Heading into a new year, we imagine what the characters of Melrose Place are going to resolve going into the new year.

Will Michael resolve to be faithful to his fourth/fifth wife? (Fourth woman, fifth marriage ... right?)

Will Sydney operate as a legit businesswoman?

Will Kimberly live through the year?

Let's see together!

Look, Mary agreed to do a holiday special episode of the podcast. However, she had no idea that I was going to switch up the actual holiday we were celebrating.

So, please forgive the lack of cultural preparedness, as we stumble through our own ignorance of how poorly we understand one of the most significant religions in our world.

That said, lack of expertise wouldn't stop us from delivering you this sweet, sweet Melrose Place content.

You're never going to believe what happened next. Melrose Place has installed an experimental Black Box theater in the apartment that Peepin' Ted used to creep on Amanda.

Or: ... black box theatre. However you want to say it. Or read it.

Anyway, for the first production, Melrose Place went big budget, and got the rights to Wicked, The Musical, and Teege and Mary are the casting directors.

Let's see how things go with this casting couch, shall we?

In the grand scheme of the world, it turns out that St. Nick's Day is only celebrated in a few cities in the country. That includes urban paradises such as New Ulm, Minnesota, Pella, Iowa, and for our purposes, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Of course, one of the Melrose Place women from indescript Midwestern States certainly brought the tradition with them. So we investigate how each of our favorite characters celebrated this good holiday.

Who got fruit in their stocking?!?

In 2025, Black Friday is a relatively calm, largely online affair. But in the 90s? Chaos. Injury. Retail *war* with actual fists.

So what do you think our season five girlies were like during Black Friday on Melrose Place?

Your Melrose Super Fans provide the definitive, *cannon* answer.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future.

It's 2025. 30 years after 1995. So what would a Melrose Place reunion for Thanksgiving look like?

Who has too many grandchildren?

Who is Michael trying to sleep with?

Who is just happy to be included?

We got you.

What, exactly, would Americans do if we found an underground cavern of a vast unicorn society?

By Americans, of course, we mean capitalist corporations. Because, at Mitt Romney taught us, corporations are people, my friend!

Yes, the fast food industry would be grinding up those unicorn hoofs and deep frying them faster than you can say "have that unicorn your way!"

In the archives of major American rhetorical moments, "Leave Britney Alone!" by Cara Cunningham (formerly known as Chris Crocker) is one of the most impactful. She taught a generation about the dangers of gossip magazines and criticism culture in one poorly-lit youtube video.

Well, Cara is in good company. Won't people ever Leave Jane Alone?

We at the Melrose Place Cast LOVE accountability, even when it's being directed at us. And when we promised our sponsors to produce ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS ... and then failed to deliver ... well we were left with no other options than to put this out one more time.

(In actuality - this is meant to be a time capsule moment where we revisit some of the earlier seasons)

In real life, these episodes of Melrose Place existed at the same time as The Macarena. Why, oh why, have we not seen this epic dance trend show up on camera yet?

Will it?

Should it?

We investigate.

Whether you're talking about Sarah Palin or Sydney Andrews, one thing is sure, you're talking about chaos, flakiness, and feminine guiles.

Unless it's sexist to say that, in which case delete that line.

This week, we look at the soaring rhetoric of "I can see Russia from my house" and compare it to a speech written for Sydney Andrews about all the things she can se from her Director's Chair.

Is Amanda even a main character any more?

Michael found out about Kimberly's diagnosis, and is insisting on being by her side. This includes asking Megan to hide their new marriage from everyone until Kimberly gets raptured up or taken down.

Sydney continues her relationship with Backstreet Boy Genius, and is in a pickle because his handler has paid off her debts.

Craig's dad has a heart attack while getting ready to write Amanda Woodward a blackmail check for five million dollars. Craig and Amanda are now trauma bonded, and Amanda doesn't get five million dollars. Craig does, we can assume.

Matt's boyfriend is going to get treatment.

Kimberly, Michael, and Megan have an artistic collision, where everything from Kimberly and Michael's first accident is replayed, now with Megan involved.

Our long Melrose Nightmare of boring storylines and unexciting drama has finally ended. Jane has been written off, probably never to return again. (wink, wink)

We were so bored by Jane, we literally forgot to record and then publish this send off episode. So you got it late, but here it is!

In this special mini-sode to round out September (don't judge us this show is getting difficult to keep up with) - we are joined by our all-star special guest Christopher to discuss some erotic art he created and why Teege finds Matt Fielding *so hot* but Doug Savaant *so not*.

Official court proceedings, Arby's, MTG, Laura Loomer, all wrapped up in one episode!

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST - CHRISTOPHER FROM MELROSE SHELTERING IN PLACE PODCAST!

And, just like that, Jane's gone? For some reason the writers wanted to put Jane through hell to justify to the audience that she was leaving. But, like, did we need to be convinced to be okay with this turn of events? Sydney set it all up, and now owns the Boutique.

Sam and Billy are in that gross phase of a relationship where everything is perfect whereas Matt and Dan are in the exact opposite phase.

Peter is trying to re-win Amanda's trust, and it's been a minute for us so we had to remind ourselves what their issue was.

The Kimberly storyline is taking it's time, and Michael gets married again! So, let the record show, season five, episode fifteen, was likely the only episode to feature four Mrs. Mancinis.

George Washington famously stepped down from power and warned a young nation against dangerous alliances.
Jo Reynolds did the same, only with more denim and a stolen baby who was breastfed by Kimberly Shaw.

In this gripping farewell, Jo says goodbye to Melrose Place, and sanity itself, with a heartfelt address about betrayal, kidnapping, and rocking chairs that still haunt her dreams.

May God bless you. And may Kimberly never lactate in your direction.

Oh, I get it now, Peter's an accidental doctor because he did a surprise tracheotomy or whatever that word is. Thus ends the Peter paralyzed by fear storyline. This should help his relationship with Amanda.

Matt and Dan take a dark turn as Dan punches Matt in the face in a scene that was oddly steamy, not because of the violence but because of Matt's fierceness.

Jane. Ugh, whatever.

Jake and Alison are having marriage talk, soft launching the idea.

Sam and Billy are hooking up. Sydney is selling art and landing herself with Carter.

Craig is this quickly a peripheral character. Willing to bet that changes soon.

Kimberly is getting the divorce, and making sure Megan and Michael get married. But, Michael is getting suspicious.

Barack Obama united a nation with three simple words: Yes We Can.
Rhonda Blair divided a dinner party with one simple action: bringing pasta and accidentally revealing Jane’s attempted abortion.

In this episode, we honor President Obama’s call to hope and possibility, then pivot to Rhonda’s call to never, ever boil water without understanding the consequences.

It’s not just a kitchen. It’s a cautionary tale.

Yes We Can… but should we have?

Well, we can only assume that the episode title writer was on vacation or got involved with Kimberly Shaw because there's no clear indication what this title had to do with the episode.

Taylor continues as though she was written as two characters - being oddly obsessive with Peter but normal in all other cases.

Kimberly is going to unalive herself joyfully.

They did it again - turned Jane's story line, which was the main plot for the week, boring.

Sydney brings a little spice, both to Jane and mommy and Samantha and Kyle, but largely, this week was rough.