It's time once again to beg at the Altar of Beast in order to be thrown just enough scraps to continue our meager existence.  Topics include a beastly missed opportunity, creating a safe sexual environment, budget conscious condoms, the boy ain't alright.

Mess with the bull and you'll get the horns especially if you're a big city woman who's too focused on her career to find love.  Topics include post sex shit-tests, long tongue but bad technique, a shaved butthole, irritated over old nudes.

You know that feeling when you hear a song and then you make that whole song your personality for awhile?  Maybe be a little more discerning with what song you're choosing...Support the show on Patreon!

Better start wearing a raincoat whenever you see me out in public because when I'm holding a hand... NOBODY IS SAFE.  Topics include how to be mysterious in the age of social media, playing dead, a damp pant situation, when to transition to casual dates.Support the show on Patreon!

Don't you hate it when your stupid kid just exists and totally blows up your spot?  Topics include pirate re-population, sex inhibiting breast size, a surprise son, date burn out.

There is nothing sex about a Ziploc bag... UNLESS it's one of those ones with the slidey-closer thing.  Those ones are HOT.  Topics include oral hygiene wake up call, celibate Tinder match, get your ex back with no contact, preparing your sex baggie.

Niall is on vacation this week, so we're digging into the Patreon vaults to treat you to a little movie review of the unhinged teen romance movie My Fault.

There are a few exceptions to the rule and one of them is always if it's A Walk to Remember situation.  Topics include contractually obligated angry sex, impatient partner, never split the party, when do you know.

Lock and load has never been a more gross turn of phrase.  Topics include the clean vs dirty debate, if he wanted to: he would, recording your dates for AI approval, a ghost tale as old as time.

Unfortunately, Dr. Goon is all booked up for appointments for the next month.  I can refer you to another Penis MD, if you'd like.  Topics include date ideas for the broken armed, refusing to sleep in a sex stained bed, did you sleep with Dead Greg, and turning physical attraction into love.

This week we go off script and give you dating advice based on the grim things we've seen as bartenders and servers.

RPG!!!!

If you saw me outside your home staring into your windows from the street... no, you didn't.  Topics include a drive-by creeping, an exciting new masturbation technique, channeling your inner Moody, and pity sex.

If you're concerned about Dain's energy in this episode, just remember he's shirtless.  That should explain everything.  Topics include using Snapchat as a cold-call dating app, the mystery behind two hour sessions, info dumped on the Tea app, and being a starfish.

I think we can all agree that we've ALL wanted to see our friend's penis before... right?  Right?  Topics include your friend is undergoing a slutification,  constructing the perfect text to ask him out, drunken genital requests, dating when you're a trainwreck.

Everyone knows that oppressive government regimes are huge fans of the local music scene.  Topics include caught with a a less than true Instagram story, asking someone out who isn't responding, can you just live your life without cold approaching.

If anyone needs a dog to rent for their Tinder photoshoot, please contact me.  I have a wide range of available makes and models.  Topics include staging a doggy photoshoot, taking pictures as a man, when sexy banter turns into a linguistic car crash, I love you too soon.

If you ever needed a brainstorming session as to what the worst type of bag a vagina could be, we've got you covered.  Topics include some much needed positivity, painful hickeys, dating misconceptions.

Well, wrap me up in a carpet and throw away my hundreds of snakes because I refuse to believe any woman doesn't want a vagina full of magic ribbon.  Topics include how to make your relationship disappear, the wandering eye that is actually pretty stationary, skipping lay day on first dates, and a Tinder profile 2000 swipes in the making.

Buckle up for Hetero Awesomefest 2, the second lamest musical event of the summer!  Topics include an untrustworthy retelling of Chris Brown's crimes, an ass maneuver, catching the bouquet just to drop the mildest joke.Join the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies