When Recovery Work Falls Short: Facing Denial, Objectification, and the Process of Change

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The Grounded Union Podcast

Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen

21 episodes

1 week ago

Welcome to the Grounded Union Podcast, hosted by Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen. In 2019, our marriage hit rock bottom—so close to divorce that we thought there was no way back. But through deep healing, transformation, and a relentless pursuit of something better, we didn’t just save our marriage—we created something more beautiful than we ever imagined. On our journey, we realized that the conventional advice from counselors, pastors, and mentors wasn’t enough. So, we set out on an uncharted path, searching for real, lasting change. Now, standing on the other side, we’ve mapped out the exact process that restored our love, trust, and connection—a process we weren’t given but one we discovered through lived experience. This podcast is our invitation to you: to walk this path with us, to challenge the norms, and to build a marriage that is passionate, open, honest, deeply connected, and full of life. No one told us it was possible—but we’re here to tell you: it absolutely is. Join us on this journey. It’s not just about saving your marriage—it’s about creating one that’s stronger, richer, and more alive than ever.

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When Recovery Work Falls Short: Facing Denial, Objectification, and the Process of Change

The Grounded Union Podcast

52 minutes

1 week ago

When Recovery Work Falls Short: Facing Denial, Objectification, and the Process of Change

In this episode of the Grounded Union Podcast, Evan and Kelsey share their raw journey through sex addiction recovery in their first year of marriage. Evan courageously unpacks his 20-year porn addiction history, revealing how denial structures kept him trapped even while attending 12-step meetings. After becoming complacent during their engagement, Evan's "gaslighting himself" about Instagram porn spiraled into deeper patterns—including objectifying his postpartum wife. What makes this conversation remarkable is Evan's radical transparency: he's already dismantling denial structures monthly, admitting to objectifying women everywhere, and facing the most painful truth—he's been judging Kelsey's body. Brandon and Caitlyn guide them through the "replacing" phase of the 4 R's, teaching Evan to rewire 20 years of conditioning by coming home to his body, feeling emotions he's numbed for decades, and seeing people through neutrality instead of judgment. For Kelsey, battling hypervigilance while pregnant and postpartum, Caitlyn offers hard-won hope: the forest you're clearing now leads to a meadow of true intimacy.

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Timestamps & Key Moments:

00:01:10 – Complacency in Recovery: Evan shares his history with sex and lust addiction and describes how getting married led him to stop his 12-step work and enter a season of complacency.
00:05:21 – Safety and Postpartum Honor: Kelsey discusses the deep pain of feeling judged by her husband after a high-risk pregnancy and her refusal to lower her standards for safety in the marriage.
00:09:56 – The Reticular Activating System (RAS): Brandon explains the "tech" of the brain, describing how the RAS filters data and how years of addiction trained it to focus on body parts over people.
00:12:44 – Radical Responsibility Changes Everything: Caitlyn affirms Evan and Kelsey as a couple actively applying the work, highlighting how Evan’s language reflects ownership rather than minimization or helplessness.
00:15:08 – Unexpected Debris and the "Affection Glitch": A deep dive into why the brain sometimes defaults to old, toxic imagery as a defense mechanism when it finally begins to experience genuine emotional intimacy.
00:17:03 – Purging the "Virus" of Old Beliefs: Using the analogy of a physical virus to explain why "ugly" thoughts must be voiced out loud to be fully cleared from the system.
00:22:41 – Family Dynamics and the Root of Addiction: An exploration of how childhood enmeshment and rough home environments shape the need for escapism and the long-term reliance on pornography.
00:27:37 – The Mechanics of the Fourth R (Replacing): A deep dive into replacing distorted associations of connection with tangible, present-moment experiences like nature, sound, and genuine bond.
00:30:05 – Intimacy as Radical Visibility: Redefining intimacy as "into-me-you-see" and recognizing intrusive thoughts as "subconscious darts" used to defend against the fear of being fully known.
00:42:42 – Returning to the Present Moment: Breaking the habit of mental escape by grounding oneself in the immediate reality of family, physical surroundings, and core values.
00:46:44 – Navigating the "Dark Forest" of Recovery: Using the analogy of clearing a forest to describe the arduous but necessary work of removing secrets to reach a place of marital abundance.
00:51:14 – Maintaining High Standards for Intimacy: A final call to never settle for a mediocre relationship, instead choosing to remove the old structures to make room for a deeper union.