Why do so many conversations with people we care about spiral into arguments? Often it’s because we’re focused on being right instead of relating.
In this episode of Couples in Focus, I unpack the difference between proving your point and stepping into someone else’s “map” — their inner world of experiences, feelings, and beliefs. You’ll hear real-life examples of how shifting from defensiveness to curiosity can transform conflicts into moments of connection, whether with a partner, friend, coworker, or family member.
We’ll explore why relating builds trust and emotional safety, and I’ll share practical tools you can use to pause, listen, and connect without losing yourself in the process.
For more on relationships and therapy, visit coupletherapy.earth.
Summary
In this conversation, Michael Preston discusses the importance of giving partners the benefit of the doubt in relationships. He emphasises how this shift in perspective can transform negative interactions into positive ones by fostering curiosity and understanding. Instead of reacting defensively to perceived slights, partners can approach each other with empathy and a desire to understand the other's experiences, leading to healthier communication and conflict resolution.
Takeaways
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can change dynamics.
Curiosity can replace defensiveness in relationships.
Understanding your partner's day can foster empathy.
Transforming negative cycles into positive interactions is crucial.
Effective communication is rooted in emotional intelligence.
Empathy leads to better conflict resolution.
Positive interactions can enhance personal growth.
Relationships thrive on understanding and curiosity.
Recognising triggers can help manage responses.
Healthy partnerships require ongoing effort and understanding.
Learn more by visiting my websites and the new online program.
Modern mental health often promises quick fixes — usually in the form of medication. While antidepressants can help, they rarely touch the deeper roots of why so many of us are struggling.
In this episode of Couples in Focus, I take a step back and ask: what if the crisis isn’t just chemical, but human? We’ll explore the four foundations of good mental health — nature, movement, social connection & meaning, and touch — and how losing these has left us unbalanced. I’ll also share the metaphor of the inner compass, showing how our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations can guide us back when we feel lost.
If you’re tired of surface-level solutions and want to reconnect with the deeper foundations of well-being, this episode is for you. Learn more at coupletherapy.earth.
We’ve been sold a lie about love. Movies, books, and social media tell us it’s all about sparks, passion, and intensity — but that isn’t real love.
In this episode of Couples in Focus, I delve into the truth about lasting love: why it feels calm rather than chaotic, why it develops gradually over time, and how attachment theory reveals what a genuine connection is built upon. You’ll hear stories that highlight the difference between intensity that fizzles out and the kind of steady, safe love that lasts.
If you’re ready to rethink what love really means and how to build it, tune in — and learn more about relationships and therapy at coupletherapy.earth.
Why do we so often feel lost in our mental health journey? In this episode of Couples in Focus, I introduce the metaphor of the inner compass — the signals of our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations that point us toward balance or warn us when we’re drifting off course.
Through real stories, we’ll explore how ignoring small signals, such as tension, rumination, or sadness, only makes them grow louder, and how learning to listen helps us make small course corrections before they become crises. You’ll discover practical tools for reorienting yourself to your inner compass, allowing you to find steadiness and clarity in everyday life.
For more on therapy and emotional well-being, visit coupletherapy.earth
Why do some relationships feel easy while others leave us stuck in constant cycles of tension? A lot of the answer lies in attachment styles — the patterns we carry into love, intimacy, and connection.
In this episode of Couples in Focus, I’ll break down the four main attachment styles, how they tend to pair up, and why certain combinations spark harmony while others create friction. You’ll hear real-life examples of anxious–avoidant push-pull dynamics, how secure partners bring balance, and what to look for if you want a relationship that feels safe and fulfilling.
Whether you’re dating, in a relationship, or reflecting on past connections, this episode will help you recognise your own style and understand how compatibility really works.
Learn more about relationships and therapy at coupletherapy.earth.
On this episode of Couples in Focus, we cut through the noise of dating advice and boil it down to just two questions:
Do I feel safe, relaxed, and like I can be myself?
Do I feel accepted and seen?
Through real stories, I’ll show how these two simple questions reveal more than any dating script ever could — helping you notice the difference between a date that drains you and one that feels energising and real.
If you want to dive deeper into relationships and therapy, visit coupletherapy.earth.
Summary
In this conversation, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the complexities of relationships, particularly the notion of keeping one's side of the street clean. They discuss the importance of understanding both individual and shared worlds in a relationship, the impact of emotional neglect, and the necessity of co-regulation. The dialogue emphasises that relationships are not merely transactional but require mutual support and emotional engagement. They highlight the significance of emotions as a compass guiding individuals back to their needs and the importance of navigating emotional responsibility without falling into the trap of managing each other's emotions.
Check out my website for couples therapy
Takeaways
Keeping your side of the street clean is simplistic.
Relationships require understanding both individual and shared worlds.
Emotional neglect can have lasting impacts.
It's not just about doing your part; it's about connection.
Co-regulation is essential for emotional health.
Good intentions can still cause harm in relationships.
Emotions serve as a compass for our needs.
Mutual support is crucial in navigating challenges.
Relationships are not about 50-50; it's about collective resources.
We need to walk hand in hand in our emotional journeys.
Chapters
00:00 The Concept of Relationship Dynamics
02:49 Understanding Individual and Shared Worlds
05:31 The Impact of Emotional Neglect
08:32 The Complexity of Keeping Your Side Clean
11:20 The Role of Systems in Relationships
14:11 Navigating Emotional Responsibility
16:58 The Importance of Co-Regulation
19:56 Mutual Support in Relationships
23:03 The Balance of Emotional Engagement
25:55 The Role of Emotions as a Compass
28:41 Final Thoughts on Relationship Dynamics
Summary
In this episode, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the complexities of desire in long-term relationships, discussing how desire can diminish over time due to various factors such as overwhelm, emotional disconnect, and resentment. They emphasise the importance of maintaining physical touch, open communication, and addressing emotional needs to rebuild intimacy and connection. The conversation highlights the necessity of acknowledging the challenges couples face and the importance of seeking help when needed.
Get couples therapy
Takeaways
Desire in relationships often shifts and requires effort to maintain.
Physical touch is essential for keeping desire alive.
Overwhelm and exhaustion can hinder intimacy.
Emotional disconnect can lead to resentment and barriers to connection.
Regular communication about sex can enhance intimacy.
Setting aside dedicated time for touch is crucial.
Acknowledging emotional needs is vital for rebuilding trust.
Couples may need help to navigate complex emotional dynamics.
Good people can unintentionally hurt their partners.
Admitting when a relationship is lost is the first step to recovery.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Desire in Relationships
00:25 Understanding the Drop in Desire
05:32 Overwhelm vs. Emotional Disconnect
08:09 The Importance of Physical Touch
10:47 Creating Space for Conversations about Sex
15:31 Addressing Emotional Blocks to Intimacy
22:24 Navigating Trauma in Relationships
Summary
In this episode, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz discuss the three essential components of a healthy relationship: accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement.
They explore how these elements contribute to a secure attachment between partners, emphasizing the importance of being present, attuned, and emotionally connected.
The conversation highlights practical examples and insights into how couples can foster these qualities to enhance their relationship dynamics.
For more, see the Couples in Focus online course or book a session with Thomas here.
Takeaways
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Healthy Relationships
02:59 Accessibility in Relationships
05:54 Understanding Responsiveness
09:50 The Importance of Emotional Engagement
Summary
In this conversation, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the complexities of relationships, focusing on how couples can navigate challenges through effective communication and emotional regulation.
They emphasize the importance of collaboration over competition, recognizing patterns of behavior that lead to conflict, and identifying personal triggers that can escalate disagreements.
The discussion highlights the need for empathy and understanding in relationships, encouraging couples to work together to create a supportive environment.
In this conversation, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the dynamics of relationships, focusing on emotional triggers, communication strategies, and the importance of validation.
They discuss how recognizing alarm bells can help partners navigate conflicts more effectively, emphasizing the need for vulnerability and understanding in communication.
The conversation highlights practical steps couples can take to improve their interactions and foster a healthier relationship dynamic.
For more, see the Couples in Focus online course or book a session with Thomas here.
Takeaways
Chapters
00:00 Navigating Relationship Challenges
03:11 Collaborative Games in Relationships
06:46 Understanding the Blame Game
11:12 Recognizing Relationship Patterns
15:40 Managing Emotional Dysregulation
21:31 Identifying Personal Triggers
26:30 Recognizing Alarm Bells in Relationships
29:04 Understanding Emotional Triggers
32:00 The Impact of Our Actions
34:59 Communicating Vulnerability
39:05 The Power of Validation
43:00 Finding Common Ground in Conflict
summary
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas and Michael explore the dynamics of arguments in relationships, focusing on the need to be right and how it can lead to emotional disconnect.
They discuss the behaviors of avoidant partners, the cycle of arguments, and the dangers of trying to win at the expense of the relationship.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding different models of the world and how they influence relationship dynamics, ultimately advocating for empathy and connection over competition.
In this conversation, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the critical role of empathy in collaboration and conflict resolution.
They discuss how fear can lead to a breakdown in communication and the importance of recognizing patterns in arguments.
The dialogue emphasizes the need for emotional awareness, trust, and effective communication strategies to foster healthier relationships.
Through personal anecdotes and practical advice, they highlight the significance of creating safe spaces for vulnerability and the power of working together to find solutions.
For more, see the Couples in Focus online course or book a session with Thomas here.
takeaways
Chapters
00:00 The Need to Be Right in Relationships
03:09 Understanding Avoidant Behavior
10:18 The Cycle of Arguments and Emotional Disconnect
15:05 The Dangers of Winning Arguments
18:41 Models of the World and Relationship Dynamics
24:16 The Power of Empathy in Collaboration
25:12 Understanding Conflict and the Need for Connection
27:51 Breaking the Cycle of Argument
28:19 Recognizing Mistakes and Building Trust
30:52 Finding Solutions Together
32:21 The Importance of Communication in Relationships
34:49 Identifying Patterns and Making Choices
36:50 The Role of Emotional Awareness
39:01 Strategies for Calming and Resetting
44:03 Creating Safe Spaces for Vulnerability
keyword
srelationships, arguments, emotional intelligence, communication, validation, avoidant behavior, emotional disconnect, conflict resolution, empathy, relationship dynamics, empathy, collaboration, conflict resolution, communication, relationships, emotional awareness, trust, argument cycles, problem-solving, connection
Summary
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz delve into the complexities of emotional injuries in relationships, mainly focusing on infidelity and its impact on trust and healing.
They discuss the nuances of emotional affairs, the importance of empathy in recovery, and the challenges couples face when navigating the aftermath of betrayal.
The conversation emphasizes the need for open communication and vulnerability to rebuild trust and heal from relationship injuries.
In this conversation, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the complexities of healing relationships after betrayal.
They discuss the importance of vulnerability, trust, and communication in navigating emotional responses.
The speakers emphasize that while time alone does not heal wounds, intentional and meaningful engagement can lead to recovery.
They also address the impact of shame on individuals who have caused harm and the necessity of understanding underlying relationship patterns to prevent future issues.
Ultimately, they hope couples can emerge from these challenges with a stronger bond than before.
For more, see the Couples in Focus online course or book a session with Thomas here.
takeaways
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Technical Issues
01:00 Understanding Emotional Injuries in Relationships
02:39 Defining Infidelity and Its Nuances
04:40 The Impact of Emotional Affairs
06:59 The Complexity of Trust and Reality
09:02 Identifying Relationship Injuries
11:16 The Shock of Betrayal
14:18 Navigating the Aftermath of Infidelity
18:13 The Cycle of Anger and Healing
22:40 The Role of Empathy in Recovery
26:57 Navigating Vulnerability in Relationships
29:00 The Journey to Trust and Healing
31:35 Understanding Emotional Responses
33:49 The Role of Time in Healing
35:11 Shame and Its Impact on Recovery
36:15 Identifying Relationship Patterns
39:12 Exploring Underlying Issues
41:46 Contextualizing Infidelity
44:59 Possibility of Recovery After Betrayal
keywords
emotional injuries, infidelity, relationship recovery, trust issues, healing process, couples therapy, attachment theory, emotional affairs, relationship dynamics, communication, relationship healing, trust, vulnerability, emotional responses, shame, infidelity, therapy, communication, recovery, couples therapy
Summary
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas and Michael delve into the complexities of discussing sexuality within relationships.
They explore the vulnerabilities involved in these conversations, the common blocks that prevent open dialogue, and the importance of teamwork in navigating sexual intimacy.
The discussion emphasizes the detrimental effects of silence, criticism, and shame on sexual relationships while advocating for ongoing communication and understanding between partners. In this conversation, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the complexities of communication in relationships, particularly in the context of sexual experiences.
They discuss the importance of attunement, the impact of shame on communication, and strategies for addressing difficult conversations with partners.
The dialogue emphasizes the need for curiosity and vulnerability to foster deeper emotional connections and improve intimacy.
Discover the couple in focus online course or get couples therapy sessions with Thomas.
Takeaways
Chapters
00:00 Navigating the Complexity of Sexual Conversations
10:21 Identifying Blocks to Open Dialogue
18:36 The Importance of Teamwork in Sexual Relationships
25:59 The Three Killers of Sexual Connection
26:49 The Dynamics of Communication in Relationships
29:26 Navigating Sexual Experiences and Attunement
31:00 Understanding and Overcoming Shame
35:05 Addressing Difficult Conversations with Partners
39:24 The Importance of Curiosity in Relationships
Summary
This conversation delves into the complexities of emotional and sexual dynamics in relationships, particularly focusing on the experiences of avoidant and anxious partners.
It explores themes of withdrawal, insecurities, silent suffering, and the breakdown of communication, emphasizing the importance of trust and vulnerability.
The speakers discuss how these dynamics can lead to misunderstandings and emotional pain, and they offer insights into how couples can begin to open up conversations and build a new model of communication that fosters connection and empathy.
Discover the couple in focus online course or get couples therapy sessions with Thomas.
Takeaways
Summary
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston delve into the often-ignored topic of sexual intimacy in relationships.
They discuss the challenges couples face regarding sexual connection, the dynamics of emotional intimacy, and the common issues that lead to a sexless marriage.
The conversation highlights the importance of communication, emotional responsiveness, and understanding the different needs of partners to foster a healthy sexual relationship.
They explore the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic and how it affects intimacy, offering insights and advice for couples seeking to improve their connection. In this conversation, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the intricate dynamics of emotional connection and sexual intimacy in relationships.
They discuss the importance of understanding emotional cues, the role of non-sexual touch, and the impact of attachment injuries on sexual dynamics.
The conversation emphasizes the need for open communication and curiosity in navigating these complex issues, ultimately aiming to foster a deeper connection between partners.
To learn more about couple therapy, visit Thomas's Website or his new online relationship course or visit Michael's website.
Takeaways Sexual intimacy is often a silent issue in relationships. Many couples feel like housemates due to lack of intimacy. A significant percentage of couples live in sexless marriages. Communication is key to addressing sexual issues. Emotional connection can enhance sexual intimacy. Sexuality can change over time in a relationship. The dynamic of pursuer and withdrawer affects intimacy. Small acts of care can reignite sexual desire. Understanding each other's needs is crucial for intimacy. Being present with your partner fosters deeper connections. Emotional cues are crucial for sexual intimacy. Non-sexual touch can help rebuild trust in relationships. Taking sex off the table can alleviate pressure. Understanding attachment injuries is vital for intimacy. Curiosity about your partner's needs enhances connection. Open communication about preferences leads to better sexual experiences. Feeling like you matter is essential for intimacy. Pressure around sex can shut down sexual energy. Building emotional connection can reignite sexual desire. Discussing sexual preferences openly improves satisfaction.
Chapters
00:00 Understanding Sexual Intimacy in Relationships
10:02 The Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic
20:01 Building Emotional Connection for Sexual Engagement
24:54 Understanding Emotional Cues in Relationships
33:11 The Importance of Non-Sexual Touch
39:00 Navigating Attachment Injuries and Sexual Dynamics
44:37 Curiosity as a Path to Better Intimacy
Summary
In this conversation, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the complexities of relationships, particularly focusing on the theme of drifting apart and the hope of reconnecting. They discuss the importance of willingness from both partners, the emotional dynamics at play, and the necessity of safety in love. Through various analogies, including the concept of love as a parachute, they emphasize that while falling back in love is possible, it requires a shift in understanding and approach. In this conversation, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the dynamics of love and relationships, emphasizing the importance of safety and trust in rekindling emotional connections. They discuss the phases couples go through, including the roommate phase, and the necessity of open communication to address underlying issues. The speakers highlight that while excitement may fade, a deeper love can grow through understanding and positive expectations. They provide insights into how couples can navigate challenges and work towards reconnecting with each other.
To learn more, visit Thomas's website or Michael's website
Takeaways
Chapters
00:00 Navigating Relationship Drift: Is There Hope?
03:00 Assessing Willingness: The Key to Reconnection
05:59 Understanding Emotional Availability and Connection
10:00 The Path to Falling Back in Love
14:51 Redefining Love: Safety Over Intensity
19:51 The Parachute Analogy: Love as Safety
21:59 The Importance of Safety in Relationships
27:02 Rekindling Love: Trust and Safety
32:59 Navigating the Roommate Phase
39:14 The Path to Reconnection
44:55 Positive Expectations in Communication
Summary
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the complexities of meeting emotional needs in relationships. They discuss the challenges couples face when trying to balance their individual needs, the importance of communication, and the impact of attachment styles on relationship dynamics. The conversation emphasizes the necessity of regular check-ins and understanding each partner's emotional state to foster a healthier relationship. In this conversation, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston explore the complexities of relationship dynamics, focusing on how partners can better understand and meet each other's emotional needs. They discuss the importance of compassionate communication, recognizing imbalances in needs, and addressing cultural narratives that influence household responsibilities. The dialogue emphasizes the necessity of acknowledging each other's strengths and fostering a collaborative environment to enhance relational satisfaction.
Takeaways
Sound Bites
"You can't drive a car without petrol."
"Relationships aren't 50-50."
"We often avoid these conversations."
"It's really never gonna be enough."
"How can we utilize each other's strengths?"
"Awareness allows us to change."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Couples in Focus
01:00 Navigating Different Needs in Relationships
06:00 The Emotional Bank Account and Resource Management
11:08 The Importance of Communication and Check-Ins
15:48 Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships
21:57 The Challenges of Identifying Needs
22:39 Navigating Relationship Needs
26:08 Understanding Imbalances in Needs
30:00 The Importance of Compassionate Communication
36:04 Addressing Cultural Narratives in Relationships
To learn more, visit Thomas's website
Or Michael's website
In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas and Michael unpack one of the most critical yet challenging aspects of any relationship—understanding and expressing your needs.
Why do we often hesitate to voice what we truly need? What stops us from being honest with our partner about our desires, fears, and expectations? 🧠💔
Join us as we explore:
This episode guides you to building a relationship where you and your partner feel heard, understood, and valued. 💡💛
🔔 Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share for more insights and tips to strengthen your connection!
#RelationshipNeeds #EffectiveCommunication #CoupleTherapy #EmotionalIntimacy #Relationshipsguides you
To learn more, go to https://coupletherapy.earth/ or https://thesecurecouple.com/
Summary
In this episode, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston discuss the common scenario where one partner is eager to pursue couples therapy while the other is resistant. They explore the reasons behind this resistance, emphasizing the importance of understanding and compassion. The conversation covers effective communication strategies, the significance of timing when discussing therapy, and how to create a collaborative environment. The hosts also introduce the 'Three C's' approach: Collaboration, Compassion, and Curiosity, as essential tools for navigating difficult conversations in relationships.
Takeaways
Sound Bites
"Shame shuts us down."
"Clear is kind."
"Approach resistance curiously."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Couples Therapy Resistance
03:11 Understanding Resistance to Therapy
05:55 Compassionate Approaches to Therapy
08:55 The Importance of Acknowledgment
11:59 Communicating Unhappiness Effectively
15:00 Using 'We' Statements for Connection
20:17 Understanding Disconnection in Relationships
22:36 The Importance of Timing in Conversations
25:23 Approaching the Topic of Counseling
27:51 Collaborative Approaches to Therapy
30:01 Navigating Resistance to Therapy
32:15 Reframing Help and Guidance
34:49 Compassionate Communication Strategies
40:14 The Three C's: Collaboration, Compassion, Curiosity
To learn more visit https://coupletherapy.earth/ or https://thesecurecouple.com/