What does parenting do to us? Why do we do it? Why is there such a huge gap between what we think parenting will be and what it is? What are the jobs of Mums and Dads now: What’s a dad when he’s no longer just a provider, what’s a mum when she quite often is? Why, when we think having children will bring us together, does it so often push us apart? How do I know what to teach and model for my children when I don’t know what the world is going to look like in five years time? Why did my parents seem to have so much conviction about these things and I have absolutely none?
Well, I don’t know but luckily there are some really clever people all over the world who are thinking about these things and they’ve agreed to talk to me. So maybe we won’t be able to answer all these questions every week but maybe if we listen to their ideas we can gain some insight and some wisdom and maybe most importantly some perspective and find out what it takes to be a happier parent.
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What does parenting do to us? Why do we do it? Why is there such a huge gap between what we think parenting will be and what it is? What are the jobs of Mums and Dads now: What’s a dad when he’s no longer just a provider, what’s a mum when she quite often is? Why, when we think having children will bring us together, does it so often push us apart? How do I know what to teach and model for my children when I don’t know what the world is going to look like in five years time? Why did my parents seem to have so much conviction about these things and I have absolutely none?
Well, I don’t know but luckily there are some really clever people all over the world who are thinking about these things and they’ve agreed to talk to me. So maybe we won’t be able to answer all these questions every week but maybe if we listen to their ideas we can gain some insight and some wisdom and maybe most importantly some perspective and find out what it takes to be a happier parent.
Ep 29: Why is she the only one thinking about it? with Allison Daminger
Be a Happier Parent
58 minutes
2 days ago
Ep 29: Why is she the only one thinking about it? with Allison Daminger
Check out Allison's website https://www.allisondaminger.com/
follow me on Instagram and TikTok @beahappierparent
Full videos of episodes available on YouTube @alexindadland
Keywords
parenting, cognitive labor, mental load, gender roles, household dynamics, essentialism, couples, equity, caregiving, family responsibilities
Summary
In this conversation, Allison Daminger discusses the complexities of parenting, cognitive labor, and the persistent gender roles that influence household dynamics. She explores the concept of cognitive labor as the mental work involved in managing household responsibilities, highlighting the emotional burdens that often accompany these tasks. The discussion delves into personal essentialism, the impact of societal expectations on gender roles, and the challenges couples face in achieving equitable divisions of labor. Daminger emphasizes the importance of intentionality and communication in navigating these dynamics, offering insights into how couples can work towards a more balanced partnership.
Takeaways
Allison Daminger's research stems from her curiosity about parenting.Cognitive labor involves anticipating needs and managing household tasks.The brain's tendency to ping with unresolved tasks adds to mental load.Gender roles still heavily influence household responsibilities.Personal essentialism complicates the understanding of gendered labor.Couples often fall into patterns that reflect societal expectations.Skill-building in household tasks can shift gendered expectations.Emotional burdens like guilt affect how parents manage responsibilities.Couples can achieve equity by adjusting on the margins of their roles.Understanding the historical context of gender roles is crucial for change.
Titles
The Hidden Work of ParentingCognitive Labor: The Mental Load of Parenthood
Sound bites
"The brain hates unclosed loops.""We expect women to care the most.""We can adjust on the margins."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Cognitive Labor04:50 Understanding Cognitive Labor and Mental Load07:34 The Process of Cognitive Labor10:22 Measuring Cognitive Labor13:35 Personal Essentialism and Gender Roles16:27 The Superhero and the Bumbler19:29 Social Pressures and Accountability22:32 The Impact of Historical Context on Gender Roles25:30 Judgment and Expectations in Parenting28:26 Conclusion and Reflections on Cognitive Labor29:56 Anticipation of Judgment and Consequences31:16 Gendered Expectations in Household Roles32:59 Skill-Building and Gendered Narratives35:52 Hope for Change in Household Dynamics37:35 The Complexity of Same-Sex Relationships38:37 Intentionality in Division of Labor41:57 Status and Perception of Caregiving44:30 Cognitive vs. Physical Work in Households46:54 The Root of Responsibility in Parenting50:40 Moving Towards Equity in Household Tasks
Be a Happier Parent
What does parenting do to us? Why do we do it? Why is there such a huge gap between what we think parenting will be and what it is? What are the jobs of Mums and Dads now: What’s a dad when he’s no longer just a provider, what’s a mum when she quite often is? Why, when we think having children will bring us together, does it so often push us apart? How do I know what to teach and model for my children when I don’t know what the world is going to look like in five years time? Why did my parents seem to have so much conviction about these things and I have absolutely none?
Well, I don’t know but luckily there are some really clever people all over the world who are thinking about these things and they’ve agreed to talk to me. So maybe we won’t be able to answer all these questions every week but maybe if we listen to their ideas we can gain some insight and some wisdom and maybe most importantly some perspective and find out what it takes to be a happier parent.
