Dear Prospective SuperNegroes,

By now you should have received your certified letter informing you that people of African descent will receive superpowers on Dec. 21, when Jupiter and Saturn align for the first time in nearly 400 years. According to researchers at the University of Twitter, this will unlock the melanated magic in Black people, granting them never-before-seen gifts beyond the ability to clap on beat and resist dumping artichokes into potato salad.