Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie?    Definition of "Praise Junkie" One of the downsides of positive parenting  Cultural backdrop of overpraising children:  ◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s ◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment ◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift ◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment.  ◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits.  ◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth.  ◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!)  ◦ Trophies for everyone on the team   Problems:  ◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect ◦ Kids can become dependent ◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise ◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise ◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job. ◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure.  ◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad)  ◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation   Solutions ◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity  ◦ Model self-validation ◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?” ◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?” ◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?” ◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious. ◦ When kids say I don’t know ◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous  ◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint.  ◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way. 2. Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better.