We all know that our childhood survival mechanisms stick with us, like that old playlist you can’t let go of even though you’ve outgrown it. They kept us safe once, but these traits—people-pleasing, hero complex, needing to prove our worth—often work against us as adults, especially in relationships. I get it. I grew up in a household where my presence was tolerated but rarely welcomed, and to get any sense of love, I had to work for it. And so, I learned to be a people-pleaser and a “hero” in relationships. Maybe you’ve got a similar story, even if the details differ. Let’s talk about why these patterns don’t serve you now and how you can start breaking free.
The Bedroom Kid vs. the Living Room Kid
Ever heard of the term “living room kid”? It describes a child who feels safe hanging out openly at home. In contrast, I was a “bedroom kid.” As soon as my father came home, I’d retreat to my room, keeping out of sight. In a way, the dynamic taught me to hide, to anticipate moods, and to try to be who others needed rather than just… being.
Many of us bring these dynamics to our friendships and relationships, consciously or not. If you grew up always seeking approval, that inner kid is probably still calling the shots, eager to please, to help, to be indispensable. But that’s not connection; it’s attachment, and there’s a difference.
Attachment vs. Connection
Attachment is what happens when you feel like you need someone to be complete. It’s about control, about trying to keep things as they are because change feels like a threat. Connection, though, is the opposite. It’s when you’re both there because you want to be, and there’s no expectation to control or prove anything. Attachment says, “Don’t leave me.” Connection says, “I’m here, and you’re here, and that’s enough.”
For years, I mistook attachment for connection. I’d bend over backward in friendships and relationships, often losing myself in the process. If someone started to pull away, I’d double down on my efforts to show my worth, hoping they’d stick around. But looking back, it’s clear that what I had was attachment. And attachment breeds resentment—on both sides.
The Realization: Boundaries and Loss
Realizing this meant facing some hard truths. Setting boundaries with people who benefit from your lack of boundaries means you’ll lose some of them. That’s painful. But it also brings clarity. When I started showing up as my true self—without the need to please or save—many of those “friends” faded away. It hurt, but it was necessary.
If you’re scared to set boundaries because you might lose people, ask yourself: are they in your life because of who you are, or because of what you do for them? True connection will survive boundaries; attachment won’t.
How to Break the Cycle
So, how do you start letting go of these old patterns? Here’s what’s worked for me:
1. Identify Your Needs: When you’re feeling anxious or insecure in a relationship, ask yourself why. Are you hoping for reassurance? More communication? Figure out what you actually need.
2. Voice It: Try expressing your needs. For example, if you feel insecure because you haven’t heard from someone, say it: “I need a bit more communication because it helps me feel secure.” They might respond positively—or they might not. Either way, you’re honoring yourself.
3. Be Willing to Walk Away: Sometimes people won’t be able to meet your needs. That’s okay. The right connections won’t make you feel like you’re asking for too much. Be ready to let go of what doesn’t serve you.
4. Check Your Attachment: Ask yourself, is this person adding to my life, or am I holding onto them out of fear? Real connection feels freeing, not confining.
Moving Forward
The shift from attachment to connection is ongoing, and it isn’t always easy. We’re taught that losing people is a failure, but sometimes it’s just growth. When you show up authentically, the people who stick around are there for you, not for what you do for them. It’s a slow process, but it’s worth it. Real connection is out there, but you have to let go of old patterns to make room for it.