Today, we bring you two tales of warfare gone stupid:
First, Napoleon tries to hunt rabbits and gets ambushed by thousands of them.
Then, two countries go to war over a football match. Actual war. With guns.
History is not okay.
Let’s squirt!
Cassius Marcellus Clay: fiery abolitionist, duelist, publisher, and one-man chaos engine. He handed out beatings and emancipation like candy and once fought off attackers with a Bowie knife.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Hazel’s Navel Tables.
Let’s squirt!
Montezuma II: last emperor of the Aztecs, skilled diplomat,and the guy who had the worst houseguest in history—Hernán Cortés. Spoiler: it does not end well.
Let’s squirt!
Today we are joined by a friend of the show, Howie, todiscuss Plutarch: philosopher, priest, and ancient gossip columnist. His Parallel Lives shaped Western history—and he was not above throwing shade at deadRomans.
Also, a word from our sponsors at the Suckle Project.
Let’s squirt!
In 1997, 60,000 pigeons were released for a race—and almost none of them came back. Nobody knows where they went. Maybe they're still flying.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
Antonie van Leeuwenhoek: a linen merchant who just wanted to look at his fabrics and accidentally discovered an entire invisible world. Sperm, bacteria, protozoa, this guy saw it all and told everyone.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Tears of the Devine.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon: a lush paradise in thedesert... maybe. No one knows if it existed, where it was, or if it was just ancient real estate propaganda. This is Episode 3 in our Ancient Wonders series.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
The Isle of Sark: a tiny patch of land that clung tofeudalism until 2008, had no cars, and technically banned tractors. It’s like time forgot and then remembered just enough to be weird.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
Halley’s Comet: a space rock so dramatic it keeps comingback for applause—and every time, humans panic. Death omens, doomsday cults, ancient terror. It’s just a comet, guys.
Let’s squirt!
The Monkey Song: a Victorian music hall banger about a monkey who causes public unrest. Somehow, it still slaps. We won’t talk much about Ned Corvan—just the monkey chaos.
Let’s squirt!
The Statue of Zeus at Olympia: forty feet of gold, ivory,and beard. Built to impress, worshipped for centuries, and lost like your car keys. This is Episode 2 in our Ancient Wonders series.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Womb2Work.
Let’s squirt!
The Cadaver Synod: when Pope Stephen VI dragged his dead predecessor out of the tomb, propped him up in court, and yelled at his corpse.
Let’s squirt!
The Nika Riot: when chariot fans in Constantinople got somad they nearly burned the empire down. Sports riots hit different in 532.
Let’s squirt!
In Part 2, Nobunaga goes full pyromaniac, invents modernwarfare, and gets surprise-stabbed by his own guy. It’s betrayal, gunpowder, and a little tea on the side.
Also, a word from... a company.
Let’s squirt!
Oda Nobunaga: warlord, visionary, unhinged lunatic in coolarmour. In Part 1, we meet the man who kicked Japan’s feudal chaos in the teeth and said, ‘I’m in charge now, deal with it.’
Also, a special product review of a cashier saying “Hi, how are you going?”
Let’s squirt!
Mansa Musa: the emperor who broke economies just by showing up. Richer than your wildest dreams and shinier than the sun, he turned a pilgrimage into a flex that echoed across continents.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Tranquil Collapse.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
Matilda of England: royal daughter, political power broker,and Duchess of Saxony with a diplomatic spine of steel. She married into chaos, raised emperors, and made Europe her chessboard.
Also, a sneak peek at the new film Titanic 2.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
Part 2: John signs the Magna Carta, throws tantrums, anddies of peaches. Power, paranoia, and poop-water revenge—England’s worst king delivers.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Lossage.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
King John: royal disaster, brother of Richard, loser oflands, signer of things. In Part 1, we dive into his origin story—spoiler: it’s mostly bad.
Also, a word from our advertisers Digital Penis.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode:
A giant bronze man stood guard over a harbour for a hot minute, then faceplanted into history. The Colossus of Rhodes: ancient engineering meets gravity. This is Episode 1 in our Ancient Wonders series.
Also, a word from our advertisers at Wild Haven.
Let’s squirt!
Shout out to the Pixabay creators who provided sound effects for the episode: