The easiest way to understand PhD life is to imagine a world built on shame.

It’s full of thou shalt nots.

It’s full of don’t do this.

It’s full of quiet messages that say:

You’re kind of a mistake. You’re kind of a screw-up. Here’s how you should behave if you want to fit in.

And for years, I listened.

I tried to be good.

I tried to follow the rules.

I tried to help people, be kind, be generous, do the tasks nobody else wanted to do.

My logic was simple:

If I do right by others, something good will come back.

But here is the painful truth I learned over decades:

It didn’t work.

I complied.

I did the “right” things.

And the reward for doing the “right” things was… nothing.

Worse — it made me more scared.

More anxious.

More confused about who I actually was.

One day, I just stopped caring about all the thou shalts.

I checked out of the game.

Instead of trying to impress people, I asked myself one question:

Am I building a community that feels warm, kind, generous, and real?

Not perfect.

Not strategic.

Not status-driven.

Just real.

Now I look for people with warmth.

People who grow with me.

People who are kind in the small moments.

People who don’t make my Spidey sense tingle.

And when something feels off?

I walk away.

I don’t negotiate with it anymore.