Donald Trump posted that the White House doctors proclaimed him to be in perfect health—they also said RFK, Jr. was a perfect HHS secretary—and that he aced his cognitive examination, which included naming several barnyard animals along with the ex-Honduran president and drug lord he pardoned.
Donald Trump issued the first vetoes of his second term: One was for clean drinking water in Colorado (“When blue states stop stealing elections, they’ll get clean drinking water!”) and the other was to expand the land of the Miccosukee Tribe in Florida. (He’s still pissed the Washington Redskins had to change their name.)
Volodymyr Zelenskyy met with Donald Trump but failed to hammer out a peace plan—Zelenskyy wanted 50 years of security guarantees, Trump countered with 35 years and renaming the country Donald J. Trump-Ukraine—while the U.S. military is preparing to go to war with Venezuela. (Trump says there will be no land troops, only land sharks.)
After Donald Trump chatted with children on the phone about Santa Claus’ whereabouts as NORAD tracked his sleigh and how Democrats were going to tax their toys, he posted a video about the 2020 elections being stolen and how people should be arrested for treason. (Happy Holidays from hell!)
Speaker Mike Johnson sent the House of Representatives home for the holidays, leaving millions of Americans vulnerable to rising healthcare premiums (lump of coal, anyone?) while the Kennedy Center has been renamed the Trump Kennedy Center (end of days, anyone?).
In a TV address tonight, Donad Trump may announce America is going to war with Venezuela because of Joe Biden’s open borders while also doubling down on his Truth Social post that film director Rob Reiner died because of the anger he caused over Trump Derangement Syndrome. (Truth Social should be changed to Truth Sociopath.)
Marco Rubio announced the State Department will stop using the Calibri font for official communications—which is easier for visually impaired employees to read—and switch to Times New Roman because if there’s anything Rubio hates more than diversity and inclusion, it’s diverse and inclusive typefaces.
Marjorie Taylor Greene bashed Donald Trump—who said he never heard of her and if he did hear of her, he wouldn’t like her—while the Trump administration removed Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the list of free attendance days at national parks, replacing them with Trump’s birthday. (That’s white of them.)
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy is urging air travelers to dress better and be more civil—cue the laugh track—while Donald Trump has added his name to the U.S. Institute of Peace building. (But it’s not remotely legal as he added it in the middle of the night using an autopen.)
Marco Rubio said more work need to be done to end the Russia-Ukraine war—like forcing Ukraine to give Russia everything it wants—while Donald Trump said he felt good about pardoning former Honduran president and convicted U.S. drug-trafficker Juan Orlando Hernandez because “I like doing nice things for nice people.”
Donald Trump said six Democrats who told the military to refuse illegal orders—like bombing alleged drug boats—should be hanged for seditious behavior (i.e., truth telling) while Karoline Leavitt explained that Trump called a female reporter “piggy” because he’s open and honest (unlike Joe Biden who wanted to call female reporters “piggy” but was too senile and called them “Ziggy”).
A federal court blocked Texas’ gerrymandering plan to add five GOP House seats as it was racially motivated—"Don’t mess with the Constitution”—while Florida Rep. Maria Salazar defended Donald Trump who called a female reporter “piggy,” saying he made a simple error in pronunciation. (The reporter’s name is Catherine.)
JD Vance said housing is too expensive because 30 million illegal immigrants took homes that should go to Americans and drove up prices—Question: if immigrants had that much money, why’d they come here?—while Donald Trump gave the House GOP the go-ahead to release the Epstein files. (And by that he means, into the Potomac.)
The government reopened Thursday with Republicans seeking an alternative to Obamacare—most likely a bucket of leeches—while Donald Trump met with Lauren Boebert to get her to withdraw her support for releasing the Epstein files. (Apparently, his promise of her having the first dance in the new ballroom didn’t work.)
The House votes today on funding the government but without extending Obamacare subsidies to lower healthcare costs—thankfully, tax cuts for billionaires are intact!—while Donald Trump touts the H-1B visa to bring in talented foreign workers to fill jobs Americans aren’t equipped for. (Too bad the H-1B visa doesn’t apply to presidents.)
Donald Trump pardoned Rudy Giuliani and more than 70 others who were involved in attempting to overturn the 2020 election (no surprise there) while eight Democrats joined with Republicans on a vote to end the government shutdown but without an extension of Obamacare subsidies (no surprise there, either).
After a federal judge ordered them to fully fund SNAP instead of partially funding it, the Trump administration appealed the decision (why feed poor people if you don’t have to?) while Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that Trump is running the country like his ran his business—into the ground.
Donald Trump claimed the reasons Republicans lost big in yesterday’s elections were the shutdown and Biden’s border crisis while the Supreme Court will decide whether Trump has the power to implement tariffs or it’s the job of Congress as the Constitution spells out. (They’ll pull a Mike Johnson and say they didn’t know there was a Congress.)
Donald Trump appeared on “60 Minutes” where host Norah O’Donnell asked many pointed questions that he answered with refreshing honesty—in your dreams—while a federal judge ordered the Trump administration to fund SNAP food benefits because they certainly wouldn’t ever want to help people in need on their own.
Donald Trump wants the GOP to lose the filibuster so they can vote to reopen the government—he’s running out of money to bribe world leaders to like him—while the USDA claims there’s no extra funds to make SNAP payments due to other spending, such as $200 million for Kristi Noem’s luxury planes with hot and cold running Botox.