Santa Claus Biography Flash a weekly Biography.
Alright, Santa Claus — the jolly titan of toy logistics and gift-giving mythology, if you’re new here. It’s September, so the big man has predictably stormed the internet with more drama than a Netflix pre-Christmas special. Let’s blaze through every significant headline, news story, and social media mention for our favorite fictional CEO in the last few days. And no, this is not satire; the elves wish it was.
First up, Santa has pulled a move straight out of Silicon Valley: according to Professional Moron, he’s fired almost all the elves — except one, because nothing says North Pole nepotism like keeping Head Elf Markus — and replaced the whole workshop crew with 3,000 robot AI workers. The bill? A crisp $135 million. Forget magic; we’re talking machine learning now. Efficiency is up, they say — as in 135 million Barbie dolls rolling straight off the assembly line in 48 hours and flooding the North Pole. Local polar bears started gnawing the excess inventory, which is either environmental enrichment or a PR disaster waiting for PETA’s next press conference. So for the record, Santa is now a gin-drinking industrialist who needs a nap in his own slobber. Christmas capitalism at its finest.
Meanwhile, the traditionalists in New Hampshire are fighting back. Concord Monitor reveals that about a hundred aspiring 'Santas' just hit up a three-day Santa Camp, led by Dan Greenleaf from the New England Santa Society. Most recruits got started because they were "fat, old, and had a beard"—which, as hiring practices go, is right up there with "must be able to lift 50 pounds and enjoy cookies." These Santas are learning everything from business acumen to how not to look like a creepy mall impersonator, all while sporting ‘Santa casual,’ which is just as chaotic as it sounds.
Supply chain woes? SantaUpdate says elves have been sent home because the workshop is short on supplies, not work—Toyvember setback strikes again. Nobody knows just how bad it is, how many elves are making gingerbread in boredom at home, and whether Santa’s robot uprising is actually shifting those statistics.
Elsewhere in the news, Mrs. Claus is killing it with sold-out cookie workshops, somehow keeping up morale while the reindeer department hosts a contest about when the reindeer will return. Never mind that Prancer tried to jump the gun, and apparently social media went nuts over a single reindeer sighting, like it's a Beatles reunion.
Major events are ramping up too. Coca-Cola’s Classic Christmas just announced their Dallas light experience for November, inviting families to frolic in fake snow and take selfies with Santa and Mrs. Claus so you can prove you were festive before Halloween. Meanwhile, Santa Train specials are rolling in Pennsylvania, and New Hampshire is training up the next fleet of Santas to keep the mythology alive, just in case cybernetic replacements don’t figure out how to say "Ho Ho Ho" without sending kids running for the hills.
So, in the last 48 hours, Santa Claus — yes, fictional, let’s not start a conspiracy — has lost his workshop elves to robots, inspired a legion of bearded middle-aged dudes to take up the red suit, and still managed to headline cookie workshops and immersive light shows coast-to-coast. All this, while trending on social media for both excess Barbie production and inspirational reindeer drama.
Thanks for listening to Santa Claus Biography Flash. Subscribe so you never miss an update on the world’s busiest fictional employer, and search the term Biography Flash for more wildly entertaining personalities. I’m Marcus Ellery, wishing you a little less industrial chaos and a lot more cookies.
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