This is a continuation of the last episode, we discovered how we express our love and now we will see how it is in action.

First of all, we need to understand that humans are motivated by needs. We have a bunch of needs that we are trying to meet in order to feel comfortable. Actually, our needs are endless and are the main drive to move forward in life. These needs are also stimulated and sometimes created by the external world, society, advertising, influencers.

There are different ways to classify those needs the most known one is by Maslow: physiological need, safety needs, belonging needs, self-esteem and self-actualization. Check the link for more details - https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

In our interactions, we are always trying to meet one of these needs and we should always try to think about other’s needs too. We do not do something if we are not motivated by needs - motivation is our main drive. Even when we do charity, we are driven by the need to belong to a community, to contribute.

This is truer when we are in romantic relationships. Our partners are the ones that are meeting, or they should meet, most to our important needs - bonding, attachment, intimacy, acceptance, validation sometimes even safety. The bridge between our needs and satisfaction, between our interior world and exterior, is made by communication.

The 1 million dollar question here is: how we communicate our needs in order to be fulfilled - to be understood.

1. Be aware of your needs -  your needs are valid, and they matter, try to listen to your body and you will find out what you need. It is not an easy job if you are insecure and a people pleaser, but self-observation, journaling and meditation help.
2. Find good timing/ place/ emotional state - you cannot communicate efficiently if you are: hungry, sleeping, anxious, scared, in pain, irritated.  Say it honestly, factually and objectively- “I need …(your very specific need). Can you help me?”
3. Be prepared for an open conversation and possible No- do not react negatively, encourage your partner to say no, otherwise they will react from fear, not from the heart.  It is always a two-way street. Tell if you are feeling vulnerable -it is ok, and it helps. Have such conversation on a regular base and in time (do not delay it for months after the situation) - the fresher - the better.
4. Accept that other people can/ will meet your needs, not only your partner- friends, support group, therapist, community, the local church, sports club, hobby group. We need more than one human being to be satisfied in our life, and we also need another connection that our partner cannot give. If we expect everything from one person,  we will overwhelm them and put a lot of weight on the relationship too.

Take care,

A&M