Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Okay so, full disclosure, I'm sick and didn't listen through this episode before scheduling it, so I have no idea what's in this one. We'll get to find out together! Isn't that romantic? Sit on the other end of the couch though, I'm really, really contagious and you don't want to be in the splash zone for this one.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
merritt is back and not a moment too soon, as Niki and John need as much help as they can get to navigate the death of Santa Claus, the return of the Burgermeister, David Carradine, other movies we should make in Fortnite, various Wills Smith, and through the power of the holiday season, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
With merritt aboard the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by talking about typesetting, sports jokes I didn't understand, the #1 Maryland Food Podcast™, sad stories about old dogs, the lamp you jerk off, off-gassing, and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Finally reunited after No Niki November, the gang wastes no time dissecting a new docket of topical issues facing today's youth, including Frank Sinatra, The Meat Zone, Michael's Milk, doorbells, crimeable acts, earbuds, blood vessels, battery-powered trash cans, and with the power of 1,000 suns, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
John, merritt and Michael are still legally allowed access to microphones (for now), and thus the show continues unabated, despite his best efforts. This week's topics of discussion include Uncrustables, an important clarification regarding Michael's Milk™, Kirby's secret origins, John's secret to huge numbers, mad cow disease, butt chugging, childhood trauma (unrelated), and despite pressure from our lawyers, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
We hope you're thirsty, because Michael, John and merritt are back with gallons of gossip and giggles for you to guzzle down your gullet! [Editor's note: I'm trying a new thing where the descriptions are really annoying, let me know what you think.] After our regular biweekly Bible sesh, the gang dishes over their favorite apocalypse-themed wrestlers, the ideal diner hot sauce, John from Cincinnati, pogs, and unbeknownst to many, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
No Niki November continues, with Michael, merritt and John doing their absolute best to keep this train on its tracks, with predictable results. Topics of discussion for this episode include the output of the USA Network between 2005 and 2016, "the first porno you watched," the existence of the Storkborn, ye olde Internet, buying CDs in 2025 and, if you can believe it, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
With Niki exiled to the International Space Station for No Niki November, friend of the show Michael Higham joins John and merritt for another round of ... whatever this is. The gang talks about baseball, AI-generated pictures of Shaq, how long we've had our phone numbers, the dating age limit, and some general information about Canada, as well as a a double edition of Scam Text Theater and, somehow, even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
In our most SCARETACULAR episode yet, John, merritt and Niki don their festive garb and roam the streets causing mischief. Between egging houses, our trio touches on a number of SCREAMIFYING topics, including the evolution of the Spirit Halloween business model, Dracula's Dulce de Leche Dream, if your hair and nails still grow when you're dead, historical use of cattle prods by Canadian law enforcement, a vampire dog, and folks? Somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
merritt, Niki and John spend an hour or so boiling life's issues down to their most distilled, relatable ingredients, and then snort or smoke them. This week's chemical additives include Major League Baseball, lower the ppm microplastic count of your jizz, manuka honey, an installment of Scam Text Theater that is truly one for the books, and if you still have room for dessert, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Niki and John welcome merritt back from her Las Vegas vacation(?), and after we find out how much money she lost, the show quickly moves on to other topics, which include (but are not limited to) time share presentations, Scam Text Theater entries from all three hosts(!!!), figuring out a Halloween costume for Niki, the lore of Family Matters, and if you listen closely, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
With merritt aboard the International Gambling Station, local hero Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an extensive, in-depth discussion about dating, car drinks, antimicrobial ping-pong balls, John's friend Ben, people who play Quidditch in real life, and before Niki and Michael have to go to this wedding, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Your phone rings. It's an unfamiliar number. The caller ID says "MAYBE: TODD," but can you really be sure? You answer, hoping to hear a familiar voice, and that is indeed what you find, but not in the way you had wanted. All that's waiting for you on the other end is John, merritt and Niki, talking at length about consumer safety, Leo saying the n-word, Canada's secret McDonald's veggie burger, inventing the movie theater of tomorrow, and in ways you're not ready for, so much more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
What better way to celebrate 150 episodes of whatever the hell this is than by taking a little trip down memory lane? Niki, merritt and John listen to YOUR clips from past episodes and see if they can remember any of them, and afterwards they discuss additional pressing topics such as their mail cadence, Niki's ongoing battle against the City of Los Angeles, and somehow, even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
merritt, Niki and John, convene as a counsel of force ghosts for their regularly-scheduled parliamentary duties, which include determining how many snakes Chewbacca has seen, pulling a gun on Yoda, merritt's serial killer breakfast menu, john's ongoing "applesauce problem," the racist cinnamon stick, new frontiers in love, the man who invented the red clown nose, and according to the docket, somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Niki, John and merritt break bread over a number of meaningful topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including "the old ways," musical appliances, real tangible manifest ramifications for your performance here, keeping your eye on the foot, a number of sports mascots, and folks? Somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
John, merritt and Niki reconvene for a fresh round of industry analysis and insight, covering such diverse topics as Fraiser, Mad About You, "fuck-ass Westerns," fluffy toilet lid covers, those 52 plastic-coated little guys, secrets for a successful gambling trip, what you can do with $120, and folks? Somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
merritt surprises John and Niki with not just a game to play on a mainline episode, but a Canadian game about Canada and its wonderful(?) culture.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
With John aboard the International Space Station, merritt and Niki make do by discussing fly fishing penis etiquette, the World Games, "cracking open a warm one," MSNBC's new name, the pre-Gumball era, famous ibexes, and folks? Somehow, against all odds, even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
John, merritt and Niki once again attempt to solve the world's most pressing issues, which this week include the cryo lab they have at the zoo, post-war surfing, cow valves, British people singing, the vast potential enabled by time travel, and folks? Somehow even more.
Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.
Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social
Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.