If Optimus Prime had bad credit, would he be Optimus Subprime? 

Transformers is a 2007 sci-fi/action movie starring Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Jon Voight, Rachael Taylor, and lots of CGI. It’s directed by Michael Bay, so obviously we had to talk about it. The film is mostly about big robots from space that do lots of punching and shooting. As you might expect, many, many things explode. Transformers has a 57% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and an 85% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people). 

Check out criticalmesspodcast.com to give us movie recommendations!

🎃This counts as a Halloween movie, right? 🎃Under the Skin is a 2013 sci-fi/horror film starring Scarlett Johansson, Adam Pearson, Marius Bincu, Joe Szula, and Paul Brannigan. It’s really ambiguous, there’s not much talking, and it’s not for everybody. But it most certainly leaves an impression. This one was directed by Jonathan Glazer. Under the Skin has an 83% rating with critics and a 55% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people) on Rotten Tomatoes.

Smash-y, smash, boom, boom, punch, punch, punch. 

Man of Steel is a superhero/action movie starring Henry Cavill, Diane Lane, Amy Adams, Russel Crowe, Kevin Costner, Michael Shannon, Laurence Fishburn, and Ayelet Zurer. It was directed by Zach Snyder. 

This one’s a Superman origin story. Capeesh? 

Man of Steel has a 57% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 75% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

The Snake Plissken origin story. 

Captain Ron is an adventure/comedy film starring Kurt Russell, Martin Short, Mary Kay Place, Meadow Sisto, and Benjamin Salisbury. This one was directed by Thom Eberhardt. 

So, back to the Snake Plissken thing. Is it just the eyepatch? No, no it’s not. Because there’s also the mysterious military backstory. The total disdain for authority. The parallels between the lawless landscapes of Cuba and New York. And most of all, there’s the hair. What a glorious mane. 

Captain Ron has a 26% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 52% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people). So yeah, we cheated our rules a little bit on this one, too. Whatcha gonna do about it?

Cage in a bird.

Con Air is an action film from 1997 that you should really watch. It stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, John Cusack, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Colm Meaney, Danny Trejo, and of course, Tyrone Biggums. It’s about some convicts that take over a prison with wings. This one’s directed by Simon West. 

Con Air has a 58% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 75% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people). So yeah, we cheated a little on this one. What are you gonna do about it?

What if Interstellar and Hellraiser had a baby?  

Event Horizon is a sci-fi/horror film from 1997 starring Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburn, Cathleen Quinaln, and Joely Richardson. The film was directed by Paul Anderson. It tells the story of a spaceship that accidentally opens a portal to a sinister place—a place that gets Sam Neill so hot to trot you could’ve sworn it was full of Velociraptors. Is this film a cult classic? Or does it cosmically suck? Listen as the boys dig in.  

Event Horizon holds a 36% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 62% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

We offer the truth. Nothing more. The Matrix Revolutions is a sci-fi/action film from 2007, and is the third movie in The Matrix franchise. It stars Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving, Lawrence Fishburn, and Jada Pinkett-Smith. The title of this film is disturbingly close to the 2021 movie, The Matrix Resurrections. Why would they do that? These movies are so easy to confuse. It’s been pissing us off all week. The Matrix Revolutions holds a 33% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 60% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

Back in 2004, Chads were called Wades. 

You Got Served is a dance battle/drama film starring Marques Houston, Omari Grandberry, Jarrell Houston, Steve Harvery, Lil’ Kim, Meagan Good, and De’Mario Thornton. The movie technically has a plot, but it’s mostly just an excuse to dance, which we think is pretty cool. There are backflips, knee slides, head spins, air pistols, hat twirls, and a guy even acts like a dog peeing on someone. We enjoyed this film. 

You Got Served has a 14% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 69% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

Starring Angelina Jolie as The Predator. 

Gone in 60 Seconds is an action/thriller/chase movie starring Nicolas Cage in top form. You’ve also got Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi, Delroy Lindo, Will Patton, Robert Duvall, Scott Caan, Timothy Olymphant, and Bullet-Tooth Tony. Oh, and the Ice Cream Man himself, Master P. This movie is about stealing cars. Lots of very expensive ones in a very unrealistic amount of time. Listen in as Brian, Gris, and Nick discuss. 

Gone in 60 Seconds has a 26% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 77% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).  

ChiiiYYYicKeN JaWKeY!!!

A Minecraft Movie is a fantasy/adventure film starring Jack Black, Jason Momoa, Danielle Brooks, Emma Myers, Jennifer Cooledge, and Sebastian Hansen. You may be shocked to hear it’s based on the Minecraft video game. The film extols the virtues of creativity while being aggressively uncreative in terms of story, characters, and plot. But it’s not without its moments. Listen in as Brian, Gris, and Nick discuss.  

A Minecraft Movie has a 48% rating with critics and an 86% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people) on Rotten Tomatoes.

This cast really slaps. Bad Boys is a 1995 action film directed by Michael Bay starring Will Smith (Mike Lowrey) and Martin Lawrence (Marcus Burnett). The film includes large amounts of cursing, explosions, shooting, fast cars, palm trees, drug lords, skimpy clothes, hard drugs, soft drugs, medium drugs, one-liners, and Tropical Fruit Bubblicious. In other words, it’s peak cinema if you have the attention span of a bee and like seeing stuff blow up real good. Bad Boys has a 44% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 78% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

Ever seen a Braille Playboy? 

Robin Hood: Men in Tights is a Mel Brooks comedy starring Cary Elwes, Richard Lewis, Amy Yasbeck, Roger Rees, Dave Chappelle, Isaac Hayes, and Tracey Ullman. It’s a parody of that very mediocre Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie. Since this is a Mel Brooks joint, the jokes are pretty stupid. But they can also be pretty funny. Listen in as Brian, Nick, and Gris discuss this medieval madness. 

Robin Hood: Men in Tights has a 42% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and an 81% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people). 

It's a sleeper. You probably haven't heard of Come True. But now, praise be, you have. It's a fine indie film created with a crew of just five people starring Julia Sarah Stone, Landon Liboiron, Tiffany Helm, Chantal Perron, and Orin McCusker. The movie explores the idea of dreaming, what dreams mean, and how we interpret them (quite literally) as our protagonist Sarah (Julia Sarah Stone) participates in a breakthrough sleep study. It's smart, it's vibe-y, it's got great music—and an arguably great twist. Watch along as the gentlesirs of Critical Mess—Brian, Nick, and Gris—discuss this splendid little film. Come True has an 84% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 57% rating with audiences (aka popcorn people).

Emilio. Emilio! EMILIO! EMILIOOOOOOOOO!!!Watch as the boys dissect A Night at the Roxbury, the 1998 comedy/90's dance music homage starring Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Molly Shannon, and Dan Hedaya. We know Saturday Night Live movies have a mixed legacy. Does this one hold up? Are two guys hump-thrusting to Haddaway tracks still funny? Were they ever? Let's head bob our way through this one. A Night at the Roxbury has a criminally low 11% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a very appropriate 69% rating with audiences

Is this not about the Mighty Ducks’ coach? Brian, Gris, and Nick discuss Emilio Estevez, a movie that’s less about youth hockey and more about drug cartels and sex changes. Which, on paper, does sound interesting. But alas. This film stars Karla Sofia Gascon, Zoe Saldana, Selena Gomez, and some dancing doctors. It’s nominated for 54 Oscars even though it has a 16% rating with audiences (and a 72% rating with critics) on Rotten Tomatoes.

Alternate title for 2025: Pirates of the Gulf of America: Deadass Man’s Chest. 

Brian, Gris, and Nick discuss Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, a documentary film about a young Keith Richards starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightley, and Kraken. There’s swashbuckling, rum, cannons, peglegs, glass eyeballs, cannibals, a guy who smokes a pipe using face tentacles, a pirate-y dice game, etc. This was before Keith picked up guitar.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has a 53% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 72% rating with audiences. 

Please lambast (or commend) our opinions in the comments. 

For this very special 50th episode of Critical Mess, the boys talk about the best films of all time. At least, according to them. Do you agree with Brian, Gris, Nick, and Ben? Do they have great taste? Or is their taste level more of the Cracker-Barrel variety? Does that analogy even work? Get your questions answered in this week’s episode. 

*reclining seductively* Do you lahhhhhk it? 

The Saint is a thriller from 1997 about a microchip/sex bandit named Simon (Val Kilmer) with 30 wildly different personalities—each accompanied by appropriate garb and accent. His love interest is the brilliant nuclear scientist Emma (Elisabeth Shue), who is very easily fooled for someone who’s supposed to be super smart. Boris the Blade (Rade Serbedzija) is also in this film, boosting its status tenfold.     

The Saint has a 30% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 63% rating with audiences. 

That Teriyaki Boyz song still slaps. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift is an action film from 2006 about Eminem’s younger brother (Lucas Black) who moves to Tokyo to learn how to use a parking brake. He’s an American—and therefore an outsider—but manages to become friends with Lil Bow Wow (Lil Bow Wow) and some cool Asians who love to race. There’s a love interest (Nathalie Kelley), and also one of the kids from Home Improvement (not JTT). The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift has a 38% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 69% rating with audiences.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. Home Alone 2 is a family comedy from 1992 about 10-year-old Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) and his unadulterated, violent rampage through New York City. While framed as the protagonist, it’s hard to argue Kevin is not the antagonist, as he steals, manipulates, and maims his way toward whatever he desires. This mostly translates to eating ice cream, inflicting pain on hapless adults, and chilling with Donald Trump. Home Alone 2 has a 35% rating with critics on Rotten Tomatoes and a 62% rating with audiences.