Betrayal nearly destroyed us, but we found ways to rebuild the trust and restore our relationship--and we did it without splitting up! Now our marriage is much better than before.
We'll use our 20+ years of researching best practices to give helpful techniques for your own relationship.
***The (S) after the Episode number means it shouldn't trigger women who are hurting from betrayal. Even still, please use your best judgment.
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Betrayal nearly destroyed us, but we found ways to rebuild the trust and restore our relationship--and we did it without splitting up! Now our marriage is much better than before.
We'll use our 20+ years of researching best practices to give helpful techniques for your own relationship.
***The (S) after the Episode number means it shouldn't trigger women who are hurting from betrayal. Even still, please use your best judgment.
She’s the ENEMY (and I’M AN ABUSER so I dominated her)
Coffee with The Couple Cure
19 minutes 28 seconds
2 weeks ago
She’s the ENEMY (and I’M AN ABUSER so I dominated her)
"The one I thought you were gonna say is: she's the enemy."
For years, Jay didn't just lie to me about his addiction. He lied to himself about WHO I was. And those lies kept him stuck in porn for decades.
The 5 lies addicts believe about their wives:
She's the enemy - Anyone who sees a crack in the mask must be stopped and hushed
She's gonna leave anyway - So why bother trying? Might as well do whatever I want
She doesn't care about me - I'm not that important to her (justification to use)
She's too angry to handle the truth - When really, he feared rejection and being alone
She won't meet my expectations - Unspoken demands that turn into resentment and reasons to look elsewhere
The shocking part? Jay admits: "I am an abuser, and abusers dominate. And that's what I did."
He made me easy to dominate. He sufficiently shut me up. He turned me from a mirror (reflecting his behavior) into a shield (protecting him from truth).
Why this matters:
These beliefs aren't about you - they're about attachment issues and fear
Most addicts don't even know they believe these lies
The goal was never sex - it was avoiding being truly known
Without consistent boundaries, addicts will keep crossing lines
For partners: If he sees you as the enemy for pointing out flaws, if he believes you'll leave no matter what, if he resents you for not meeting unspoken expectations - these are the lies keeping him stuck.
For addicts: Your wife could have made recovery so much easier. But your false beliefs about her became your excuse to keep using. The truth? You should have taken your needs to God, not porn.
What lie did your addict believe about you? Comment below.
CHAPTERS
00:00 Cold Open: "She's the Enemy"
00:31 Intro: The Lies Addicts Tell Themselves
00:51 Belief #1: You're Gonna Leave Anyway
02:20 Belief #2: She's the Enemy
03:52 Did You See Me as Too Weak or Too Angry?
06:12 The Pride and Shame Paradox
08:33 Did You Need Me or Did I Need to Fix You?
10:18 Hot Take: I'm Sick of "Power Over" People
10:29 Were You Sure I'd Never Leave?
10:42 Mirror or Shield? (How He Shut Me Up)
11:47 TRUTH: I Am an Abuser - Addicts Dominate
12:03 Did Fear of Losing Me Compete With Certainty?
13:21 It's Not About You - It's Attachment Issues
14:05 My Rock or My Reason to Use Porn?
15:31 The Truth: Unspoken Expectations Breed Resentment
16:37 What Should My Role Have Been?
17:07 The Importance of Consistent Boundaries
18:41 Questions for Viewers
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To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww
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Who is This Channel For?
If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.
Betrayal nearly destroyed us, but we found ways to rebuild the trust and restore our relationship--and we did it without splitting up! Now our marriage is much better than before.
We'll use our 20+ years of researching best practices to give helpful techniques for your own relationship.
***The (S) after the Episode number means it shouldn't trigger women who are hurting from betrayal. Even still, please use your best judgment.
