This week, we’re covering the issues that really matter: why kids today will never know the lung-shredding character development that came from using a BloPen head-marker-gun. Back in our day, your art wasn’t “digital”—it was created by nearly passing out on a piece of printer paper. Now the markers basically airbrush themselves. How will Gen Alpha ever build lung capacity? Or personality?

We also dive into the existential crisis known as Apple Music and Spotify Wrapped—the annual reminder that your most-played songs say far too much about you, and none of it is flattering.

Then we ask the question every office worker trapped in a freezing parking lot is wondering: why hasn’t a car company invented scheduled remote start like “turn on my heat at 4:55 PM so I can pretend I’m not suffering”? Tech has gone too far in all the wrong directions.

And finally, we address the true holiday mystery: how big of a contradiction is it that Mariah Carey opens “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by claiming she doesn’t want a lot for Christmas… and then immediately demands an entire human being? Seems like a pretty big “lot,” Mariah.