Most people believe a PhD advisor is supposed to “add value.” Or that a student is supposed to “add value.”

Like there’s this clean exchange.

Like everybody knows what they’re doing.

But if you’ve spent even five minutes in this world, you know that’s not true.

What actually happens is two people trying to survive the same weird, messy system where nobody has a clue what the right answer is. Everyone is guessing. Everyone is under pressure. Everyone is trying not to look like a screw-up. And that’s when all the strange behavior shows up.

People defect.

People ghost.

People walk away just when things get uncertain.

People disappear because they don’t want to deal with ambiguity.

And you start internalizing it—every single time—as if it must be your fault.

I’ve done this my whole life.

I assume I said something wrong.

I assume I wrote something wrong.

I assume I am the problem.

But most of the time, you’re not the problem at all.

What I’ve learned is that value in research is not extracted. It’s not sitting there waiting to be taken. It gets molded. It gets created. And that only happens when people actually stay in the room together long enough to admit, “Yeah… I don’t really know what I’m doing either.”

That moment—right there—is where the magic happens.

But it’s rare.

Really rare.

So if someone ghosts you, or treats you poorly, or makes you feel inferior—don’t immediately jump to, “I messed up.” Often they’re just running from the ambiguity. Or fighting it. Or stuck in their own head.

Just remember: most of us are trying to navigate this confusing world with no answers, no map, and no guarantees. You’re doing better than you think.

Take care.