In this episode of Perfect Prey, I’m joined by Tonia Bales, author of When You See It: How I Outsmarted and Outlasted Dirty John. Tonia shares her story as the first wife of the man later known to the world as “Dirty John”—long before the podcast, Netflix series, or public recognition of who he really was.
Tonia describes how coercive control, deception, and manipulation unfolded inside her marriage, how she began uncovering her husband’s double life, and how the legal and family court systems failed to protect her and her children. This conversation offers a powerful look at how predators hide in plain sight, how survivors are often DARVO’d when they speak up, and how children become collateral damage in abusive systems.
What we cover
Life with Dirty John before the world knew his name
How predators identify and target “perfect prey”
Early warning signs, red flags, and deception hidden in plain sight
DARVO tactics and false accusations used to silence victims
Substance abuse, professional abuse of power, and systemic failure
Family court, coercive control, and the weaponization of children
Protective parenting, resilience, and healing after profound trauma
Why listen If you are a survivor, protective parent, clinician, attorney, or advocate, this episode offers critical insight into how coercive control operates long before abuse is publicly recognized. Tonia’s story underscores why survivors are not naïve or weak—and why systems must do better to protect those who speak up.
Guest bio (short) Tonia Bales is a survivor of coercive control and the author of When You See It: How I Outsmarted and Outlasted Dirty John. Her story sheds light on the early patterns of abuse used by predators and the long-term impact of coercive control on victims and children. Through her writing and advocacy, Tonia works to educate the public and professionals about how abuse hides in plain sight—and why survivors must be believed.
Book information When You See It: How I Outsmarted and Outlasted Dirty John Available for presale on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Release date: January 13
Connect Tonia Bales:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toniabales?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonia.bales/
Book Pre-order Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-you-see-it-tonia-bales/1147557107?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMjU2MjgxMDQwNTU4AAGnsCgCEudPLDgxvCiAhmFYxcmlITQgdX8Kg9N5ItIrcW5Doxah2aRfQpDKwmU_aem_nHP_j-GiGb8xTQFMQqQo4g
Connect with Dr. Christine:
Protective Parenting Program: https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com/services/for-parents/
Official site: https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@DrCocchiola-coercivecontrol/videos
TEDxTalks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp2qByKOue4&t=24s
If this episode landed for you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it, subscribe for more trauma-informed conversations, and consider leaving a review — it helps other survivors find validation and safety.
— Dr. Christine Cocchiola & guest Tonia Bales