Asian? Fesyen? Tak dengar abang. Pls louder sikit. Vay-shen? You want me to jual benda tu? But what is it? Ya la of course you will say very good. But what does it do? Ever-apa? Everlasting life? Vayshen tu kasi everlasting life? Abenda tu? Happiness forever? Oh I paham. Like that Mariah Carey song, apatu? You always be part of me. I part of you definitely. Apa? In definitely? Salah English bang. Definitely. So anyway, benda tu yang I spatut jual, apanama dia? Vayshen. Ok boleh. I cuba. I try my best to sell Vayshen.

Welcome back to our 40 Days Fast & Pray Pun Championships. We are in the semifinal round with two incredible match-ups. In the top half of the draw, we have the wildcard “Break Fast Mee Racle” up against 2-time former champion “2 Fast 2 Few Us”. And in the bottom half of the draw, we’ve got the underdog “Doa Lip” facing the tournament favourite “Fai di, dey. Faster Pray”.   It’s gonna be some incredible matchups, Bob. Can’t wait to see them battle it out. You’re right, Joe. These guys, they fight on their knees. Right on, Bob. And only one of em’s gonna see a victory. Totally, Joe. Yknow, I’m gonna be right there on the front row for the both semifinal matches. So will I, Bob. A hundred million times.

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah? Awak generasi apa pulak? Aku? Aku generasi MTV Rewind beb. Oldskool tapi tak oldskool sampai awak. What? This week kita buat Rewind? Kejap beb. Aku check…   Ok confirm this week ialah Rewind. Lagi ada “anatomy enemy kingdom”. Mana ku tau? Bukan Bio beb. Sejarah. Ah-ah, memang. Enemy kingdom, kerajaan musuh lah tu. Betttul. Kat RTM. Ah-ah.   Now that ☝️🏼right there is a phone conversation we overheard twenty-five years ago between two Gen X slackers discussing 80s 90s Malaysian TV. Their telephonic transcript was carefully preserved by the Arkib Negara and has most recently gone on to inspire our pastor to craft this weekend’s sermon. Wait, lemme fact-check something…   Ok sorry, wrong info. This week’s sermon, I’m now told, is inspired by the Bible.

Preeeet!! Off the pitch now. Into the locker room for the gaffer's team talk.   Finally! Half time for 2024. (A bit much stoppage time if you ask me, but it is what it is.) How are we doing? Any injuries? Everyone back alive or we lost some folks out there? How did we do? We stick to plan? Gone off course? Any unplanned-for crises? You and you, you need to up the intensity. You're taking it too easy, the whole year is running away from you. You, you and you, you need to take it down. You're gonna hurt someone going at everything like that. And two of you. Too far apart! You're not tracking each other... * Someone once asked me what pastors fantasise about. We finally managed to steal into our new SP's head and this was what we saw. Hahaha. Dude's such a nerd.

This Sunday is install new member day? Nice. I like day like this. I remember when I was teenager time, hear the word "install" means come home from Imbi Plaza with new computer game on 1.44MB floppy disks. I tell you, some of those game need three or four disks to install. And because it's from the ciplak shop, sometimes sure one of those disks is corrupted. Then the whole game cannot install. "Insert Disk 3 and click continue." "This disk cannot be read." Wah piang eh, angry teenager in 1990s is all from corrupted floppy disk. That time Jesus haven't save me. Heart still full of hate for unscrupulous game shop man in Imbi Plaza. Lucky now install member no need to insert any disk. Just need Jesus in your heart. Fuhhh. Liddat oso can, I oso wan. Pastor, count me in. Insert me into member list and click continue.

People tell me before that house of God all have many story. Sure boh? Big church of cos lah got many story. But I've been to your Sg Buloh church before. I know you're in a basement. Only one story. No, no, no. No need to explain. I understand. No, no, no. All this different spelling is all no need wan. I'm actually very fast with these things. One look only, straight can tell. Your church is basement. Only one story.

Last time when I was in school, I had member everywhere. No matter where I go, this fella my member, that fella my member. You don’t have meh? You don’t re-member meh? (Wah piang, pun so lousy today.) Anyway, I find it very interesting that things don’t changed. Cos last week, my church tell me they also want me to be their member. Can, brother. I do before many times. No problem.    

The Goodfather II? The one starring Pal Acino a/l Barlon Mrando? Oh you do make an offer I can't refuse!   It's Father's Day weekend, my friends. And we have 500 sticks of satay, ayam goreng berempah and masak lemak nenas ikan masin (whuuutt!!). Throw in three dads eating keropok sharing war and gore stories and it'll get so hot, you'll wonder what happened to the salad. Answer: the kerabu mango sleeps with the fishes.

Dipersilakan, Raja Daud.   Beliau (Baginda?) famous sebagai raja paling agung of biblical Israel. Tapi waktu digoda, dia tu sama aja. Just like you and me. Of course, by saying ‘you and me’, I’m assuming we’ve all done the dirty with the neighbour’s girl and shed their blud to hide the tracks. Whaddya mean you’ve never? Wait, you mean all of you have never?? [Looks around the room] Oh kantoi. Kena lagi.

What is Baptism? Is it Biblical and how does our church approach it? How can you prepare yourself for it and wait, what if I was sprinkle-baptised as an infant? We answer all these and a bit more in this Baptism Class. If you can, watch it with a leader from church to guide you, not just in answering questions but also to inspire you with their own faith journey towards baptism.

Wild thingYou make my heart singYou make everything … groovyWe got this in the mail today. Don't quite know what to make of it. 👇🏽Greetings from the wild things. We are a species of malcivilised furry crustaceans on a mission to find clean drinking water. And that’s why we’ve left the woods and are heading into the city. And no, contrary to folk-rock anthems that your fathers may have learnt to play guitar with, we don’t make anything groovy. Nothing at all. But clean drinking water makes us very happy. And we heard there’s someone visiting your church who brings this very kind of water. Leave us seats in the hall and space at the altar. We are thirsty.🤨 Dude seriously, like, what?

Once upon a time, there was a pooch called Spitzi. Now, Spitzi was special cos he drank his water the way a human soldier from ancient Israel would. Like, with his hands and everything. No you see, what you don’t understand is that Spitzi had hands. No, not front paws. Actual hands. Like, hands that you can use to stop traffic or throw food around. So one day Spitzi was down at the water just lappin it up when he got drafted, like to become a soldier. And there, they gave him a gun, which he held in his dog-hands. I know what you’re thinking. This is madness. Madness? This. Is. Spartaaaa! Wait… *inaudible conversation in the background.Scrap that. Pastor just said I got the wrong 300. This one’s on Gideon. Gaaargh. Inilah hakikat social media intern. They expect you to see a sermon title and be like all prophetic or something.

Bonjour! I see you are scanning the socials for what's happening on Mother's Day in church.Ah, scanning — that's what mothers do to sniff out threats when they enter a room. I remember getting sniffed before. Not good memories.Anyway, where was I? Mother's Day. Yes. It will be a Xena inspired Warrior Princess theme. Bring your mother because Pastor wants to inspire her with a sermon about Deborah and Jael bludgeoning evil men into the ground. A perfect message for those who are fierce and handle sharp tools more than once a day. Oh, and we have a photo booth where your mother can reenact chasing you with a battle axe. Like that time you didn't pass up your exercise book for three months and she eventually found out. Except back then she chased you with something else. This Mother's Day, give your mother the very best experience possible, and let her reenact it with an axe.

Are we there yet?Are we there yet?I'm bored. Are we there yet?I never said this out loud to my kids but the reason why I never answer them when they ask me "Are we there yet?" is because my name is not Yet. My name is Daddy. The logical assumption therefore is that they are talking to an imaginary friend called Yet. It's sweet to see your kids in such a happy-go-lucky place in life, talking among themselves and with their imaginary friends. Sometimes they even pretend to get annoyed with Yet. Such realistic actors.As for the question itself, the answer is "Yes, we are there yet."

One time, I came home from doing the groceries and I found someone else living in my house. They had redecorated the living room, repainted the walls and repaved the garden. Absolutely nuts. Of course, when I say “doing the groceries”, what I really mean is I got exiled for 70 years and had left my house vacant. But still… 70 years isn’t that long if you really think hard about it. It’s like a lifetime. It goes by just like that. Anyway, all that’s not the point. The point is that I finally came back. Amen to that. And I gotta learn to get along with those folks. Hmmm-what? They have to learn to get along with me? No, no, no. Firstly, I’m super easy to get along with. And no, this land is my land.

So long, Jerusalem. They’re guilty as sin. The last two tribes enter into riddance. Their tarnished coat of arms, their bruises, aquired like muses, talismans and charms.Kena kickkickkickdown bad.Seventy years isn’t that long. It’ll go by like *snap a fortnight. Cos even Persia crumbles if it's made to wait. But then what? Fresh out of the slammer to return to what? Alchemy? Only God can fix them (No really He can).

Fee fie fo fum! I smell the blood of a ruler of Israel with no fear of Yahweh.While their nations teeter on the edge of malfunction, the kings of Judah and Israel play political cat and mouse with the region. See, before the heart was an idol factory, all the idol factories were here. It was great business, and they made a killing: prophets, widows, orphans, it didn't matter who they slaughtered, as long as it helped them make gains. "Forget about Jehovah. What this world needs is for us to be powerful!" Erm guys. You're acting like Canaanites. Please repent. No, srsly. This has not been funny for a long time now.Around that time, God hacked the whole beanstalk down.

Pray tell, what do prophets actually do? Exactly that. Pray and tell. They do a lot of telling-off too. So much, we gave it a number and called it "4 telling". (Or is it "4th telling"? I can never be sure.)But anyways, they all get murdered by the state without putting up much resistance. Now I’ve too obviously set that up for an Easy Kill joke."I came. I saw. I konked."That's more like it.

A sweet orange is good. So is a hot cup. And a cool breeze. A smooth pen on textured paper. Cut grass. Garlic in oil. Lazy afternoons. A proper workout. Levelling up. A stoppage time winner. Praise. A raise. Clever jokes. Chromatic chords. Clean sheets. Happy children. Fresh starts. No drama. But for how long? All that, all good, but for how long, before you turn the corner and it's gone?Oh, do make it last. Wonder. Thrill. Safety. Laughter. Love. An endless outpouring. A torrential, neverending explosive joy. Glistening. Warm. Full. Fully alive. Pulsating. Live forever.

Hope. Trust. Wilderness.