Here’s the revised transcript with improved clarity and flow:

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One of the common feelings among people struggling with relationship issues or addiction is the sense of having wasted so much time, leading to the belief that it’s too late for change. This morning, I reflected on that statement: "It's too late." Let me ask you this: with whatever you are struggling with right now, is it truly too late?

It fascinates me when I meet young people in their mid-20s or early 30s who feel that if they don’t have everything figured out by a certain age, it’s too late. As I continue to age and mature—now at 66 years old—I firmly believe that it’s never too late to change. Even if you’ve struggled with certain issues for years, it’s not too late.

This morning, I reflected on a few individuals I’ve worked with over the years and witnessed miraculous changes in their lives. I can’t pinpoint why some individuals change while others don’t seem ready, but I believe that even those who haven’t yet made the desired changes still have the capacity to do so.

I remember one particular individual I’m meeting with today. We’ve been working together for about two years. When we first started, she was an emotional wreck, her feelings were volatile, and we rarely got through a session without her being in tears. She was frustrated with her addiction to drugs, and the limbic part of her brain had taken over her rational prefrontal cortex.

The rational part of her brain would say, "I don’t want to keep using these substances," yet just ten minutes later, she would be using again. This cycle continued for years.

When we first began our sessions, she couldn’t go more than two hours without taking a hit of her drug of choice. It didn’t matter what the substance was; the limbic system seeks instant gratification. This could be a sexual addiction, a chemical addiction, or anger. We are wired to respond to boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, or fatigue by avoiding those emotions instead of confronting them with a positive attitude and healthy internal dialogue.

She would turn to her drug of choice, despite hating it.

Now, here’s the interesting question: what part of her hated that, and what part kept driving her back to those compelling actions? There are different parts of us, and I love the model of the two-part brain. We have a higher functioning brain where our conscience resides. There is something inside us that is constantly trying to guide us.

I was reminded of Abraham Lincoln’s words about the eternal struggle between right and wrong. Each of us faces these deep questions. I’ve observed that those who choose actions not in their best interest often become angry and loud, trying to drown out that peaceful, still voice inside them that says, "I know I shouldn’t be doing this."

This beautiful soul I was working with was trying to escape her situation, which is why she entered therapy. There was a part of her that detested what she was doing. I would say, "Let’s set a goal for the next week. After our session, let’s try to go four hours without using." She could only go two hours at that time. She agreed to try.

I told her, "I believe in you. I know there’s a part of you that wants to succeed. Focus on that part of you that has reached out for help. Trust that part; it is strong and capable." The next week, she came back and said, "I went four hours without using!"

Long story short, we kept extending the goal little by little. Eventually, she said, "I haven’t used all week." That was a significant turning point for her. She realized, "I actually did it. I didn’t use my drug of choice for a week." She built on that success and recognized her capacity to tackle challenges.

Yes, there were times when she was triggered, especially since she lived in an environment where other family members used the same drug. After extending her time without using to two weeks, then three weeks, and eventually a month, she faced moments of temptation. She wrestled with the drug in her hands but drew on what we worked on in therapy and her inner strength.

She had support; she wasn’t alone. She knew she would meet with me and expressed, "I want to be able to say I didn’t use because I know the consequences of using. It doesn’t work. It never lasts. It never makes me feel better in the long run."

I repeated certain statements to her, drawing on Greek philosophers like Thucydides, who said, "Of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men the most." She began to think, "My real power lies in my ability to choose not to do this thing. I have free will, and I choose not to do it, even though my body craves it right now."

She was able to put the drug down and continue moving forward. When we met, she had joyful tears in her eyes and said, "I didn’t use. I didn’t use." There was no sorrow or frustration; instead, there was a sense of freedom.

Now, it’s been well over a year and a half since she last used. When I talk to her now, I see a different person. There’s light in her eyes, her emotions are stable, and she still faces life’s challenges, but she handles them differently. She will say, "I will never go back to that drug." She can see the difference.

It’s never too late. When I first spoke with her, she truly believed it was too late and that she lacked the capacity to change. She had bought into the idea that she couldn’t do it, that she had failed too many times. Yet, somehow, she did.

I’m telling you, you have the power within you to make whatever changes you need. Do not give up on yourself. Even if you’ve slipped a thousand times, get up 1,100 times and keep moving forward. It’s absolutely possible. A little here, a little there; just keep trying. Give yourself credit for your efforts.

It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Even if you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s, or 80s, just keep trying and moving forward. It’s never too late to make the changes you want. It’s never too late to work on relationships that may not be working.

Relationships often seem full of conflict in almost every situation. That’s a topic for another day, but it’s interesting how relationship issues arise. The fact that we can get along as human beings, even a little, is perhaps a miracle because we are all different. We have different perspectives, wants, and desires, which constantly conflict with others.

So, trying to find peace and being gentle with yourself and others is a worthwhile quest. It’s not too late for you to change things in your life. Seek deep inside yourself and listen to that little whisper of your conscience. There is a part of you that will guide you on what you need to do to make the changes you’re facing right now.

If you can quiet down enough and truly listen, it’s almost like a voice or feeling inside you that will tell you what you need to do to make the course corrections in your life. 

Have an amazing week, and we’ll check in next week.

Recently, I reread a book called The Impossible First by Colin Brady. Subtitled "From Fire to Ice: Crossing the Antarctic Alone," this is a story of a young man who was the first person to cross Antarctica, dragging behind him a sled, going from one end to the other, thinking about his journey. Fascinating book. I would recommend it.

Thinking about what I see with clients from week to week and the reality that part of life, just about part of the schooling of life, is endurance. The true problems in life never seem to be fully solved. I don't think they're meant to be. It's the incessant working at them that has a tendency to give life its meaning.

And drawing again upon one of my favorite quotes from Heraclitus, Greek philosopher: "No man ever steps into the same river twice because it's not the same river and he's not the same man."

In Colin Brady's book, he talks about Des Linden. She was the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon in 33 years and she did that in 2018. And she says this: "Some days it just flows and I feel like I'm born to do this." And she's speaking about running. "Other days it feels like I'm trudging through hell. Every day I make the choice to show up and see what I've got and try and be better."

So he was in the middle of his trek across Antarctic and I think the story is that his father texted him, feeling like his kid needed a little encouragement. And Colin Brady said, "I read it again and then again and it kept coming back to the four words in the middle: Every day show up." That suddenly felt like an important key.

If the arc of my journey was really taking me to someplace beyond the known world, that spot on the map that had touched me and came back and haunted me then, every day, every step was important. And it also meant that every day was its own fight. And there, there's deep snow.

If there's deep snow or frostbite or emotional demons, you show up and see what you've got and that's maybe how you get to the end. It was a sentiment my dad himself would say and live by, that the good fight itself was the victory and that the smallest moments of life say the most about who we are inside.

And I think about some of the issues that we deal with, especially mental health issues. Some of them truly tend to be chronic. I was thinking of an individual that I'm working with who struggles with pretty significant ADHD. Part of ADHD that many don't understand is that a large number of individuals who have ADHD have something that's called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, meaning they are hypersensitive to any form of perceived rejection.

And this perceived rejection is really an end—it's a perception problem. It's not really accurately what's happening in the world around them; they interpret it as so. And this rejection sensitivity is so catastrophic that it is a core issue that they need to deal with continually.

I was listening to a fairly famous podcast—I mean, he's been very successful podcasting—and he said something the other day: "Notwithstanding how successful I've been, I still struggle from time to time with feeling like I'm just not good enough. I'm just not succeeding." And then he comes back and he confronts those thoughts.

Something called rational emotive therapy or DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)—that's the treatment to address these core beliefs. Basically, you have an event, you have a belief, and then you have a response to the belief. The belief itself is the problem.

The issue with those who have ADHD—a large portion of them—is that this rejection sensitivity dysphoria is genetic. It's inborn, and it's just not going to change. It's their thorn in the flesh, and it will be there throughout life. It doesn't mean that they cannot make progress, but nothing—there's no form of therapy—that is just going to take that away. It's just who they are; it's in their DNA; it's in their genetics.

And so it's just something that they're going to have to deal with, and that's okay.

So—and it can be likened into each one of us—whatever our particular thorn or thorns in the flesh are, it's a part of our journey; it's a part of what we deal with.

So look inside yourself and be okay with who you are. And work this week on trying not to demand that the world respond to the way you want it to—that you need it to be—because it never will be.

Things do not turn out the way we want them to—hardly ever—and when you have little moments when they actually do, just rejoice in those moments. Have fun.

Otherwise, continue to get up, suit up, show up, and just see what you got today.

Do the very best you can today.

Use that as a mantra to live by: Get up, show up, put your shoes on, go to work. Do the very best you can today.

Have an amazing week.

In this podcast, I want to help you try to set some healthy boundaries, appropriate boundaries around the holiday seasons. This is an interesting time for a lot of people, right? Families get together. Families all have a system. You know, in family therapy, it's called systems therapy, and it really dives into how a system works. 

As systems begin to evolve and develop, or let's say a family, you have a core family, you have certain roles and relationships in the family. Then people grow up, they get married, they introduce other individuals into the family system, and it can create an interesting mix. As I'm sure you're aware in your own particular circumstance. There's some people in our family system that we love being around, feel comfortable, and then there's some that we kind of tolerate and just try to get through the days. And then there's some that really create some challenges for us to the point that I'm not going, you know, to this party or family function and so forth.

So be mindful of that. Be mindful. I'm asking you in this podcast to pay attention to the—what I call the felt sense. How do I feel in my body during my interactions or the thoughts of interactions with different individuals in my family system? Pay attention to that and then also impose the question: is there something that you can do to actually strengthen a relationship that you're having difficulty with? Are there some things that you can do to perhaps repair a relationship or even enhance a relationship that might be going well?

You know, the longer I do this work, I've seen people become extremely wealthy in life. I've seen them become obsessed with success, with fame, with money. I mean, I know individuals who have Super Bowl rings. I know individuals who have gold medals from the Olympics. And, you know, we set our sights on those things, which is healthy and good. We've got to be striving for things in life, but they're just not the most important thing at the end of the day.

Relationships—the level of connection you have with the most important people in your life—is the most important of all. I'm just—again, the longer I do this work, it seems like that is the core issue. And where all of our problems start in life is when we're raised in a system where we, for whatever reason, don't feel safe in that system; don't feel validated; don't feel heard; don't feel understood; don't feel coached in a healthy way enough.

And that's a challenge for all of us because none of us have perfect parents. Right? So I have four children of my own. Each one of them are so different. They do not come with an owner's manual. I have 11 grandkids right now. Each one of them comes with their own individual package. And it's—and each one needs to be dealt with individually. And each is so special and important, each in their own way.

Also working with a number of individuals out here in Florida where I'm at—they're a number with some pretty significant mental health issues: Asperger's, autism—where their social skills are extremely tenuous. I mean, they really have some strange social quirks, tics, behaviors.

And there's a young single adult group that I deal with on a regular basis. And, you know, we have an individual there that has a brain injury who accidentally shot himself with a gun five years ago. It's a miracle that he lived. But he's in a wheelchair; he can't speak. But he comes to join this group and he's loved and accepted.

There's about what—50 in the group—and I would say probably seven to ten have some pretty significant mental health issues and probably five of them—severe mental health issues.

And I—the thing about this group—that is so amazing—is that everyone is welcome. There's no judgment; there's no criticism; there's no being made fun of. We rejoice in everybody's individuality and we take one's strength too and try to lift one up that's maybe struggling in certain areas.

But again—back to relationships, back to systems—and the core system around the holidays always revolves around the family.

Be healthy and do what you need to do. I mean, if things are so unhealthy, then you need to set certain boundaries so you don't want to put yourself into unsafe situations.

But the question always is—and that's the core of therapy—is taking care of ourselves individually and then doing what we can to heal our family systems—family of origins—so that we can find peace in our life.

Right? I mean, what is the purpose—the overall purpose—of us living? It is to find peace. And the greatest avenue to do that is to work on connections with other people.

So what I'm asking you to consider during the holiday seasons—or if you're listening throughout the year—is family gatherings: try to focus and really be present with the individuals that you are with because you can be in the room with people and be completely dissociated and feel all alone.

Watch your internal dialogue. I know individuals like that who just take themselves completely out of the mix: "No one likes me," "I'm useless," "I'm horrible." To do that to yourself?

Everyone has something to give. Everyone is unique.

And in that regard—a movie clip pops into my mind. It's one of my favorite all-time movie clips—and I think in these podcasts I've brought it up before—but a lot of times when I do these podcasts I just start talking and thinking about what's on my mind.

I was listening again this morning reminding myself of this movie clip; it comes from an old Star Trek movie called *Insurrection*. It's about this planet that has some energy source in it that keeps people young infinitely.

And so the main group that's living there is like 500 years old but looks like they're in their 30s or 40s—it just keeps people young.

Anyway—as Captain Picard from the Starship Enterprise comes and visits this planet—I'm totally butchering this—but for the point of this story—I just want to explain it this way:

He meets these people and they come across as having an agrarian culture—it means they're farmers; they're artisans; they're working with their hands; their kids are out playing one with another.

And the kids are doing things that show they have amazing mental capacities.

Captain Picard is talking to the matriarch of this culture as he's walking with her; this conversation ensues.

As Captain Picard watches their culture—their amazing mental capacity to do things physically, artistically—and so forth—he says to her: "Did your people's mental capacity develop here?"

She says back: "Ah! More questions! Always the explorer."

And she says: "If you stay long enough that'll change—you stop reviewing what happened yesterday; stop planning for tomorrow."

Then she says: "Let me ask you a question: Have you ever experienced a perfect moment?"

Captain Picard says: "A perfect moment? Kind of like—what do you mean—a perfect moment?"

She says: "You know when time seemed to stop—you could almost live in that moment."

Captain Picard stops and ponders for a minute and goes: "Ah… seeing my home planet from space for the first time."

She says: "Yes! Nothing more complicated than perception."

And she says: "See—you explore the universe—but we've discovered that a single moment in time can be a universe in and out of itself full of powerful forces."

"Unfortunately most people aren't aware enough of 'the now' even to notice."

Then Captain Picard says: "Wow! I wish I could spare a few centuries to learn!"

Her response is: "It took us centuries to learn—that it doesn't have to take centuries to learn."

Anyway—that movie clip means a lot to me because it's a tremendous reminder just to be present.

Also another thing pops out from this movie—they had already advanced technologically even beyond what Captain Picard did—with warp drive and all that stuff.

And I'm thinking about our world right now—with AI and all these things we're doing—and all these weapons we have—to create war and domination—and all of that—in this culture.

Captain Picard says: "Boy you're very… an agrarian culture; I'm sure you don't have much knowledge," etc.

Basically—in their conversation—they said: "Hey—we've already done all stuff you're doing—and far beyond what you're doing—we have more technology than you're even aware of."

And they said: "You know what? We got rid of it all; we got rid of all our weapons because where could any of that take us but away from here?"

Where they were living was like paradise.

I think that's eventually what's going to happen as human race—all this stuff with AI—all our fascination with more likes… more likes… more likes… 

All these people online doing totally inappropriate things especially on TikTok—I never even been on TikTok but I've seen Instagram—and some things on there are like…

I worked with many clients who become addicted—it’s almost unspeakable what people are doing with their bodies—to induce lust and distraction—for likes—it’s like selling souls for likes and money.

What is money going give you?

All those are fake relationships—and they hijack limbic part of brain—to steal ability to focus on deeper meaningful things.

Hence back—to relationships—real relationships where you care for another person.

Here's interesting thing—as I work in therapy—with many clients both male & female—at end day what everyone really wants:

Just true human connection—

Just listen—

Just validate my feelings—

Don’t try fix things—

Just listen & hear me out—

When you listen & I feel safe—I like you—

Then I'll tell more about me—

But if you're judgmental or critical or pressuring me—it’s like I don’t feel safe—

I was with wonderful client—a young mother—this morning—

She said her relationship is explosive—

She shut down long ago—not safe around him—

Problem now—we have kids—

Navigating life through—

If she ever expresses feeling he’s explosive…

It’s sad & uncomfortable…

She says “What am supposed do?”

She's doing best…

I said as getting healthier & stronger—you gotta learn speak up:

“I’m sorry—I’m not going…

We have change…

Something we can do work on relationship…

Your explosiveness scares me—I feel unsafe…”

“I’m not sure realize how respond…

If care please help please listen…

I don’t mean contentious but gotta talk…”

Anyway just wrapping up thoughts:

Back holidays—as entering holidays—as doing podcast—

Slow down!

Where going so fast?

Always rushing!

Rush rush rush!

Stop!

Be present!

Give person front time focus concern energy!

Let them know matter!

If keep working—I guarantee except extreme situations relationships can heal & improve over time!

Encourage think about during holiday season…

Happy holidays!

Marcus Aurelius once said, impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. I'm working with an individual that has hit a brick wall and has been stuck for a number of years, and right now is in the process of breaking down that wall, is making significant progress in doing that. So I want to talk about that in this podcast as I'm working with him and we're digging deep in, how are you doing this now? Because here's an individual, very intelligent, very bright, that got most the way through college, but then lacked one class. And he had some negative experiences, and he just had to go back and do one class.

And I don't know, how many classes do you need before 40 classes or something you need to get until you finally get your degree total? I don't know. I'm just throwing that off the top of my head. I can't even remember how many classes I took through the years and getting my degree. But he just needed one more class. And yet it became a barrier to him where he dropped out, didn't complete his education, has been stuck and frozen for a number of years, five, six years, hasn't done anything. And that's when he finally reached out for therapy, Says, please help me explore what's going on with me. I'm stuck. I'm frozen. I don't know why. And completing my degree for whatever reason seems like the most challenging thing in the world to me.

Reminds me of another friend that I have. He's a world explorer. He has some world records on climbing achievements, sailing achievements. I mean, he's done Mount Everest a few times. Denali, Anyway, the seven. Seven peaks. Seven highest peaks on seven highest continents. Done that. And he wanted to write a book about his experiences, but he talked about his barrier to that, that he couldn't seem to get over that. He says it was easier climbing Mount Everest than writing the book about his adventures.

So that's an interesting dilemma that we find ourselves. And perhaps you're struggling with something that just as a barrier to you, for whatever reason, don't seem to be able to get through and push through.

So I'm working with this one individual. He's just an amazing young man. He's in his upper 20s right now, in that ballpark, upper 20s, early 30s. And he's got to go back. And he's gone back to school and he's taking an online course, extremely challenging mathematics course. And we've been working through it on week to week in therapy not that I'm helping him with that, but I'm just setting a goal. What are you going to do as far as studying for your class, taking your midterm, and again going back? Because I went back to school when I was 33 to finish my bachelor's degree and then went straight on for a master's.

And I can honestly say it does not get easier the older you get. And so he's taking this extremely challenging math class, calculus class, and he's busting through it. He's getting through it. He's almost done.

On the first test, he was so fearful of the test. He's a perfectionist, and that's part of the problem of keeping us stuck. He's a perfectionist, but he's studying. He's doing the work. He's working hard. He's studying.

He finally got his results back. Took him a long time to get his results back. He texted me during the week and said, I got 95 out of 100% on this intense calculus class.

I'm going, that's amazing. Your intellect is off the charts.

And he says, yeah, but the issue is my mind, in my fear, and what's preventing me or helping me avoid doing what I just need to finish this class, and then I get my bachelor's degree.

And I asked him the question: how are you doing it this time? How are you moving through this barrier?

And he's pondering that, and he says: well, I think it's my wife and my family—my children—I'm doing it for them.

And I said: when I was sitting down to actually take the first midterm it was like: no no no no—I don’t want to do this!

What he's become a master of is procrastination: I'm going to put it off; I'm going to put it off.

And he said: no I've got to do this.

He was sitting in front of the computer facing that obstacle—moment of truth—I’ve got to do this; I've studied; I've just got to get on and do it.

And he did—and he just opened the computer while the voices are screaming inside of his head: Don't! Don't! Do something else! Do something else!

Whether that's a fear of failure—the fear of not being good enough—and learning to manage that inside ourselves.

And then we talked about his perfectionistic... He says: If I don't get an A plus something—I feel I've failed.

And I'm going—wow—where does that come from? That's pretty intense! And because we're all human—none of us can get—we cannot get an A plus on everything!

He says: Yeah yeah—I know that...

So you need to make peace with that—just put forth effort—and we all need to do a better job of that—just put forth effort—do something—and don't let those voices inside our heads inhibit us—to the point where we don't do anything.

The Navy Seals call this thing violence of action—meaning—a plan acted on today is better than... Well what is the saying? Just—the fact that you have an okay plan—is better acted on today than waiting to develop a perfect plan—to act on it tomorrow.

We gotta do stuff—we gotta get stuff done—we've got to make peace with the fact we're not perfect—we gotta make peace with the fact everything's not going to align up perfectly...

If you write a paper every sentence isn't going be perfect; every idea you're not going be able explain perfectly; every question you're not going be able answer perfectly... It's okay! It's movement—that is—the important thing—the doing thing—getting engaged—just working!

So I'd encourage you—anyone listening—to this podcast—that there is great peace—and—in getting lost in work—for a period of time...

Work is a great elixir if you can just get out your head—and just go to work! Just focus on task at hand—and get out your way! Just go work—and do something—and quit worrying about 100% perfection on everything—it just gets in way!

Just work! Just get engaged—and do very best you can! Give honest effort! And if you're giving honest effort—that's only thing really matters—the intent of your heart—the intent of your focus—even though you'll be distracted million times—it's just part life—it just happens...

The ability stay focused—and get in flow state—it’s very very rare—but nevertheless—we cannot allow—that—to prevent us—from moving forward...

Doing something—is better than doing nothing...

I mean if you—I heard something this morning—in book—I was listening—to—as—I was at gym working out...

And as I'm reflecting on it—it’s like: if you don't try something if you don't attempt—to do something—you've already failed at it; you haven't accomplished it...

And so what harm can there be actually attempting something—and learning—in process? And who knows if—you might—not just accomplish thing—and do it—in way—that really—is rewarding—and—that really—is okay?

But if—you don’t do anything—you've already failed at it...

So ask! Ask—for what—you need! Reach out—to other people—you have issue—ask—for help rather than letting your fears inhibit—you—from moving forward—in life...

That's one worst places—to be psychologically... Like this individual—I’m working with right now—he is one smartest guys—I’ve ever been around—I mean his intellect—is off charts—and—and he is going accomplish great things because he—and he knows—he doesn’t have problem when he jumps in his studies—he’s very confident in that—it’s just there’s this other barrier—of actually getting himself—to do it—it just—you know—he’s trying weed out what—is going on—and we all have our different idiosyncrasies and stuff like that—but he’s confronting—it right now—and he’s actually doing—it...

His issue—is just start ignition—in car—it’s just start—it start engine—and get going—and you’re fine—but it's not starting engine—that is thing—that's keeping him stuck...

So I'd encourage—you—to ponder—that... Start whatever engine—you need—to... Just turn key—get going on something... Just take first step—and lose yourself—in your work—and get out your own way...

Anyway—just thought—I want leave—with—you this morning—is... I'm seeing this guy—he's smiling again... He's seeing hope—in his future... I mean he's got huge plans—not doubt—in my mind he's going achieve them... And he knows he will now because engine has started—and sees progress that's happening... Nothing's going stop him now...

But sometimes—we just have tendency—to get stuck—and I'm encouraging him—not spend time looking on bemoaning lost time—you know because ah I've wasted so much time I've wasted so much time ah water under bridge today's new day today is first day rest your life today is day today is most important day now is most important time your life so let's get up let's be doing

I'll end this podcast again with statement by Marcus Aurelius:

Impediment to action advances action.
What stands in the way becomes the way.
 

Reminder in this podcast of how powerful our thoughts are. I want to remind you that we constantly project our thoughts and an amazing session, therapy session with a young 17-year-old girl that I've been working with for about a year. Struggles with very low self-esteem, at least when we began our sessions. Just hard on herself, negative self-talks.

We've worked a lot about a lot on internal dialogue, the things we say to ourselves. I've taught her the ins and outs of that, how critical it is to be saying strong thoughts. And perhaps you've heard this statement, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Although we've been talking about it for a long time, sometimes it just takes a while for it to sink in.

And when I met with her this week, she said, man, I had the most amazing week. Everything kind of shifted for me. And I go, what happened? She says, well, I finally listened to the things you're telling me. And when I would walk into school and there might, there was a situation where there's a conflict, I would repeat in my mind the things that you taught me. For example, thoughts in my mind were, there will be no problem here. There will be no problem here.

And as soon as she thought those thoughts and repeated them and rehearsed them, a shift happened in her body and also she started projecting out some form of energy. And I remember hearing that in the story by Mark Divine. He's a former Navy SEAL and has a lot of podcasts online and I have a couple of his books that I've listened to and I remember him telling a story.

Not sure if I can remember all the details perfectly, but he was in a third world country and he was out late at night with some friends. And anyway, they were splitting up and they were walking home and he walked down a path. He was thinking, maybe I shouldn't go down this path. I think it was in Bangkok, but I'm not sure. It was a third world country.

And as soon as he started walking down this path, this little alleyway, a shortcut to his residence, there were three Laikudlam dudes. And he got the clear message in his mind. His antenna went up. These guys are kind of squirrely and there might be trouble here. That's the message that popped into his mind.

And then he went right into the mode in his mind, what thoughts he allowed to take the stage of his mind. And that is what he repeated to himself are these words: there will be no problem here. There will be no problem here. And as he's saying that to himself, walking towards these three guys. He's projecting powerful positive energy: there will be no problem here.

And the guys, they were... He saw them kind of figuring out what they were going to try to do, and then they just kind of disbanded and moved away. And anyway, nothing happened.

And this is the power of projecting our thoughts now. There's just so much that we do not understand about our existence.

So remember the statement by Einstein. He says, everything is energy. That's all there is to it. You match the frequency of the reality you want, and you cannot help but get that reality. He said, this is not philosophy; this is physics.

So if you think of radio waves all around us, even with our iPhones and stuff, there is stuff floating through the ether that we can't even begin to comprehend, and yet somehow it's connecting to our phones where we can gather all this information that's floating around.

We just have to tune the dial like a radio station. We have to tune our station to what we want to hear and also what we want to project. And this interaction is taking place all the time.

But I just want to leave you with this thought today: No matter what situation you're in—try it! Test this out! Project the thoughts of strength, courage and bravery and power.

Whatever situation you might find yourself in—don't speak them aloud—project them in your mind's eye. Put them forward as energy: I am strong; I am brave; I am courageous; I learn quickly; I remember things quickly or remember things solidly.

And if there's issues and you're walking into a room: there will be no problem here; we will figure out the solution and we'll do it in a peaceful manner.

And so just... Just want to leave that thought with you because of the experience I had with my one client this week.

She... She just said: This is just amazing man! I feel so much better! And I'm going to keep incorporating this internal dialogue into my life on a daily basis because I love the way I feel.

And so... And then I asked her the question: Okay so what changed? What happened? She goes: What do you mean? I go: What changed? How you said your week went was so different than prior weeks where there was so much struggle—internal conflict.

She says: I changed my mindset; I made a decision in my mind that I would allow or place through intention these positive thoughts on the stage of my mind.

We cannot help have negative thoughts pop into our minds; there's no way to stop that! But our agency comes into play when we choose which thoughts to place on the stage of our mind—and that makes all the difference in the world!

Anyway—have a fantastic week!

This podcast is for married spouses. And I want to talk about the word honor and integrity and keeping yourself faithful in your relationship with your spouse. Yesterday, I had one of the most gut-wrenching hours as one of the clients I'm working with just found out that her husband has been cheating on her, having an affair with a much younger lady. And it's impossible for me to describe to you the betrayal, the horror, the shock. Now, our whole world has been shaken, and you know what his excuse was.

So this is a great woman who—going to have to change the story a little bit to protect identities—but let's just say this is a woman who put her husband through school. She worked hard as she was having physical issues, a lot of physical problems, was always there emotionally and intimately available for her husband, doing what she could because she loved him, to take care of him. And she worked her tail off so he could get through school. He comes out with his professional degree, has an amazing job making good money, and it's taken a toll on his wife as she has continued to work through the years. She continues to work, but she's worn down. She's a little older, you know, in her 50s. So her body's changing a little bit.

And her husband's all like—I don't know if he's going through some freaking midlife crisis or whatever—but now he's been shacking up with a girl his daughter's age in her mid-20s, and he's in his mid-50s. And you know his excuse? As his wife was saying, "I try to be there intimately with my husband, but I've been having some physical problems." She's had a number of surgeries and stuff. And when she caught him—found out by text messages on the phone—his excuse is like, "Well, you weren't there for me. You kept pushing me off." And I'm like—are you kidding me?

Men, do you think that your wives are an object? That you own them and that they should be available for you intimately whenever you request it? That's just wrong. That is wrong. It's inappropriate. To honor your spouse is to treat your spouse with respect, with dignity, with understanding, with gentleness.

And I've always said this through the years in counseling couples: look, no one has the right to get in your bedroom. But anything—if you're requesting a partner do something that makes them feel uncomfortable—that crosses a line. You should never do that.

And man—come on man—there's no excuse. When she told me that I go, "What? That's what he actually said to you?" That he's justifying that and he's like having this midlife crisis. So he's really into physical fitness and trying to make sure that he's all this, that and the other. He thinks he's the suave guy; this naive 20-, mid-20-year-old girl gets all hooked up.

And there's another part of me also that's looking at these women who are getting engaged with these guys in this activity—they're just as responsible. So you women who are doing stuff like that—that's wrong also; it's just inappropriate.

And the devastation that happens from these fleeting moments of intimate activity in all their varieties—which is happening all over the place in our society today—I’ve also met with a couple of other fairly young clients in their mid-20s and 30s; they're hooking up with people online. They can get online and hook up with someone within a half hour.

And I go, "What? You actually—you don't have any idea who you're hooking up with? And do you realize that when you're hooking up with this person you're taking from them every single disease or interaction that they've had with anyone ever in the past? And if they're doing that with you don't you think they'd be doing that with other people all over?"

People—you need to stop that stuff! This is wrong! And I understand addiction—but get help! There is help available when you're feeling bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired.

Yes—we have this need for intimacy; we want to feel connected—but when you're participating in illicit sexual activities—do you know what you're running from? You're running from true intimacy; you're running from developing a real vulnerable relationship with another adult; being able to wrestle in the appropriate way with challenging feelings and stuff like that.

Have you ever heard the statement: "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never satisfy you?" I have worked with clients before that have had 30 or 40 different partners—and when I'm meeting with them—you would think: oh my gosh! 

And I'm thinking of an assignment that I would give clients when I was presenting at professional workshops. It's called Your Favorite Teacher. And in the assignment I would ask individuals to just take a period of time, perhaps a half hour. It's a time during the workshop where I just say, all right, we're shutting everything down. I'm just going to ask you a question. I want you to ponder and read and reflect, or not read, write and reflect on this question.

And then later, if you choose to, we can talk about it. and talk about it, I want you to reflect on your most favorite teacher or the person who has made the greatest impact in your life. And it causes them to reflect, thinking about, and I ask you to do the same thing. Is who in your life has made the biggest impact and why? What did they do? What characteristics did they exhibit towards you? And how has that impacted you and then how can you use that moving forward in your life, realizing the power inherent in one interaction. Isn't it interesting that when I ask you that question or when I've asked others that question, they're able to think of those individuals that made a significant influence on their life. I'll tell you one of mine. I was in eighth grade, a place called Walnut Creek Intermediate School. Very, very insecure. We just moved to California and so that was my first year there at this school. I didn't know anybody, but one of the things that I loved in life was sports and so I just loved basketball. Back then when I was growing up in the 60s and early 70s, there was no internet. There were no cell phones. We played football, baseball, and basketball. That's it. And so I love basketball, but very insecure. And I remember walking back from PE class.'re out in the field doing something and we were walking back to the locker room and the coach mr. Russell came up to me and he singled me out and he says hey Gordon I really would encourage you to try out for the basketball team. And I was so insecure before that. I mean, I love basketball. I don't know whether I would or wouldn't. But he said, I want you to try out for the basketball team. I encourage you to do that. And that meant something to me. It's like he saw something to me. It's like he saw something in me. He believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. And I was the type of kid that when it came time for the tryouts, it was an outdoor gym. We didn't even have an indoor gym back then. I was probably there an hour before anyone else ever got there. That's just the way it's always been for me. So I was out there nervous, just shooting, shooting, shooting. And I remember one of these big, tall guys, probably the tallest guy in our school, came by and he saw me shooting there. And he came up to me and this is what he said. His last name was Olson. He says, hey, what are you doing here? And I go, I'm, I don't know, I'm just, and he basically says, hey, this is where we're trying out for the basketball team. What are you doing here? Go away. And I go, well, I'm trying out for the team. And he was like, yeah, whatever.

Anyway, that started for me, the fact that I was able to do that and someone believed in me, had wonderful experiences playing high school basketball and two years junior college basketball, all because of a teacher. I mean, I don't know for sure what would happen if he didn't say that, but he came up to me and it meant something to me that he believed in me and he cared for me enough to single me. I still remember his face when he said that to me.

It meant so much. And when I listen to responses from other people who this question is asked, most always it's like they took a personal interest in me they cared for me and they they had the know-how to direct me with whatever it is I was struggling with or dealing with they they but the most important thing that I hear over and over again is I felt loved I felt accepted I felt that they really cared about me and so I want you just to think of the power of one interaction with another person and how you can make a difference in an individual's life by one interaction, by the way you are with them. I don't think I've ever heard someone say from a favorite teacher experience that they were critical of me, judgmental of me, demeaning of me. Now, that's not to say that there wasn't some gentle reproving and saying, hey, you're better than that. Let's move over here. But the focus was on, I love you. Even if you're not doing things super great, I'm not going to condemn you. But it's like, let's move over here and do something a little different. And then they would show them how to do that. But because they felt loved, that they felt accepted, that they felt accepted, that they were able to make a significant change in their life, that it left a mark on them. You know, I came across this quote also that kind of fits into what I'm saying by Leo Tolstoy. Remember the Russian prolific author? Remember the Russian prolific author? Listen to what he said as he is trying to work through some of the challenges of his life. And I'm just going to start reading and you'll jump on board. order to justify, but simply in order to explain my lack of consistency, I say, look at my present life and then at my former life, and you will see that I do attempt to carry them out. It is true that I have not fulfilled one thousandth part of them. And I am ashamed of this, but I have failed to fulfill them, not because I did not wish to, but because I was unable to. Teach me how to escape from the net of temptations that surround me. Help me, and I will fulfill them. Even without help, I wish and hope to fulfill them. Attack me? I do this myself, but attack me rather than the path I follow, in which I point out to anyone who asks me where I think it lies. If I know the way home and I'm walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side? If it is not the right way, then show me another way. But if I stagger and lose the way, you must help me. You must keep me on the true path, just as I am ready to support you.

Do not mislead me. Do not be glad that I have got lost. Do not shout out joyfully. Look at him. He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog. No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support. I love that statement. I love that statement. Here you see a man who is just saying, I want to be so much better than I am. But instead of berating me, instead of pushing me down, help me. Be kind to me. Give me what you have and show me perhaps a different path, but don't beat me up. I already do that enough. So anyway, we'd just like to leave you with those thoughts, okay? Think of your favorite teacher or person in your life and reflect on how they treated you. Ponder that, resonate with that, and then also you become that type of person to yourself. Forgive yourself for your shortcomings and failures. Perhaps you're doing a lot better than you think you are. This world is not easy. There are so many temptations around us, as Leo Tolstoy is saying. They're everywhere.

Things are meant to grab our attention and to drag us down into areas that most of the time aren't really that helpful. aren't really that helpful. Wake up, shake off, shake the dust off, stand up, try again. Today's a new day. Today, right now, is the only thing that really matters. And please remember, now is the only thing you ever have. And if you're constantly and you still feel hostage to the past, remember, you can break those chains by confronting the best that you can one day at a time when fears, anxieties, whatever it is, comes your way. Keep confronting them, even if it's all you can do to take one step at a time. Small and simple steps in a positive direction will eventually get you to the top of the mountain.

Many small bricks on top of each other create a castle. One step at a time. One positive, one positive interaction with yourself at a time. Internal dialogue. Pick yourself up. Be positive about yourself. Give yourself a break and just keep moving forward one day at a time.

The most vital question that any of us could ever ask is, what do we need to do right now? Now really is the only thing that matters. I was pondering that on the road this morning when I. When I was driving. And it really is true that the only thing that matters is right now. It's the only thing we ever really have.

And what I've noticed in working with people throughout the years is this concept of being a hostage to the past. Stuck in the past because of past decisions, past experiences. The way our physical brain is wired, particularly the emotional brain, the limbic system, the subconscious part of the brain, right? Three prime directives: survive by avoiding pain and getting out of pain by looking for pleasure.

But when we have negative experiences in life that are painful, they leave a scar on us. That's called trauma. It leaves a mark on us. And the problem is that we get stuck there. We become hostage to the past. And this is outlined very well in the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. We get stuck, we get frozen, as if the past is always present.

And that's just not true, though, because we've never lived this moment before. We are here right now. Whatever issues you're stuck dealing with can be dealt with right here and right now as never before. This moment, this instant, is the most critical moment in your life. You do not need to stay stuck because of past negative experiences.

Now, is it easy to deal with the past? No, it's not. That's why we have this thing called PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the way that our physical brain is wired. Neuroplasticity, the gray matter in our brain and the chemical interactions there—it leaves memories, it leaves traces. And so we have all of these memories that keep intruding into the present moment.

Therefore, the key to healing and change is constant mindfulness practice: I am here right now and always being able to come back to the reality that was then—this is now. That was then, this is now. Whatever you're afraid of, you can change right now. You can deal with it right now. You can act in a way that is confronting that negative memory or whatever is keeping you stuck.

There's been a lot of research behind the concept of exposure therapy—just meaning whatever you fear, you dive into it. If you're afraid of public speaking, you get up and you try to speak, try to put two sentences in front of each other, or you just do it. If you're afraid to learn to drive—it's fascinating to me that I know more than a couple individuals in their early 20s who still don't have a driver's license—they're afraid to drive, and it's so inhibiting on them moving forward in life.

Take action—whatever it is that you're confronted with.

So just a brief podcast this morning, just a thought to leave with you: What is it that you're afraid of right now? What is keeping you stuck hostage to the past? What is keeping you—a hostage—from moving forward?

I'm telling you, it is not that complicated. Fear is the only thing that you need to face. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, you can do something about it. If you're frustrated and angry about a way a person is treating you or a boss that's abusing you or whatever it might be—you have the capacity to do something about it: to speak your mind, to make a change.

You be the influencer; you have the power to do that. There's no great secret to that.

If you're waiting for the perfect moment to do something—to confront a past fear—I don't think a perfect moment exists. You've got to create the perfect moment, and you have that by the use of your agency and the power of choice.

Just take a step—do one small thing—just do something.

So this is what I would ask you—anyone who's listening to this podcast—what is bothering you right now? Write it down. What's the top thing that's bothering you right now? The elephant in the living room—what you're not facing—turn and face it square in the eye.

It's basically: look—go up to the tiger—look it in the eye—spit in it—and then shoot him.

Just do something about it.

All right,

Have a good day.

I recently finished a fantastic book, and I'd like to discuss it with our community. It's the book by Jeremy Renner, the actor. It's a memoir entitled *My Next Breath*. As I've worked with individuals over the years in the mental health setting, I've helped them understand how their brains work. And again, the model of the two-part brain involves a higher-functioning brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, which is rational and logical, and then this powerful, impulsive, driven part of our brain that's instinctive, surviving by avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

And so it's almost as if we're constantly wrestling against this, our efforts to do things that are proactive, intentional, and positive, because of the fear of failure. And so, one of my all-time favorite quotes by Helen Keller is extremely credible due to the life she lived. If you don't understand where she came from, just Google Helen Keller and listen. Listen to her story of overcoming being deaf and dumb and so forth. And this is what she said:

*"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."*

And then that brings me to what fascinated me about this recent book written by Jeremy Renner. I'm not sure if you recall what happened to him. He's an actor who played in one of the Bourne movies, *Bourne Legacy*, and then appeared in one of the Marvel movies. But he had a horrific accident where a snow cat, a big snow plow that is used in ski resorts and clears vast areas of snowfall to clear the roads anyway, ran over him, and he died for a brief moment. Talked about that experience and what that was like. And what he saw was so amazing that he no longer fears death at all. Death is not to be feared.

And so if death is not to be feared, what is it that we can get so wrapped up in in this life, and be afraid of fear and anxiety, so much stress that people are dealing with? So I'm asking you to take a look at what it is that you're afraid of. What are your fears? Perhaps consider the example of one actor who has become highly successful in life. And it's how he got better from this horrific accident, and his body healed.

He had conversations with his body when it wasn't responding the way he wanted it to. He would start a discussion with different parts of his body and instruct them on what to do. Fascinating stuff. Once again, we return to the power of internal dialogue.

But this is what Jeremy Renner, a template for his life that he even learned as a child. This is what he said:

*"I made a conscious decision to codify my fears and face them one by one. I would write each one down, then work to face it as best I could until I could check it off as no longer a fear or less powerful, at least."*

And I'm just going to read a couple of highlights from his book that impressed me. Another thing he said,

*"I realized from an early age that information was everything. I realized knowledge defeated anxiety every time."*

So, in other words, it's not what happens to us, but it's how we react to what happens to us. It's a whole theory, called acceptance and commitment therapy, in the field of psychology, that is centered on this very idea.

And it reminds me of the stoic quote—I believe it was by Epictetus—who says,

*"What disturbs men's minds most are not events, but their judgment of events."*

It's how we react to what we are facing.

And then a thought pops into my mind by Marcus Aurelius: 

*"Impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."*

So instead of allowing fear to paralyze us—which I have seen happen to many individuals—they are paralyzed by their fear.

And so Jeremy Renner—what a great example—a model for us is well: He would write down exactly what he feared.

So I'm encouraging you to do the same thing: Write down what you're fearing and then go to work dismantling that fear by gaining information, experiences, and taking risks.

Like Helen Keller said,

*"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."*

For example, have you wanted to start a conversation with somebody, but you're afraid? Write down what you're so scared of: Afraid of being rejected? Afraid of feeling silly? Afraid of looking stupid? All of those things are just irrational; they keep us stuck and frozen—and just acting on something—just acting—is so powerful.

And it's like when I was in the bookstore and I just picked up this book quickly—I read the first couple of pages—and that's why I bought his book.

I love his philosophy; this is what caught my attention in his book—and it relates to what we're discussing when we're dealing with fear—identifying our fears, dismantling them, and taking action.

This is what he said:

*"I believe that the most important thing in life..."* 

Okay—so what do you think? He said,

*"I believe the most important thing in life—the most important thing in life—is to take action. Feel everything; consider everything; read; think; ponder; cogitate—oh that's fine—but you have to do something! You have to commit to action wherever you can! Don't only think about things! Don't just feel things! Take the first step—and then the next—and then the next! Do it! Otherwise nothing's going to change; nothing's going to get better for you or for the people around you! In the end—it doesn't actually matter what you think or how you feel! Everyone is a mass of feelings and emotions—some good; some bad—but emotions never built a bridge or fed the hungry or saved a life!"*

So think about that: It's taking action on the things that we're afraid of rather than allowing them to paralyze us.

But everyone's got to figure out how to do that their way—but a place to start is to write down the things that you're afraid of—and then start putting down some possible actions that you can take—to confront those fears as far as gaining information.

So if you're afraid to talk to people—if you're afraid to reach out and try to develop new relationships—take a risk and do something! The first thing you can do is just smile and say "hi." Well—just do that! And then—and then—and then be willing to risk being awkward—and throw yourself out there—and start a conversation!

Anyway—it’s something that I've noticed so much in those that I work with who struggle with anxiety and stress—depression—addiction issues—we're always trying run from something—and I'm telling you—you can't run—we cannot run from things—life—we choose our pain: There's pain self-mastery discipline; then pain regret not taking chance.

I've worked with couple individuals—one particular amazing young man—amazing young man deals intense anxiety depression—he hasn't held job four years —completely capable doing it (well—I better be cautious how say)—but if look him physically he was bodybuilder—first competition ever entered as bodybuilder took second place—and never did again; He ran triathlon kid father; dad said yeah let’s do this—you know mini triathlon...and so was like think 11 12 time—in age group...his age group think was—you know 10 15 something like that...he won triathlon light years...he was old crappy bike...some other kids competing against were all spandex all professional looking attire...like they're even starting age 10 11 12 13 14 whatever...I'm going become triathlete...anyway beat every one them—and he's never run another triathlon since then; He's never done another bodybuilding competition since then...

See—the fear has such tremendous capacity—but fear falling short—not being able to maintain—that has paralyzed him...

So anyway—I’ve been working with him number years—for two years absolutely did nothing—basically stayed room—that’s how deep depression was—stayed room 24 hours day—I mean had support caring parents doing everything could get him medical help—you know therapy—they reached out—you know doing everything can every single angle...

Then there just comes a point where—I don't know—it goes back to a statement:

*"When the student is ready the teacher will appear."*

So everyone situation like this unless know someone who place like this there's no way to possibly understand talking about—you may say well—you know just need snap kid together man—you need tell grow up—you need trust me working individual couple others like—it goes nowhere quick—as a matter fact more negative impact...

This has to be super careful because there are so many philosophies out there that advocate for (and big proponents of embracing discomfort, pushing beyond limits, and trying to become the best can be)—but cannot push individuals too hard because they have witnessed situations where it has happened...

Without understanding extreme patience compassion individuals will take their own life because pressure—they already feel bad enough themselves...

Like one individual talking about when confronted parents going come on isn't time find job isn't time pull out—it simply makes situations worse—and says don't you (this client) says don't you think already feel bad enough myself—I already know exactly feel—I already know want me do—just telling have no capacity right now do—that's depth depression—that's depth mental illness—that almost incomprehensible—we can't wrap heads around it...

Medications aren't working...therapy sustaining life but not seeing much movement—but able to create a safe environment, just listen, just love...

And has individual amazing parents who just patient kind—I know would talked down many many people—but here's interesting thing: This young man last three months started turn corner because so much love patience shown him—is starting have little more faith world because had some horrible experiences where taken advantage other people treated poorly extremely sensitive treated poorly loses faith humanity says don't want deal people don't want talk people don't want relationships can't trust anybody...

Then, working on things, saying, 'Hey, life is either a daring adventure or nothing—and there are wonderful people out there. You've got to take a risk, it's worth it, throw yourself out there, do your very best, and one day, time...'

Everyone has to be super careful; don't set ourselves up too much. Think about it: does life ever reach a point where everything is blissful in every way? It just doesn't exist that way...

Problems exist, opposition exists; let's keep moving forward...

And if we were—it’s also another excellent book called *Indistractible* by Nir Eyal—is name E Y A L—and believe that's pronounce—it’s like have something called hadonic adaptation meaning can never fully satisfied any length time anything there's something within us humans doesn't allow us do because think about if ever delighted things would happen well nothing—we would stop—we would stop moving forward—we would stop risking—we would stop trying advance trying understand things trying do hard things...

Anyway, I just want to leave a thought again: looking at fears, writing them down, acknowledging your fears, and then doing something about them—you can do it, just try, the world's not going to end...

I remember story Albert Ellis developer something called rational emotive therapy—and he said don’t know afraid talking women—and set out park bench—I was afraid talking women set out go park just start conversation ask women out coffee asked number them most course thought oh man guy weird no no no but think were like think asked 20 women out two three said yes wonderful experience them nothing horrible happened—I mean respectful when said no not interested okay—but did something extremely hard nothing horrible happened learned from goes oh man it's what's going on mind—the fear thoughts keep stuck immobile

So here's the task quest invite for the week: Write down something you fear, then take action. Report yourself, learn from the experience, regroup, and then repeat the process to regroup.

If you do like Jeremy Renner actor says

*"I have found information knowledge can dismantle fear every time—or at least make less powerful."*

An issue has been weighing heavy on my mind of late, as I'm reflecting on three clients that I've been working with. One for about a year and a half now, another about six months, and the other about three months. And it has to do with the issue of marijuana. I'm going to try to restrain myself as much as possible in this podcast, but I'm telling you, I... I have issues with that drug. I have seen how destructive it can be, how insidious it can be, and it just takes over the brain. I call it brain clog.

Every single one of these three clients that I recently been working with are regular users, users of pot, medical marijuana. One's just illicit marijuana, the other two are medical marijuana. Let me first tell you about a client I started working with a year and a half ago. She went through a very difficult divorce, and so she was struggling with anxiety and couldn't sleep, and so her doctor prescribed medical marijuana. And I said, well, I remember in my interview with her, I said, so what did he prescribe? How long? He gave me a prescription for a year. And I go, what? No, a year? One year? And this drug has taken over my life.

And she had been using it at the time we began therapy for three years daily. And she had gotten to the point where her brain had taken over her mind and she could not go more than two hours without using. And yet her presentation to me, when she would check in, I said, how you doing? Physically, emotionally, spiritually? Physically, just... I feel anxiety throughout my body. Emotionally, I'm depressed and worried about everything. And anyway... And her desire was to get off of this substance, and yet she was so fearful, she didn't believe she could do it. She would say things like, "I don't think I can function without it." And the two other clients that I've been recently working with, they say the same thing, but it takes them a while to even get there because their brain—their physical brain (and the mind and the brain are different)—because their physical brain is so addicted to this substance and uses it as a crutch so much that they will avoid anything that might suggest that they stop using the drug.

The beast—what I call the beast part of the brain—that limbic part of the brain is like it's attached to it. It's connected its needs. Saying: "This is a survival thing." It's a lie. It's not a survival thing. But... And here's the thing that just burned in my mind: the physical presentation of each one of these clients—they all mirror each other perfectly. They are emotionally unstable. Their emotions go up and down. They cry instantly. One minute they're crying; one minute they're kind of pulled together; the next minute they're crying; the next minute they pull it together—or they can't control their behavior.

Two are female; one's male. The male cannot control himself whatsoever and gets in physical altercations all the time. And I'm serious. And if you were to see their presentation when I'm doing zoom sessions with them—they look exactly the same: this forlorn look on their face of horror, of terror, of being stuck, of being afraid, of having zero motivation to do anything.

And the one client—you know—I says... So she was able to hold down a job; the other two are not able to work. The guy is working off and on but very unstable in his employment. But this other—my first client—she really was responsible and was able to hold down a job and was functioning. But she says: "I have to use every two hours—even when I go to work—I go to the bathroom and I'm hiding it." And "I live in fear of being caught or if..." Anyway—it's just—the anxiety: she's driving with it; she's driving high all the time; and it just creates tons of anxiety.

Anyway... Any who might be using this substance—I would ask you to seriously consider doing whatever you can to get off of it and to find some other way to deal with your issues because it does not take anxiety away—it actually fuels anxiety.

And this one client that I've been working with for a year and a half—who was using for three years—long story short: she has been completely sober from marijuana for—I think—a year and three months right now. In my session with her this last week—she is a completely 100% transformed person: she's vibrant; she thinks clear; her job is going well; she is now in a committed relationship with a wonderful guy—they have connected—they're both in their mid-30s—thinking that the opportunity for true love had passed them by—but because of the clarity of her mind—and some decisions that she made—has led her to this individual through a series of different choices where she was willing to take a risk on dating—where before in her pot mind—she never would have done that in a million years.

So we talked about that—and she said: "I will never ever go back to that again." And it was challenging for her to get off because she was living with her sister & brother-in-law who used regularly—and so the drug was always there.

So I want you to know that it's absolutely possible—but she truly desired to get off of it—and so we focused on making the signal—that signal stronger than the noise of all the triggers and temptations—and there were times when she did pick up the pipe—and she was just about ready to use—and then she thought about our sessions—she thought about what she really wanted: "What is the signal? I want to be clean and sober; I want to get my life back." And then she put it down—and absolutely—her mind was able to manage her brain—and tell her body—to put that down before ingesting the drug.

And I'm telling you—she just said: "I'll never go back to that ever—that literally almost destroyed my life." And these other two clients that I'm dealing with right now—they're still stuck in the middle of it—they're resistant—to any slight suggestion from me that they might—and have to be so gentle with this—and if any of you listening to this podcast are using pot—pay attention.

Pay attention—to your thoughts towards what I'm saying—that you're angry—that I'm stupid—that I don't know what I'm talking about—I need it—my doctor has prescribed it—yada yada yada yada—I’ve heard all those—a million times—I’ve heard those all—just telling you there's a better way.

Except for very few cases of people maybe at end-of-life—and they simply are in so much pain—that this can help them—90% of the time when this drug is prescribed there could be something much better—that yeah—it might take away some pain—but problem is there's 50 other things that it does in your brain—to clog your cognitive capacity up—and your higher thinking ability—to deal with things—and it just zaps motivation—it zaps your desire—to do anything different.

Thinking of session I had—with wonderful young lady yesterday—she's in her mid-20s—hasn’t worked for two years—she’s been using pot regularly forever—she vapes on regular basis.

Vaping is another thing—that I would encourage you—with all my soul—to stay away from that—I’ve seen two individuals—in last six eight months—have most adverse reaction—to vaping where they ended up—in emergency room—their stomach felt like—it was on fire—they said—it was worst experience they've ever had in their life—it’s like they ingested something where their stomach was being eaten alive—and they couldn’t do anything about it.

So—the insidious nature of these drugs—what they do—is they take over—the brain—the physical brain—is issue; your mind & your brain are different things: your brain is physical hardwired gray matter thing inside your skull; your mind is thinking intelligent force full of energy & life & that's part when we die leaves our body & goes on to next life.

The mind has capacity—to literally change—the brain—you do have capacity—to restrain & refrain from acting on impulses—to pick up & use drug—I just don’t know how say any clearer—

If there's anything... If you... If you are using these substances—I just implore you—to look at other options...

I... Okay... I've been licensed mental health therapist for... How many years now anyway? 35-40 years—I’d have count up—but somewhere around there okay—a long time—thousands hours counseling—and honestly say—I do not have one memory an individual who is regularly using marijuana who is doing well all around in life—I don’t have one memory—and hundreds experiences individuals who were regularly using & trying deal with it whose life is all glumpy & messed up & full anxiety & depression & worry & doubt & fear & legal issues & on & on...

Because—it can be very easily gateway drug—to other things—even cause more challenges...

But—I want leave this podcast—with this one client who—is now vibrant & healthy...

And she said—to me last week: "I never thought in million years—I could actually do it—and my life is totally transformed—I will never go back there."

She is vibrant; She is full life...

I promise each one us—a year from now—their are million different potential versions ourselves...

Whatever self will appear—in one year from now—is directly related—to decisions/choices—we make today every single day every moment thereafter...

And there are better ways deal anxiety/depression/difficulties than trying use substances—that have negative side effects...

Anyway—it’s been heavy my mind—as I've been dealing these three clients—the one doing amazing—the other two—their lives completely out control right now...

Suicidal ideation… hopeful we can get through period time but... But they got find signal inside them says “Yeah—I really want/desire be free/clear brain clog”—and first accepting reality—that’s where brain clog comes from...

I know it's possible... I've seen it... But—you gotta fight—for your life—you gotta fight—for your mental health...

And I'm thinking quote Abraham Lincoln gave—in one speeches says—we're all wrestling (I'm paraphrasing) but constant wrestle between eternal struggle right/wrong freedom/slavery...

And these substances I've seen—they don’t help us—they don’t help us be free—they keep us chained down...

And when we become free them—the life that can present itself—to you & loved ones—is possible—it’s incredible...

And if you have loved one that's using—you gotta be very careful/gentle how approach subject/timing important/can't come across force/yelling/screaming at them because just entrenches power addiction further—they'll hang onto drug/gotta be mindful/aware moment when perfect moment say “Hey maybe there's different way maybe different option than picking up/smoking”...

But I'm just telling—from my experience—you take for what it's worth because what I do as therapist/I talk people closed environments where really tell what's going on/have not seen/just not seen cases medical marijuana really long run helpful because tremendous side effects/brain clog/drug lays out physical brain/blocks thinking capacity higher functioning neocortex/prefrontal cortex...

So change possible—but change is change—and sometimes we just have make decision/choice say “This what I'm going do/this what I'm not going do”—free will/free won’t--there consequences decisions we make--there just are consequences--so need mindful/aware/we responsible ourselves--look mirror/be honest yourself--just encourage for find truth within yourself/live best possible life can…

Okay that's all… Just sorry I've rambling on about but weighed heavily on my mind/just so frustrated what I've seen/how easily doctors prescribe this drug/doesn't help vast majority cases—not saying never helps—but saying from what I've seen—increases anxiety/increases depression/increases need use more/more/more till chained down/to this drug/don't think clearly…

The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said that the chance to progress or regress turns on the events of a single day. I'm thinking of that quote in conjunction with what's become known as the stages of change. So much of. Of course, my focus as a therapist is trying to help people with this elusive thing called change—change. Changes in behavior, actions, relationships, and so forth. How can they change their spiritual life if they want more spirituality in their life? How do they find it? What is this process about?

So again, the stages of change is. There are five stages. First is pre-contemplation, meaning a person is unaware that they need to make a change and is not interested in making one. And if someone suggests making a change, it's met with resistance.

Stage two is something called contemplation. Hmm, maybe I do need to take a look at something. Perhaps I do need to make a change. But they're not quite ready to do anything with it.

And then the third is kind of moving forward a little bit. They've contemplated that they need to do something a little bit different. They're trying to figure out how to do it. It's called preparation and planning. How might I make this change? Should I reach out? I've tried by myself many times to overcome this addiction, these relationship issues, my anxiety, my depression, and I'm not making much progress. I think I need to take action and address the issue.

Then the fourth stage is action. I'm actually going to do something. I'm actually going to call. I'm actually going to start an exercise program. If I want to get healthier, I'm actually going to start doing something, watch my diet a little bit differently.

And then, after the person finds something that works, the fifth and final stage is called maintenance. This can be the most challenging stage of all. And because of our human tendencies and human weaknesses, it's not a fixed state. So when someone... It's an elusive state. So, no matter how good we are, we don't completely stay in maintenance. We occasionally slip back into previous, unwanted behaviors. We need to make peace with that a little bit—not beat yourself up too harshly if that happens. It's all part of the process.

Real change may require repeated attempts, but there's something holy and refining in such striving, too—the striving to overcome, the striving to learn. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward. And that's what Angela Duckworth in her book called Grit—you get up and you just keep trying.

But the more you refine this process, the more time you actually spend on maintenance. And if we do not watch it constantly, we can easily fall back into previous patterns of behavior.

So I want to talk about one of my all-time favorite books—I think it's one of the best books ever written, really—it's called The Mind and The Brain by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz. And man, there are so many profound insights in this book.

One concept I want to highlight in today's podcast is that the mind and the physical brain are distinct entities. The physical brain is the plastic, hardwired part of us that has certain connections and channels that have been developed through the process of our mortal life and negative patterns. Traumatic events can lay the groundwork for us to become stuck and frozen in certain places.

And we keep repeating things over and over again in so many different varieties of that—whether it's addictive tendencies, anger issues, depression, anxiety—we just seem to be the same over and over and over again. We wake up and we're just the same, struggling with the same things over and over again.

Now, in Dr. Schwartz's work, he draws on the concept of quantum physics and many of these deeper—what I call spiritual—concepts, particularly in relation to the mind... And I'm not attempting to define or explain quantum physics here, all right? But just a part of it is that the mind has the capacity of free will and a free won't.

And this draws back to Viktor Frankl's classic statement: everything can be taken from a man but one thing—the last of human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

And this is the point between a stimulus and how we respond: free will, free won't—a space—in that space is our power to choose our response; and in our response lies our growth and our freedom.

And one of the things that I have found very useful in the clients that I work with—and it draws on what Jeffrey Schwartz talks about—is this concept of attention: attention must be paid.

And when we pay attention to something, the brain actually changes.

Dr. Schwartz's work was significant because he dealt with clients who struggled with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). He taught them a process of being able to identify when they had an obsessive thought, whatever that thought might be: "Oh, I need to flip the light switch 15 times in 15 seconds before I walk out of this room." The brain—the hard wiring of the brain—is simply misfiring, so he taught an individual to recognize that and be able to identify it, name it, call it out: "There's my brain—my hard wiring brain—doing just what it does." It's kind of stuck; he called it brain lock.

There's an impulse for whatever reason—and we don't understand how or why this happens—but there is a trigger, an impulse (whatever the obsessive-compulsive disorder), and it relates to addictive tendencies also.

When we have a trigger—a temptation—to act out a behavior that from the prefrontal part of our mind we know is not going to be in our best interest—we know there's negative consequences—but this impulse is so strong that we just don't seem to have the capacity or haven't trained ourselves yet—strengthened—the prefrontal (the conductor so-to-speak) of the orchestra of all these wild thoughts in the background.

We haven't ever been taught how to strengthen the conductor so that he can manage all these thoughts and these triggers that come from moment-to-moment throughout our lives—and this process is going on all the time—that...the question then becomes: what are we paying attention to?

And let me explain the difference between intention and attention: Attention is whatever grabs us and we're kind-of focused on moment by moment; intention is an act of agency where *I am choosing* to focus on this particular thing; *I am choosing* to set a goal—to accomplish a certain thing—and then my attention is going to be fixed on this intention.

For example: "I'm not going to smoke a cigarette for the next 60 minutes." That's my intention—and so my attention would be make that signal stronger than noise—just practice restraint—just practice it a little bit.

If you're not at place where you can totally give it up (whatever issue it is), practice small steps: "Oh there is my compulsion/craving—to smoke a cigarette as an example." Then an individual... Just what do I do with that thought? I recognize it—I call it out: My brain is just doing...my pleasure centers...my limbic system (hippocampus mainly involved in memory)—it knows how to feel good based on past memories—and so it's giving me an impulse—to get out whatever state I'm in: bored, lonely, angry, stressed or tired—anything that causes us feel uncomfortable...

Same exact scenario could be used when—we feel compulsion go—to go fridge get some food...

Research suggests about 80% time we eat—it's emotional eating—we don't need it; our bodies don't need it—and that's why there's...we have such issue with obesity/being overweight in culture because we have so much food; food as medication—it provides emotional relief from stress—and so learning proper relationship with that...

So same thing—you get craving—you’re doing some work—you have a craving: "I'm going go get some chocolate." Say: “Ah! There's my brain! Do I really need chocolate? No—I don't need it—but I want it.” Okay! Acknowledge: "I'm going practice restraint for five minutes before go get my M&Ms," or before I—you know—again putting off smoking for 60 minutes; if that's too long 30 minutes—whatever—just experience noticing trigger (whatever might be), acknowledging/naming—it...

These are my words; Dr Jeffrey Schwartz goes into...he has different pattern way he explains but for me I'm just drawing what works for me from his work...

But you name trigger/call out: "There IT IS" (capital IT). My limbic system driving me certain behavior—that I know from past experience has not been helpful for me—and so I'm going try process restraint/free won't—I choose NOT do this thing right now—and I'm just going sit with for period time—noticing how feel...

And this draws me back another amazing book called Embracing Discomfort by Michael Easter—we need learn—to if really want make progress life/achieving worthwhile meaningful goals set ourselves—we need learn make friends/be at peace with discomfort—it’s just part process—it’s okay—instead being frustrated, uncomfortable go “man! This awesome! This work!” It’s work!

Now here's interesting thing—and then what Dr Jeffrey Schwartz pulled out his book/research—is when able to practice free won'ts (“I'm not going do particular thing being tempted/cravings hitting me”) —our brains actually begin process changing—that’s why called neuroplasticity—the brain actually changing moment-by-moment/day-by-day...

The more practice restraint—perhaps why Thucydides (great Greek general/philosopher) says “Of all manifestations power restraint impresses men most”—being wise actions/looking long-term outcome behaviors rather than focusing instant gratification...

Most of those things that provide instant gratification don’t really satisfy the deepest yearnings of the human soul...

So takeaway from podcast—I would encourage you rest day just PAY ATTENTION when you have cravings go eat—or smoker smoke—or use drug whatever...Just notice craving when hits/stop period time intentionally “I choose NOT do thing right now” —just embrace discomfort little bit/just watch happens process time...

If continue practice this—maybe do restrain five minutes today/maybe tomorrow restrain seven minutes/next week 20 minutes/then 30 minutes...and then you keep process up—as your confidence begins grow based on your actions/past experience...

Anyway—that’s takeaway! Encourage you to practice restraint meaningfully/mindfully as relates to food/substances/even impulses, get/check social media/just restrain, realize your MIND is a really powerful thing—not your PHYSICAL BRAIN...

Your physical brain based past experience has learned what creates pleasure/so sending mind impulses act—but mind maybe not aware enough its absolute power say NO—I choose NOT DO THAT—I choose TAKE CONTROL ORCHESTRA SO TO SPEAK—I am conductor here—not you—and I know consequences these behaviors/I’m tired consequences—therefore CHOOSE—all powerful part minds we really DO HAVE POWER direct/change physical brain...

That’s a powerful thought!

Anyway, have an amazing week/amazing day/talk next time!

As I've mentioned in previous podcasts, one of my favorite books of all time is entitled *The Mind and the Brain*, with the subtitle *Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force* by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz. I've read one of the chapters called "Free Will, Free Won't" over and over again, trying to understand more deeply this concept or the wrestle that we have in philosophy: do we have free will or not? Do we have the ability to choose for ourselves? Or are we simply subject to influences that constantly bombard us? Behaviorists would claim that we really don't have choice—that they could place us in any particular environment and get us to do certain behaviors, that they control us. I just rebel at that idea.

Dr. Schwartz's work in *The Mind and the Brain*, to me, is a spiritual treatise. It's at the very core of the essence of life—the meaning of morality, the meaning of choice. Do we have choice or not? Do you have freedom of choice or not? It goes back to this concept that life is a matter of attention. Do we have the capacity to attend to a particular thought and hold it firm while competing thoughts drift away? It seems very challenging.

I love the idea that no, we're free to choose. We're free to choose. But yet I cannot deny the reality of so many of those whom I've worked with who struggle with addictions—they seem to have lost that capacity, or where the will comes from—that prefrontal part of the brain is super, super weak. It hasn't been trained appropriately through mindfulness, through awareness.

In Dr. Schwartz's work, it's very similar to what I have found with clients who struggle with addiction. He says the very key—the first step—in overcoming addictive issues or depression or anxiety is to be aware that they're there; rather than just being automatic responses, being aware that there's a trigger. Now, dealing with this trigger and all the neural networks laid down through past experiences is very challenging—perhaps the most challenging thing to deal with in life.

But then it gives meaning to life. I'm reminded of that scripture where Jesus says, "Right straight is the gate, narrow is the way, and few there be that find it." Why would he say that? Perhaps because it's so challenging in this world to deal with physical reality—the impulses and cravings designed to grab our attention.

So, the first step in healing and recovery is this thing called awareness: What is going on with me right now? What am I thinking right now? What thought presents itself to my mind? What impulse presents itself? And then what can I do about it?

Dr. Schwartz's work combines with a statement perhaps you've heard before from Viktor Frankl, survivor of the German concentration camps. He said something profound—way ahead of his time—that modern science has proven true: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing—the last of human freedoms: To choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Then he adds: "Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom."

So it's that statement—that between stimulus or a trigger and how we choose to respond—there's a teeny little space.

Dr. Schwartz calls this "the action potential," meaning there's about 500 milliseconds or so when an impulse comes from deeper regions of the brain—the limbic system, the emotional brain—and before we become consciously aware of it, the impulse has already come; as if "the train has left the station."

It appears when we struggle with things, our brain sends triggers and feelings spontaneously all the time. Our will—or moral capacity—is acted upon by these impulses from certain brain areas. Then we have our agency—to choose how we respond—even though physically we've been prompted.

When people have acted on certain things—drugs, alcohol, sexual activity—the impulse to continue these behaviors becomes very powerful; hence addiction struggles where one feels incapable of stopping.

I recall working with a client struggling with addiction issues (it doesn't matter which addiction—they're all similar). Addiction is an impulse or craving for physical behavior causing guilt, shame, suffering—whatever word you want—but it makes them feel bad after acting on it. They don't want to do it anymore.

So my question is: What is this essence within us that feels bad for doing something that felt good? Ah! Therein lies moral agency—the core of our existence—that knows right from wrong.

The way to freedom is paying attention—becoming more aware. When one has a trigger—even though powerful—and through experience knows it causes suffering but still feels compelled: what can be done?

I told this individual: The next time you crave your behavior, notice it; sit down in a chair but do not act on it. You have capacity—you can do so.

No—it won't be easy. Chemicals flood your brain and body driving you toward action; it's like you're commanded by your impulses.

But if you keep your prefrontal cortex lit up through awareness—thinking: "I'm having this craving—I will play out consequences if I act on this behavior"—and recalling you don't want those consequences—you can choose differently.

This person sat with his craving—not acting on it—for about three minutes in intense struggle until another thought presented itself (because his brain knew he wasn't going to act): "Let's go out in the garage and clean up."

He did just that; cleaned up the garage, went to bed, woke up feeling different.

He said he was so used to feeling guilty for behaviors against his values—but now he didn't feel bad because he exercised his agency and redirected his attention.

Dr. Schwartz has shown when one does this repeatedly, the brain literally begins to change—we are in process creating ourselves by what we give attention to.

We literally have capacity for freedom or chains.

Here's another issue: This chaining process—addictive behaviors—can also manifest as depression or discomfort.

Yesterday I spoke with a young man struggling with massive depression who said he's become comfortable being uncomfortable—it’s like an addiction itself.

But awareness is beginning his pull out; he's realizing he has agency despite years spent stuck.

We often get hardwired early in life into patterns due to impulses and negative experiences keeping us frozen in loops—feeling not good enough or accepted—and many addictive tendencies start as young as 10-12 years old.

Because they're so hardwired into our system, change is very challenging; recovery may require repeated attempts—but there's something holy and refining about striving continually.

No matter how many times you've slipped or recommitted: there’s sanctity in striving.

Bless you for doing so; do not give up!

Every effort living according to your values will pay off.

Just keep trying; keep picking yourself up day by day.

That's what I want to leave you with today: Keep trying. Keep moving forward. Every effort will pay off in time—believe it; trust it; keep striving.

You know, as I've been doing these podcasts for the past year and a half, I want to be a little vulnerable with you here and tell you some of the experiences as I'm working through these ideas of agency, of mindfulness, of free will and choice, and the wrestle that I've had in doing this.

It's like, it's extremely painful for me to do podcasts because I have such a negative voice or a myriad of negative voices or feelings that come to me. You can't do a podcast. You're not articulate enough. You don't make sense. Why would anyone listen to anything that you have to say? See, I wrestle with these things, and it's like, ugh. And yet. And so I wonder, where does that come from? What am I carrying with me from my childhood or from transgenerational trauma?

I know some stories of my mother. She carried this with her. And she told me that she was shamed by a teacher as a young girl—stood her up in front of the class and said, because she couldn't do a math problem, "Class, this has got to be the dumbest girl I've ever seen." Or that's a story my mom told me, whether that actually happened exactly like that. But that was the interpretation of my mom. And so she grew up with this inferiority complex, and yet she was the kindest, best mother for me but always had this feeling that she wasn't good enough carrying that with her. So I was carried in her as a child.

So I'm looking at my life, I look at my experiences, and I've never had any... My life has been completely different. I have had so many amazing experiences, wonderful experiences of being successful in pretty much most things I set my mind to do. And yet there's this powerful underlying feeling: I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I don't understand.

And honestly, from my experience, as I look back on my life, when I don't understand something, it's because I have no interest in it; it's not because I'm not intelligent enough to understand it. And yet this deep, brooding feeling of overwhelming—you’re not good enough.

So the idea of doing podcasts—I’ve wrestled with that—or creating a website or reaching out to Tony, who manages my website. I reached out to him a couple of years ago and said, I just have this feeling or wrestle with these two sides of myself. I just want to give back. Let's create something. Some of the things I've learned from the clients that I've worked with through years—I believe there’s some things that are helpful because they're constantly telling me, "Why don’t you put this stuff in a book?" That's why I wrote Language of Recovery or the book Recovery Simplified.

This stuff is so helpful because I've had so many experiences of people coming to me and saying, "Why isn't everybody using kind of these principles?" I go, you know, just the fact that someone would say this is really helpful or even four or five people saying this material has literally altered the course of my life and has helped me—that's enough for me.

And so I want to be able to give back. But still at the same time, I wrestle with this overwhelming feeling keeping me away from clicking on and doing this podcast. Like every single one of these podcasts—I don't even know how many we have up now—60, 70? I've just had to sit down and through the power of will.

And maybe it comes across clearly that I'm struggling in some of the podcasts but there's a part of me that is willing to do that—to be vulnerable—because you just... I got to keep working on it; got to keep striving; striving to pay attention to can-do thoughts: No, I can do this; and then just kind of chill a little bit with a healthy sense of humor—not take myself too seriously.

And I'm not a victim of anything—even if I carry some of my past trauma from my mom and my ancestors—I'm trying to acknowledge it and work through some of the things that I've... Some of the stories I've heard of them—some hard things—just as the same as you and your life. I'm sure we all have those things.

And tending to use my agency to focus on what I can do and just get engaged in doing something even if it's not perfect because it never will be—just move, do something, act; strive to create something in a positive way.

So according to William James, the father of psychology—listen to a couple of things he said:

"But the amount of attention an object or thought receives after it has caught our mental eye is another quality question." So again: back to—I have a thought or an impression: now do a podcast; you can make a difference to somebody; someone's looking for some answers that you might have.

That thought pops into my mind—and then I'm barraged by a number of what I call enemy thoughts: Ah, you have... No! You can't do that; you're going to be embarrassed before people; you're not smart enough to do this thing anyway.

So back to James: "It often takes effort to keep our mind upon the particular thought." We feel that we can make more or less an effort as we choose: "I'm going to do a podcast for me; I'm going to do this thing."

And then James says: "If this feeling be not deceptive," then "of course everything effort contributes co-equally with cerebral conditions to the result; though it introduce no new idea," it will deepen and prolong the stay in consciousness of innumerable ideas which else would fade more quickly away.

Sorry—that was pretty wordy—but it just means that when you're trying to stay focused on a particular thought or course of action you have a bunch of other thoughts coming in trying to take you out of that course.

It is often a matter of but a second more or less attention at the outset whether one system shall gain force to occupy the field and develop itself and exclude the other—or be excluded itself by the other.

The whole drama of voluntary life hinges on the amount of attention—slightly more or less—slightly less—which rival motor ideas may receive effort.

Now this is really interesting: effort may be an original force and not a mere effect—and it may be indeterminate in amount.

So when he says effort may be an original force—the very existence of us as individuals—this idea of mental force is that notwithstanding what has happened in my life; notwithstanding experiences I've had in my life—I accept the fact they have imprinted me to behave certain ways and think certain ways.

But there is something else inside me that supersedes all this hard wiring—that if I can tap into this—I can change and become a different person than I am. I can change some things that I want to change in my life.

And this goes back to the principle of agency or faith.

Now listen to this—I just love this statement one individual made about faith:

He said faith—we're not sure what it is—but "I believe it's the intelligent force in the universe that causes things to happen."

Faith: an original intelligent force in the universe that causes things to happen.

When we tap into it then it can begin the creation process.

And remember that faith is "the substance of things hoped for" or seen in the mental picture of the brain—and not in the physical world yet—that we are all in the process of creating.

And so again—it goes back: life is a matter of attention—and focusing attention on one idea; one possible course among many bubbling up in consciousness—is precisely what we mean by act of volition or mental force or mental focus or mental energy or mental exertion.

And there are also books I've read about what athletes do—not just athletes—but they practice visual imagery in their mind as they create in their mind's eye what they want to achieve in physical world—and they picture it in such vivid detail their brain is wired as if it actually happened.

You see—the brain cannot tell difference between thoughts repeatedly and vividly imagined—and something actually transpires.

So that's why we have to be careful what we fantasize about; what we're allowing taking our attention—and why?

Conscious attention especially on what we want become—as we're striving creating ourselves through positive affirmations over and over again—giving attention certain thoughts and feelings inside ourselves—then we become creators.

But unless we become aware what we're thinking moment by moment—we basically go into automatic mode.

And as has been highly researched—we have according limbic regions brain—a negativity bias—that means generally we're looking for negative things confronting us threatening survival.

And so thinking positive creative things—almost obsessive thoughts—are necessary create things.

So look at those who made tremendous difference world—I’m thinking Phil Knight—in his book Shoe Dog—I read his autobiography—and you know why he succeeded creating shoes?

He was obsessed with it; obsessed with idea—it didn't matter whatever distractions came his way; he was obsessed with shoes.

There were thousand distractions; many different things wanted destroy any reality him creating Nike—but he was obsessed with it.

You look at Steve Jobs and Apple Computer—what he created—you know why he created?

He was obsessed with it; obsessed with it!

He had thing around him called P—the reality distortion field—they said he came into room said: okay—I want this happen X amount time—and people say well impossible—and he’d say do it!

His energy was powerful because his thoughts and faith were powerful—it actually created things!

He influenced others actually change behaviors accomplish impossible tasks!

That's amazing! That's amazing!

But if you really think these people—and those are just couple stories—you check other stories people admire—you'll find same thing:

They kept their thoughts focused—or attention focused on certain train accomplishing particular thing!

You think Michelangelo painting Sistine Chapel—he’s basically saying same thing:

“Every block stone has statue inside—but it's up sculptor find it.”

He also said “If people knew how hard I worked gain mastery—they would not think wonderful at all.”

It was tension; attention; attention; attention helped him create!

So we look Sistine Chapel—we see picture oh my gosh guy absolutely amazing!

He’d say “Because worked super hard! My attention on this—I let everything else drift by until created work.”

So question then:

What can you become? What can I become?

If we choose through own God-given gift agency become whatever desire—or create whatever want create—it simply boils down how much attention give—and how long stay on train?

When get off train allow mind rest—can keep train in station so when choose get back on train certain train thought hop right back on train keep going next day?

Because need rest once while—we can't stay 100% engaged all time—we need sleep every night—but at least getting train thought alignment overall values—and understanding accepting reality how susceptible distracted wandering roads—

Just thoughts ponder again—

As wrapping up podcast—I have voice coming “Wow! You're not really leaving them anything! Give them something specific!”

I go—you know what? Don’t have all answers but hang onto one thought:

Whatever give most attention longest period time—that’s what begin change towards manifest world!

It's direct proportion prolonged mental efforts exertion—

Be patient process realizing things take time—but have faith truly desire—in time if don't get unhinged if not working fast enough—

Just be patient but focused effort—

Especially if struggling addiction issues before acting behavior stop realize absolutely 100% power within refrain act free won't—

To refrain act no less act than commit act commit one right!

Again—as mentioned podcasts—a couple favorite quotes then end podcast:

Thucydides Greek general philosopher “Of all manifestations power restraint impresses men most.” Meaning no free won't: “I will not do this thing.”

Marcus Aurelius one greatest powerful men Roman Emperor said “Pleasures when unrestrained become punishments.”

We cannot just do whatever want find peace within souls—

However whatever creative process created us—I experienced those who binge indulge pleasures world are most miserable humans—

They struggle suffer don’t know what do but keep doing more more more trying absolve pain creates more pain—

Way free yourself pain restrain activities really causing—

Look own life examine self trust awareness piece can let know exactly need intuition—and believe you'll find it!

Okay carry on.

Any addiction is caused by core issues of trying to get out of a feeling state. An acronym, one of the acronyms we use in recovery work is BLAST: being bored, lonely, angry, stressed, or tired. Whenever we're in one of those states, it's uncomfortable, and our brain is trying to get us out of those states.

In particular, those who struggle with very challenging childhood trauma issues are in a constant battle to get out of a feeling state. They don't want to remember being flooded with certain thoughts and feelings and some of the experiences that individuals have gone through. It's impossible to try to wrap your head around why an adult would do certain things to children. It's inhumane, incomprehensible.

In a wonderful book, a very powerful book that helps you understand the depths of what some individuals have gone through who have severe addictions is by Gabor Maté. *In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts* I believe is the title. It offers amazing insights. He spent many years as a doctor working with the hardest addicted clients, you know, with methadone, heroin addiction, and so forth. I myself have spent seven years in my career in methadone clinics and know the power of opiate addiction—wanting to get out of pain, wanting to get out of a feeling state.

So I was talking to one of my clients today about her struggles with addiction, and we were discussing this process of healing. First of all, it involves being able to go back, identify, validate, and bear witness to some of the horrific experiences in childhood and process through some of them to the best of our ability using EMDR therapy, ART therapy (Accelerated Resolution Therapy). That's a type of therapy that also accesses eye movements mimicking REM dream sleep, reaching the subconscious mind but using active imagination—actually going back and developing just using your imagination competing memories, changing the memories of horrible things that have happened in the past.

There is evidence that to the brain, the brain doesn't know the difference. So to the brain, it actually gets the message that this other thing happened. And so there's a competing memory and some relief seems to happen. But we're not naive enough to think that we can change what has happened in the past. The memories are still there, but with EMDR therapy it can resolve some of the deep emotional ties to things.

Then notwithstanding that, as we continue to move forward in life dealing with challenges and triggers and temptations of all sorts that promise immediate relief from pain, boredom, loneliness, etc., we come to this conclusion in recovery work—and this is why recovery is so doggone difficult: because it's learning to make peace with discomfort. It's like we have to embrace discomfort.

There's an amazing book called *Embrace Discomfort* by Michael Easter—highly recommend that—and another book entitled *The Comfort Crisis*. I love those books and their messages; they relate deeply to healing and recovery.

It's hard work. You can expect tremendous opposition. But when you learn to have the mindset of embracing discomfort instead of running from it, you get to have discomfort in your life because it is teaching you. All things—all experiences—are here to teach me and I will learn from them and turn them to my good.

Anyway, as I was visiting with my client today and talking about this, I said: see, in order for you to find healing and recovery you're going to have to learn to sit with these very uncomfortable moments and feel the craving. Every part of you wants that instant relief from that. And it's going to be super challenging and hard—but I'm telling you, you can do it.

You can sit with it, put your arm around it and instead of giving in to the drug of choice, go for a walk, go for a hike—go do something else—not to ignore it or deny it but just go do something difficult. Acknowledge the feelings but then be moving your body—something called self-efficacy—you've got to move; do something to be free.

See, trauma has a way—and memories of trauma have a way—of keeping us stuck and frozen. The body holds memories; it holds things in our cells in different parts of our bodies. That's why engaging the physical body in regular consistent exercise I believe is so helpful—moving constantly; feeling your body.

Yoga for example—stretching—I’ve had experiences where adult survivors of childhood trauma have experienced yoga for the first time. It was amazing how much stuck energy they were holding in their bodies. When stretching started happening certain ways they were flooded with emotions; started crying and weeping saying “What’s going on?” One individual said: “I have no idea but I’m releasing something.”

It’s not just a one-time release—it’s like your body is saying something; learning from it—to keep it moving; start practicing regular physical activities whether it's yoga or whatever else works for you on a consistent basis—to lead with your body; keep your body active and physical.

Regarding stages of change—you know the research on change: there are five stages:

1. Precontemplation: I don’t have a problem.
2. Contemplation: Hmm... I think I might have a problem.
3. Preparation and planning: I think I might do something about that problem.
4. Action: I’m actually starting to implement things; working out on a consistent basis; getting up in the morning reading recovery material or something positive for 15 minutes; doing certain daily activities.

Remember this statement: we do not rise to the level of our goals or dreams or aspirations—we fall to the level of our systems.

A system is something you put in place so that you will accomplish what I call small and simple tasks—which I call dailies—simple activities that we do that we know are in our best interest and we're committed to doing them.

This is where we need to make the signal stronger than the noise.

The signal is: "I do these things because I know they're in my best interest; I do them freely by my own choice; I'm committed." And I make this signal super strong by reminding myself of it.

Noise is all distractions that will come into play trying to stop you from doing those things—a million different things will come up because it requires effort.

Remember: The second prime directive of the limbic system—our survival system—is to avoid anything painful.

It's almost like we're set up to fail unless you learn how the brain works and take advantage by saying no—I’m going to embrace this discomfort rather than run from it—I get to do hard things.

Generally speaking when we do hard things there is some semblance of reward—we feel something in the process—and it's not so much about reward at day's end or trophies—it’s who we become in the process—the journey—that's most important.

Learning to embrace challenge and discomfort—I think—is a mindset we need to adopt.

The fourth stage is action; then fifth stage is maintenance where you try just maintain these daily actions.

Because we're not perfect we don’t do this perfectly—we will fall back into one of those other four stages—but we can pull ourselves together quickly learning embrace struggle as part of our journey.

I'm reminded of a story I heard years ago—it always made an impact on me—it always stuck with me:

A little boy was walking down the street; he looked down on sidewalk saw what looked like a cocoon alive with something wiggling inside trying desperately to get out—the struggle seemed intense—very arduous looking at it he said “Oh my gosh this poor little thing is struggling so much—I think I'm going try help.”

He reached down tore open cocoon—the butterfly flapped wings got out stretched wings flew up then soon thereafter came crashing down dead.

He was disturbed talking later with an older wiser friend explaining what he had done—the friend wisely told him:

“The butterfly died because you interrupted its journey—you see—the very strength needed for flight was being developed as it ripped out its cocoon—you can't take away that process.”

I want to use that as a metaphor:

I can't tell how many people told me they believe God doesn’t exist; God has given up on them; God has betrayed them; God doesn’t answer prayers—I believe this story is great metaphor for what’s really going on:

No look at creation seriously—you think everything was created just popped into space for whatever reason without intelligent force organizing things?

I just can't wrap my head around that even though things are mysterious—but I believe struggle has tremendous purpose—a tremendous purpose—to set worthwhile personal meaningful goals—and again—it’s not so much attaining those goals as who we become during process.

I remember talking today with another client about same thing—involved heavy issues trying resolve—but he said “When this thing resolves or that doesn’t think that's really going fix it.”

We talked about this—I know it's who you're becoming because once issue resolves 100% guarantee there'll be issue tomorrow different direction—that's how growth happens—how we become strong by looking at opportunities as challenges day-to-day whatever dealing with rather than running from them.

Anyway just want leave you these thoughts:

If you're feeling abandoned by God think about little butterfly trying get out cocoon—God saying “I know you're crying for help—I know you want me rip open cocoon get you out—but I've been doing this long time—I know what I'm doing—and you're going need strength in wings fly deal with what's coming down road.”

This process won’t end—I want best for you—I expect best for you—I know you're capable managing whatever dealing right now.

Again, let’s start focusing on embracing challenge, embracing discomfort, looking for long-term satisfaction instead of instant gratification—the hallmark of emotional intelligence, mental strength, the ability to delay instant gratification.

If you've been listening to these podcasts, one my favorite statements by Greek general philosopher Thucydides:

“Of all manifestations power restraint impresses men most.”

You have an amazing day!

In today's podcast, I want to share with you one of the things that I've been using with clients that has been helpful: confronting anxiety, depression, negative self-talk—something I call internal dialogue. The things that we're saying to ourselves over and over again have a tremendous impact and can keep us stuck.

Our brain is like the most amazing computing system in existence. It is always searching for understanding, and I believe that we find pretty much what we're looking for. A person's perspective is their reality. We all see things a little bit differently, but if we want to change what we're spending our attention and time on, it requires effort from the prefrontal part of the brain.

I'm going to give you an example of something called "why questions." I ask clients to list some of the things they truly desire in their life. If they're dealing with difficult relationships, not sleeping well, or feeling unhealthy in their bodies, I ask them to create what I call why questions as if those things were happening. For example, if you're having a difficult time in school, you might ask yourself, "Why is it that I learn so quickly?" or "Why is it that I remember things so clearly?" By repeating that script over and over again, your brain will search for reasons why that is true.

Another thing that can help enhance this process involves brainwave patterns. There are five different ones, but I'll focus on four: beta (the frequency happening right now as you listen), alpha (a little slower and more relaxed), theta (slower still), and delta (the slowest, associated with deep sleep). If we can get ourselves into the alpha and theta range, it has more capacity to influence the subconscious part of the brain, which drives 90 to 95% of our behavior outside of our awareness.

What we're striving to do is access this subconscious part of the brain and start rewriting some of the scripts we tell ourselves repeatedly. To illustrate, let's plug into some theta music—background music designed to relax our brainwaves—and I'll start asking a number of why questions, repeating them several times:

Why is it that I embrace challenge with courage and bravery?  
Why is it that I speak the truth boldly even if there is opposition?  
Why is it that I act on my convictions even if unpopular?  
Why is it that I approach life with such excitement and positive energy?  
Why is it that I love the adventure of life and feel fully alive to the possibilities and opportunities before me?  
Why is it that I believe in a positive future?  
Why is it that I learn so quickly?  
Why is it that I remember things so clearly?  
Why is it that I am so healthy and strong?  
Why is it that I am attracting positive and healthy people into my life?  
Why is it that I'm getting such peaceful sleep every night?  
Why is it that I'm able to slow down and focus powerfully on one thing at a time?  
Why is it that my relationships are so fulfilling and positive?

Repeating these why questions helps reinforce positive internal dialogue.

I encourage you to create your own why questions based on whatever you're struggling with—be it negative self-talk, anxiety, depression, or addiction issues. State them in positive present tense language. This approach ties back to the magic word "abracadabra," which literally means "what I speak, I create." Since the brain loves solving problems and figuring things out, if we're stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, asking empowering why questions can help break those patterns.

For example: "Why am I breaking out of this self-defeating pattern?" or "How have I found such a positive new way of living?" Keep asking yourself these transformative questions while playing background music like theta or alpha frequencies; this enhances your brain's ability to focus on different things.

The questions we ask ourselves are critical—if we ask the wrong questions, we'll get wrong answers. So ask better questions.

I've worked with clients stuck in their careers who weren't making progress or getting promotions. I've encouraged them to use why questions like: "Why is it working out?" "Why does my boss see my potential?" or "Why am I getting more callbacks for auditions?" Those who practiced consistently by recording their own voice along with music as part of their daily routine—what I call dailies—have seen tremendous results. Promotions and callbacks began flooding in because they projected positive thoughts and energy. Somehow this truly impacts others around us; people seem to pick up on those vibrations.

Dailies are small, simple non-negotiable actions we commit to every day to manage and direct our lives. Mentally strong people who find success do so because they've committed themselves to such systems. You've probably heard the saying: “We do not rise to the level of our goals; we fall to the level of our systems.” Systems are about small consistent actions done repeatedly—not relying on motivation because motivation fluctuates like weather.

Take exercise as an example: many start strong at New Year's determined to get in shape but fall off within two months. The same goes for diets—with research showing 97% who diet end up weighing more after a year than when they started. To mitigate this requires commitment beyond motivation.

Change follows stages: pre-contemplation (not aware there's a problem), contemplation (considering change), preparation (planning), action (doing), and maintenance (sustaining). Maintenance is often hardest because it's where motivation wanes but consistency matters most.

For instance, I've committed myself to exercise six days a week—even on days when motivation dips. Today was one such day: I got into the sauna with a goal of 20 minutes despite feeling unmotivated. My emotional brain wanted me out after five minutes but remembering my why questions kept me sitting through discomfort until reaching 20 minutes exactly. Afterwards, though initially reluctant, I felt accomplished and healthy.

This illustrates maintenance: doing important things even when you don't feel like it. The same applies for listening to your why questions daily—even when resistance arises—making them non-negotiable parts of your routine brings real change.

The evidence supports this practice: consistent use leads to transformation by monitoring internal dialogue proactively shaping who we become.

I love George Bernard Shaw's statement: “Life is not about finding yourself; it’s about creating yourself.” So think about creating your system—the small simple actions you consistently take—and watch your life slowly transform as long as you remain committed.

Okay! Have an amazing day. Make it so!

In this morning's podcast, I want to reflect on the power that the environment has over us and how it impacts our behavior. I have a heavy heart as I'm dealing with a beautiful young lady in her mid-20s. I've been working with her for about two months. She is heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. She almost overdosed and died, ending up in the hospital. That's how she came to me—her parents reached out and said, "Please help our daughter." Since that time, she has been clean and sober for about three months.

When she almost died, she had a heart attack. She felt something was wrong, and they rushed her to the emergency room. Somehow, she survived it. What she says to me is, "Man, that was a wake-up call. I'm moving forward. I need to get in to see someone. That's why I'm talking to you." I explained from my understanding how our brain works, particularly what I call the two-part brain. You have this emotional brain—the limbic system—where the pleasure centers are, driving your behavior. It's the unconscious part of the brain.

We need to learn how to manage that and understand these cravings and drives because they will come back when you get bored, lonely, angry, stressed, or tired. It's that system's job to try to take you away from pain. So I have to help people striving to get clean and sober embrace some discomfort and learn to make peace with it. This idea that we should be free of any discomfort and pain in life is just one of the biggest lies of all.

No, we need to do hard things that create discomfort. That's how we succeed; that's how we find joy in life. I love the statement by the Greek general philosopher Thucydides who said of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men the most. Or Marcus Aurelius, the last of the great Roman emperors, saying pleasures when unrestrained become punishments.

Learning to embrace discomfort is the way to peace—pushing ourselves with hard things, physical challenges, and so forth. We've just become so soft in our culture. A couple of fantastic books, some of my all-time favorites by Michael Easter: *The Comfort Crisis* is one and *Embracing Discomfort* is the other. I highly recommend those books; I seem to listen to them over and over again and never get tired of them—at least not yet.

Back to this client: she had been clean and sober for about three months. Her life has been chaotic—she’s been in a number of different relationships, living with guys off and on for the past three years. She just broke up with her boyfriend amid constant conflict. She's not working; her parents are torn but helping support her so she has a roof over her head.

Her Bolivian boyfriend was doing some work but not much—working from home—and they were both smoking weed all day long. Their relationship was chaotic anyway; they broke up, and she knows she needs to move on because it's not healthy.

One of her friends recently got out of rehab—and this is what I want to talk about—the power of environment.

Bottom line: she had two friends who went to rehab because her whole culture is a drug-using culture—that’s where all her friends are. They go to raves together all the time; they're always high; they're always partying in the rave culture.

Two of her friends finally got into rehab but then came out and both overdosed in the past couple of weeks and died, which sent her into a tailspin.

When I talked with her during a session, she said, "I relapsed last night. I drank to the point of passing out; I have no memory of what happened." She knew she was with some guys who ended up at their house; then she woke up in the morning and Ubered home.

While talking to me, she said she felt so sick right now that she couldn't stand it anymore—she had to change her life and get away from this.

This is when her parents called me trying to work on a plan: "What about rehab?" I said rehab's wonderful because I spent many years in addiction treatment—I used to oversee residential treatment facilities or intensive outpatient programs.

Here’s the challenge with rehab: you go away from your environment and get clean and sober—it’s wonderful—you’re safe; triggers are taken away; you can’t use; you’re in a safe environment; your body begins to heal; your tolerance changes.

But then you come out of rehab—and most always (and this is where individuals don’t understand what they need to change)—they will go right back into their original environment.

That’s what these two young ladies did: they got clean in rehab but returned back into their old environment—the triggers were still there—so they relapsed, went back using what they normally used, overdosed, and died.

The most classic research indicating the power of environment came in the 1970s by researcher Lee Robbins during Vietnam War's end.

It was discovered that around 30% of Vietnam soldiers had tried heroin; between 20-30% were addicted.

There was concern about an epidemic when soldiers returned home.

Lee Robbins followed these soldiers for a year after returning home—with stunning results: only 5% became re-addicted.

How did that happen? Because heroin is considered highly addictive—but it had everything to do with environment—all triggers were back in Vietnam.

Take someone out of that environment—they can restructure their life.

Individuals going into rehab often return right back into their previous environment—and about 95% relapse immediately—that's how powerful environment is.

For change to occur (and we can apply this broadly), if we want change we must change our environment however possible.

People going into rehab must get out of their old environment—they have to change their friends—you just have to change your friends.

Here's another interesting thing about this young lady: though committed to sobriety, she's not willing to change her friends.

She went sober to a rave and was disgusted by what she saw—all using and acting like idiots; eyes glassy—it hit her that’s what she must look like when using too.

Some people might say "We respect you being clean," but see how long those relationships last?

Any relationship where both use substances will likely deteriorate if one stops using because their limbic systems are wired differently now—the non-using partner becomes more rational while the other tries pulling them back into old habits—that creates conflict quickly.

So we're at a crossroads with this young lady—talking with her parents—we have got to get her out of that toxic environment—to move—to change—that's her best chance at recovery.

That's extremely challenging—most people aren’t willing—but if you're not willing, understand how stunningly powerful environment is—you must be willing do whatever you need—including moving somewhere else—to switch environments.

I know it’s super hard because those struggling with chemical addiction can enter any city worldwide and within 15 minutes find someone using drugs—their limbic system acts like a sixth sense identifying who’s using where they need to go.

They must surround themselves with clean sober friends; engage actively in recovery movements; get treatment and therapy.

That’s why I advocate more intensive outpatient programs—to help deal with environmental factors rather than residential facilities alone (though sometimes residential care is necessary).

The key after treatment is changing your environment—it’s critical for healing and recovery—and setting up systems for support along the way.

I love this statement: “We do not rise to the level of our goals; we fall to the level of our systems.”

Triggers overpower limbic systems constantly—all those I've worked with wanting change know they want it but haven’t found methods yet.

So we focus on putting systems in place—non-negotiables done daily—and learning to embrace discomfort regularly because healing requires doing hard things sometimes.

Again, I’m an advocate for physical challenges as part of recovery—a great book recommendation: *The Comfort Crisis* by Michael Easter plus his other book *Embracing Discomfort* offer amazing insights on finding inner strength—which ultimately leads us toward peace within ourselves—to look in the mirror liking who we see rather than being controlled by addiction-driven limbic responses making us miserable.

Remember Marcus Aurelius’ words: “Pleasures when unrestrained become punishments.” This applies broadly including food addictions too.

Those are some thoughts I wanted to share this morning: ponder your environment! If you’re struggling with anything at all, look closely at where you place yourself—and do whatever it takes make changes—to see how that impacts your life.

In this morning's podcast, I want to share with you a couple of experiences I had this past week in conversations and sessions with clients that are really, really profound and powerful to me.

Yesterday, I met with a beautiful young lady, 17 years old, just a great personality when she smiles. She's actively engaged in sports in her high school, captain of her team, just a very powerful, charismatic person. And yet she seems to have the self-destruct button where she just has such a difficult time looking at herself and seeing what a great person she is, how powerful she is, and how she lights up a room when she comes into the room. What is this self-destruct button that so many of us seem to have and wrestle with?

Confidence is so extremely attractive. And I notice in my conversations with her, she's talking about some of the challenges. She goes, "Oh, this past couple of weeks have been the most challenging weeks that I've had in the last year." I go, "All right, well tell me some of the things that are happening." The intensity of her emotional struggles, what's going on inside of her is astounding. If she could just see how she looks on the outside.

One of the things mentally strong people do not spend a lot of time doing is dwelling in self-pity. And the second she goes into self-pity, as I've noticed with many others and even in myself when I've gone there in the past, it's so unattractive. It's like it's immediately almost a little bit repulsive. That's why social media influencers are always seeking those who are confident; we're always seeking those who seem like everything is fine. We're craving that. We're attracted to that which makes us very vulnerable to deception.

How can we find that more inside of ourselves and just be okay with who we are? To be okay not being perfect at the outset, in the beginning of life—as I'm working on with this beautiful, gorgeous young lady—I say, "Man, we gotta start the foundational affirmation." She's working on a lot of affirmations. And I said one we need to really nail in there: "I'm tough, I'm capable, I can manage this situation."

It's so attractive when people have an air about them, a presence that says "I'll be okay; I'll be able to handle this situation again," right? If you've been following these podcasts right from when I started these podcasts—the traits of the mentally strong include a can-do attitude: "I'll find a way," "I'm tough," "I'm capable." Learning to have confidence in ourselves.

The next trait I would say is a healthy sense of humor. I believe a healthy sense of humor is one of the greatest gifts an individual can have. A healthy sense of humor makes it possible to just chill out when you need to chill out. Because we're imperfect humans—we're going to fail sometimes; we're going to slip up sometimes—and I'm not advocating that we excuse that or don't hold ourselves accountable. But we don't go catastrophic with slips or because we're less than perfect.

That's when you kind of roll with things. Have a healthy sense of humor and you just don't go into self-pity. Self-pity is so destructive and there's kind of an ugliness to it; it's not attractive.

So again: can-do attitude—"I am tough," "I am strong"—healthy sense of humor, and then zero victim mentality. The strong don't believe the world owes them a living; they want to earn things.

I think one of the greatest fallacies—and a lot of this is going on in our culture right now—is that the greatest harm we can do to a person is to give them things without earning it. There's a whole big movement in our culture just to give people things like they deserve them.

The world doesn't owe us anything. Where do we come up with this idea that just by being alive I should have everything that I want? I should be living in a million-dollar mansion? I should be equal with this person and that person when they haven't earned it?

Look at those who are in shape physically: How do you get in shape physically? You earn it; you work hard; you pay the price; you watch your calories if you want to lose weight—that's the bottom line.

There's no diet; there's no specific diet that works long term—research is so clear on that. I read research just yesterday: 97% of those who go on diets to lose weight weigh more a year later. They get all excited at the get-go—"Yeah, I'm gonna do Atkins," "I'm doing keto," "No carbs," "No fat," "Just all protein," etc.—none of that really works long term according to research.

I'll tell you what does work specifically with your weight and physical health—which is the core of who we are as human beings—is the amount of calories you take in.

Calories are just another word for little forms of energy. Food gives us energy. If we take in more energy than we expend, we'll gain weight—bottom line.

You lessen the energy you take in and expend more energy exercising; immediately you begin to drop some weight. So you earn it.

Okay? So again: can-do attitude ("I am tough," "I am strong"), healthy sense of humor, zero victim mentality.

And the fourth thing is when bad things happen—when things break down—man, I'm aware of three individuals who had car accidents this past week: totalled cars—three people I'm acquainted with—and then they pick up and move on.

I was talking to one guy; he's just like, "Yeah, yeah—I totalled my truck yesterday." I go, "Well how are you?" He says, "Nah, I'm okay; just a little bumped up." Then he went on with life: "Yep, I totalled my truck; I got in an accident; I'm not going to sit around and bemoan it; I'm not going to feel sorry for myself; I gotta pick up and move on; we'll figure it out; continue moving forward."

I'm not going into self-pity and self-loathing and so forth.

So again, back to this tendency we have to push the self-destruct button—I would encourage you to take a look at that; take your finger off the self-destruct button.

You are powerful; you are capable; you are tough. If you're listening to this podcast, look at all the things you've been through already in life—you’re still here; you're still standing—even if some of you think just barely—come on! You are capable. You have the ability to get through whatever you're dealing with at this time.

One thing the American Psychological Association would recommend for all therapists to tell their clients—and I 100% agree—is as we're trying to deal with our mental health we've got to get our physical health under wraps.

I read a couple amazing books this past week and a half by Michael Easter—I love these books: One's called *The Comfort Crisis* and then *Embracing Discomfort*. These talk about what has happened to us as human beings—that not much is demanded physically anymore.

Our world has turned into this emotional battle we're dealing with: anxiety, depression, and so forth.

One key to taking back our mental health is getting our bodies re-engaged in life—doing hard things—pushing hard things—pushing ourselves.

And I'll tell you one greatest hack: physical exercise.

That's been one staple of my life because I sit a lot doing therapy sessions—for years it's one non-negotiable—I get up and exercise every morning.

I've tried everything: weights, swimming, running, tonal machine exercises—I do everything right—but there's one exercise that has made more impact on my life where I feel stronger overall—in my core and every other way—and it's called rucking (R-U-C-K-I-N-G).

It's made me feel better—I have no tears or torn muscles—and it's simply walking with weights.

I think it was in 2023 or 2024 many major publications like GQ magazine and The New York Times published articles calling this exercise hack if you want better shape—it burns two or three times as many calories as running does.

It's simply walking with weight—you can google rucking—you'll see these rucking packs where you carry weight while walking.

I've been rucking for a while now—I can't even tell you how much better I feel all over.

I still do other things—I lift weights; swim a bit; do sauna and spa treatments—but rucking seems like icing on the cake because it works every part of your body with extra weight on it—that's what our ancestors used to do when they hunted—they carried food back to camp.

Anyway—check it out! Rucking doesn't involve fast jarring motions like running does—and most runners have difficulties with knees or feet or calf muscle tears if they run too much.

Rucking is amazing because none of those injuries happen but it's perfect cardio combined with resistance training.

Some people hate cardio; some hate resistance training—but I'm telling you from experience—it’s great for both!

I come to gym every morning—and maybe I need care how I say this—but there's this lady who runs spin classes:

She gets on bike and spins hard; probably could ride 50 miles on bike—but her upper body looks weak and flabby because she only rides bikes—not any strength training.

Others lift weights but do no cardio—they don't look good either.

Just my perspective: if you want to look healthy—you need both cardio & resistance training—that's what our ancestors did!

Another hack for physical health related especially for weight management:

75% of our weight depends simply on amount we eat—not so much what we eat but how many calories consumed!

A calorie is unit form energy—all foods list calories per serving size—you can observe daily intake—and you'll be stunned by emotional eating habits!

80% eating is emotional eating—we overeat often because we seek comfort!

We must be comfortable with discomfort!

The healthiest strongest among us embody restraint—as Thucydides (great Greek general) said:

“Of all manifestations of power restraint impresses men most.”

If urge hits fridge 80% time it's emotional stress—not body needing food!

When we eat emotionally—we add weight—that’s why belly fat accumulates!

People overweight mostly because they struggle dealing with discomfort!

One favorite quote from Brutus Hamilton (track coach for US Olympic team back in 1940s):

“It’s strange irony those who work hardest subject themselves strictest discipline give up pleasurable things for goals are happiest people.”

That rings true!

We need comfort being uncomfortable sometimes—to manage discomfort toward goals—it won’t kill us!

I'm big believer doing epic goals! Do something big!

I've friends who've climbed Mount Everest multiple times or adventured worldwide—but that's not me—I don’t want Everest or ocean adventures—even though Florida’s home—I don’t like ocean!

Saw 19-year-old kid sailing solo around world—not me either!

But epic journey doesn’t require traveling far—you can start hero’s quest right where you live today:

“I’m starting rucking today! Just getting 20-pound vest & walking one mile”—that’s challenging enough if never done before—or

“I’ll lose 10 pounds next month”—counting calories—that’s Everest for many due emotional eating struggles & discomfort learning process—

Learning “I’m okay being uncomfortable about food intake”—won’t die! Body will change limbic system rewires itself—

When making changes life goes well first week honeymoon phase then system fights back says “Forget this!” Mine was chocolate chip cookies—I love them!

Started naming calories per cookie (150 each)—trying below 1800 calories/day—

Usually after 3 hours exercise I'd eat four cookies & milk (~800-1000 calories)—no wonder gaining weight!

Perfect combo managing intake + physical exercise = success

Physical health helps manage mental health—body & mind connected cannot separate

Confidence comes when act better feel better look better—the mirror doesn’t lie—you know it & so do I

Confidence attracts people—you’re always preaching your sermon by example

So take stock: what changes can YOU make? What do YOU want?

How strong is your signal? If not making changes needed strengthen signal so YOU achieve your goals

Power of choice extreme most precious gift cannot minimize

All right—have an amazing day!

In this podcast this morning, I want to talk about the concept of signal to noise ratio and what that means in working with clients through the years. I would always center our therapy on what is it that you really want? Why are you here? What are you seeking?

Thinking of a young man I'm working with right now. Well, I'm not sure how young he is. I think he's in his 30s. And he's struggled with drug addiction throughout his life, been in and out of many treatment facilities, had periods of sobriety, and right now he's smoking again and trying to get off of nicotine. Our conversations are fascinating to me. I said, what is it that you really want? 

"Oh man, I want to be..." He totally has all the recovery lingo down. "I want to be clean and sober, man. I love God. God's in my life, and Jesus is everything, and it's love. And I want to be clean and sober. And I'm going to be clean and sober, man. That's it. I'm not going to use anymore. I love it." 

I go, okay, all right. And let's set some goals. I've been working with him for probably about three months now, and the conversation pretty much goes the same in parts of our sessions as I'm talking about what it is that he wants. I'll always say something like that: "Man, I want to be healthy and strong, and I want to be free of this." 

"It doesn't do any good, man. It doesn't do any good. I know when I get stressed, I go right to my drug of choice right now." He's been using pot in the past, but anyway—either of those two.

Yet when we get to the point of making a commitment for the week—what is your plan for the week? Because I will say to him, "Okay, all right, you're telling me all this stuff you really desire. So when we get off the session and the addictive voice starts hitting you again—and it's going to come—how are you going to respond to it?" And then that's when things get really interesting.

So my purpose is to help him recognize what I call the addictive voice: any thought or feeling of continued use of the substance. The signal is: "I want to really be clean and sober." So he's saying that to me, but the signal really isn't that strong; he's just saying the words. But I can see underneath it he doesn't really mean it. He wants to mean it, but he doesn't.

And so I say, all right, there are two parts of you: there's a part of you that wants to be clean and sober, and there's a part of you that wants to continue to use. Just acknowledge that the limbic, emotional part of the brain functions on the premise of instant gratification.

So the minute or second you start feeling emotional stress—boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, tiredness, hunger—any of those things—the limbic part of the brain's job is to get you out of that state. But it tricks you because the things that it draws you toward are addictive; like nicotine or excessive eating—they're not helpful for your body.

In our quest as human beings, one of the overall quests is to be healthy and strong in our bodies. Our bodies are the greatest gift that we have.

So the quest is to become—I keep coming back to this concept in my mind—and gosh, I gotta write a book on this stuff: Becoming a mindful warrior in the Age of Distraction. You know—kind of what is the new science of being mentally strong? How do we get the signal strong enough, set our course and get that signal strong enough so when noise comes it just beats off of it? It doesn't have the capacity to drag one back into addictive behavior.

The issue is the behavior because when you're smoking cigarettes it's not good for your body—it's just not. When you're smoking pot it's not good for your body—it’s not.

I have another individual I'm working with right now who's trying to get off pot. She's smoking constantly; she's so high during our sessions it's like she's nodding off continually—and I'm just going... The whole addictive thinking: yeah maybe someday I want to be clean but I'm going to work on that—but it's such a powerful drug.

But I want you to know anyone struggling with these things—it’s all coming from the limbic part of the brain—and it has everything to do with this concept of not being able to embrace discomfort.

In order to be mentally strong we must be able to befriend a little discomfort.

It's the same thing with eating—I’ve come to learn from my own experience and research is clear on this about 80% of our eating is emotional eating—we don't actually need it for our body.

The greatest hack for keeping your weight under control and manageable is simply this—and man it really is this simple though very challenging—we gain weight when we take into our body more calories than we burn; period.

I don't care what food you eat; I'm not an advocate for any diet—no diets—the research is so clear on that—in time—I think I was reading something recently—97% of those who begin a diet a year later are worse off than when they started because they just don’t stick with it.

So my advice—from my own experience and from what I've read—is just counting calories: eat whatever you want but keep track of your calories; it's called naming and pointing.

For example: I'm not going to deprive myself of a chocolate chip cookie—I absolutely love them—but here's the deal: when I started getting serious about my health and weight I'd always had this little roll around my stomach.

I'm 65 going on 66 now but no matter what I'd look in the mirror—even if I'd tell myself “You look good”—I'd see that flab around my stomach.

I'd be out in a swimming pool with grandkids sometimes taking videos and pictures—and I'd look at myself thinking “Oh my gosh no matter what you're doing you've got this flabby roll around your stomach.” And I couldn’t lose it.

Here's the bottom line: when I started getting serious—naming and pointing by counting calories—I could not believe how many calories were coming from emotional eating; running to cabinets between therapy sessions even though I'm exercising every morning.

This convinced me: how your body looks 75%, 75-80% has more to do with what we eat—not so much what as how much we eat.

Because literally I could work out three hours—I love exercising; committed—but then I'd actually gain weight sometimes! How’s that possible?

Ah! Then I started noticing something called the Hawthorne effect—that which we observe changes how things happen—and so by counting calories closely observing how much was eaten and how it made me feel—it came down simply how many calories consumed.

I'd have these amazing chocolate chip cookies from Trader Joe's on a plate—and I'd ask “How many calories per cookie?” About 100-150 calories each.

So I'd look at one cookie name it point: “This chocolate chip cookie has 150 calories.” My calorie count today trying figuring out where I'm at; what do I need do lose flab?

I'm going count calories keep below 2000 today just monitor.

At naming & pointing that's 150 calories; I'll eat that but I'll eat less elsewhere savor more—the cookie was one best experiences ever!

Previously I'd bake dozen cookies in half hour then eat four—that's 600 calories plus lunch plus dinner plus snack before bed—it added up—3-3500 calories daily—kept weight on no matter exercise because putting too many units energy in body

Calories are units energy—they're fantastic—not negative—but don’t put more energy than used because stored as fat weighs down

To be overweight stresses heart other parts body research very clear

So get yourself where need start vision start working signal remind self through positive affirmations “This who I am; this weight within few pounds; healthy fit strong.”

Keep strengthening signal day by day hour by hour notice noise distraction align behavior signal change begins happening

Total combination exercise amount energy via calories

Weight has more do with how much eaten than exercise because can't exercise enough burn if eating too much—you put back on

Anyway test see how works life work process becoming mindful warrior age distraction

If want improve health American Psychological Association suggests—and I can't fully agree but those seeking mental health treatment anxiety depression addiction should get prescription every time: start doing something physical wherever at body type don't compare start moving consistent basis regular exercise

Many coaches out there questions email me innergoldmail.com say “Heard podcast what exercises work client manage discomfort strengthen signal over noise?”

Signal: "I want healthy strong fit body within few pounds."

Noise: "Let's have cookies snack" that's noise—we got eat enjoy love but less more feel better all around

Gluttony overeating no good limbic system wrestle make peace understand beast screaming yelling prefrontal rational cognitive brain can make signal strong say nah okay deal discomfort strong healthy body live these exercises calories today simple hack improve health okay guys test own life observe name point count calories surprised maybe extremely surprised units energy putting body

Just going to do a quick podcast on a little health tip titled Eat less, Savor more.

If you're looking to kind of manage your weight a little bit, there's a powerful hack that I believe supersedes everything else you hear about this particular diet, that particular diet, so forth. There's something called the Hawthorne Effect. The Hawthorne Effect is something that describes what happens when you are being observed and when a person is being observed, they change their behaviors. 

As it relates to health and our weight, if you want to lose weight, here's just a simple hack: you just have to eat less. Eat fewer calories than you burn every day and you'll lose weight. It doesn't matter what you eat. You can eat whatever you want as long as you're eating less than you're burning. If you eat more calories than you burn, your body naturally puts on weight and stores it as fat.

So if you've been caught up in any number of different diet fads, I am just telling you from my experience and the research I've done—they don't work. They don't last. Historically, you can do them for a period of time and then they fall off the wagon. Very few people on any particular diet are ever able to manage their weight long-term.

The only way that it's done is through the Hawthorne Effect—meaning you observe what it is you're eating. You count your calories, and then you can eat whatever you want, but you just don't go over a certain calorie amount a day. You figure out what that is for you.

If you start observing what you eat—and I’m not saying this is easy—it actually is one of the most challenging things in the world. I think it's easier to go to the gym and do a really hard workout, notwithstanding how hard that is. Going to the gym is easier than monitoring what you eat during the day.

But if 80% of the time we're eating emotionally, then being able to be more mindful about that and set a calorie count for ourselves—to monitor it, observe it—is key. Those who are able to do it and reach peak physical state—that's what they're doing: they're monitoring what they eat.

Some of the gurus in this field say they don't tell people what to eat because it never goes well; they don’t prescribe this particular diet or that one. They simply say if you eat more than you expend, you'll gain weight. So it's a balance between exercising consistently and monitoring what you eat.

Yes, it takes effort, but it depends on whether you really want to feel healthier and look better. That's the secret hack. It's not complicated even though it's very challenging to do.

Learning to be uncomfortable from time to time—to feel a little hunger—that's okay. It's okay to sit with that feeling, and sitting with it is extremely powerful.

I'm thinking of the Greek philosopher Thucydides who said one of the manifestations of power is restraint impresses men the most. Apply that to your food intake today.

If just one little change—whatever you're eating—try eating a little less than what you'd normally put on your plate. If you want to test and see if this works for you, I would encourage you to start counting your calories and look at the scale periodically.

Simply ask yourself: how many calories did I eat today? Am I gaining or losing weight? If you lose a little bit every day and keep doing that, your weight will go down.

Then add exercise into it—you have the best of both worlds—and try to find that middle ground. That's always ongoing; it's always moving.

But if you observe and monitor what you're eating regularly—not so much what you're eating but how much—that's the great hack in learning to control your weight.

Again, I'm thinking of some of the greatest philosophers and thinkers of all time—like Marcus Aurelius, one of the last great Roman emperors—who said: "Pleasures when unrestrained become punishments." That can relate to food or other things like social media distractions where seemingly harmless indulgences actually come with negative consequences.

Another quote I remember from the Harry Potter movies by Dumbledore says: "To refrain from an act is no less of an act than to commit one." In other words, saying no—to resist temptation—is an active process.

For example: saying no to eating that pint of ice cream after a stressful day because instead you'll go for a walk or take some other action to relieve stress rather than trying to solve problems by eating them away—which doesn't work in the long term.

Sure, eating might make you feel better instantly—dopamine firing in the brain—but afterward comes remorse: "Oh man, I shouldn't have done that." Then feeling worse sets in and triggers more cravings in a vicious cycle leading to struggles with depression because you're not feeling healthy.

So learning to be uncomfortable is necessary; making peace with some pain in life is essential for mental health—and that's okay.

It's similar when working out hard or going for a run or walk—it’s hard and effortful but generally makes us feel better afterward.

Learning to manage yourself and observe yourself—that’s mindful practice; that's what being mindful is about.

So anyway, again: The hack for no weight loss or weight gain simply goes like this: Eat less, savor more. Slow down when you eat and enjoy your food but eat less of it and make it more of a mindful experience—you can actually enjoy your meals more while losing weight.

It has everything to do with simply the amount of food we are taking into our bodies—we usually don’t need as much as we’re eating since 80% of our eating is emotional eating.

So think about that next time you're having a craving—see if there’s something else you can do instead; examine yourself.

We all have decisions and choices about our health and how we want to look—but if you want to lose a little weight, portion control is the key hack.

Anyway, all right guys—have an amazing day!

I'm thinking of a quote by Marcus Aurelius, one of the last of the good Roman emperors, where he says, if it's not right, don't do it. If it's not true, don't say it. So I want to talk a little bit about my experience with those who come for mental health treatment counseling as they're trying to unravel some of the challenges in their life. And I think about this concept of our internal compass and this statement by Marcus Aurelius where he says, if it's not right, don't do it.

I met with a young man yesterday who is troubled, but the question is, is his troubles? Because the consequences of his actions, he's gone out and done things that are immoral, participating in activities that he knows are wrong, and yet. So he comes in to talk to me because he's troubled by them, but yet at the same time. So he's seeking resolution, he's seeking peace. He doesn't want to carry this weight, but at the same time, hearing so much rationalization, justification, minimization of the actions that he participated in with another individual.

And I just need to reflect to him kind of, I've reflected in that statement, if it's not right, don't do it. And when you do things that are not right, there are consequences for those things. And you can try to rationalize, justify, and minimize them, but to no avail. The consequences are there.

Now, there's a difference between shame and guilt. Right? Shame, of course, is. It hits right at the core of who you are as a person. I'm a bad, unworthy person. I'm bad at the core. That's not healthy. Guilt is our internal compass that's troubling us deep in our souls when we participate in behaviors that are simply wrong.

And we as a culture have gotten so far away from this concept of right or wrong. If it's not right, don't do it.

Most of the individuals that I've dealt with through the years, they come seeking peace, inner resolution, without wanting to focus so much on the behavior that caused it. They're asking me, can you help me feel better without changing some. Some of my behaviors? And my response is always, I cannot do that.

There are eternal laws of existence. They just exist. And I'm not going to, you know, give my opinion on what all of those are. You know them, I know them. And I mean, you can just look, you can just observe people who are suffering, who are angry, who are vindictive, who are struggling.

There's not A sense of peace about them.

Ask yourself the question as you examine them and you examine their philosophies if you're listening to podcasts if you're watching YouTube videos and people's opinions if they're not giving the presence of peace confidence assurance and above all peace ask yourself the question what is that about?

We do.

I believe we do all have an internal compass that's able to direct us in things.

We know the difference between right and wrong.

It's like this.

The challenge with things that are wrong.

Like this guy wonderful wonderful young man that I'm.

You know I love him he's a great guy But the.

The challenge with participating in activities that are wrong is that they become what's.

It's addictive because they're so pleasurable.

And what happens is that limbic part of the brain brain gains power.

And it literally seems like it has the capacity that when you get in a state of bored being bored lonely angry stressed tired in the future it almost shuts down it hijacks the prefrontal cortex which is the braking system which is where our moral compass resides which is when we're triggered with something no matter what it is there's a capacity within us to say wait a minute stop let's put on the brakes if I move forward in this particular activity there are going to be consequences and the consequences in some instances are dire.

Now yes there's varying degrees of things We all know that I'm.

And I

I heard a story once of you know a stagecoach driver that was driving on a cliff You know there's a really difficult pass to get through And some were saying you know boy you're such a good driver because you can drive so close to the edge without falling off as if As if supporting him saying man you're just amazing And then another individual another stagecoach driver when he was questioned or comparing to that he says I'm completely opposite I stay as far away from the edge as possible

I would use that as a metaphor and I would suggest that as a metaphor for our lives we do know the difference between those things that are right or wrong There are some very powerful illusions out there of things that will satisfy these deep longing needs inside of ourselves But if you find that some of your behaviors are creating internal torments whether you're involved in a particular relationship like this guy he's acting out He hooked up with someone online And this is the thing that's stunning to me This is how did you meet this person? I just got online Got on one of these sites and texted her and reached out and she responded within one day They're hooking up One day One day doesn't even know this person and they're acting out sexually going one day So yeah and then and then you know I says you know and by the time he came to me he had met with her again and it just escalated and he went further than he did the first time

I'm hoping that he came in the therapy He came in to check in quickly when this happened That says boy I would really encourage you to stop this right now Let's see if we can put the brakes on right now Check in with me as often as you need to but don't keep going down this path It's not going to satisfy anything

And here's the tell So he went out and did whatever his limbic system no boundaries or more it just goes crazy and he can never get enough right And I go well did that experience work for you Did it Did it help you? And he goes no It tormented me Here I am before you I'm tormented But yet the tendency and capacity to go back that's when you know what's wrong If you're tormented by something then do whatever you can to seek the help that you need to stop those behaviors

And if you don't If you don't know where to get that help Then just man If you're struggling with something personal like that or with pornography and you're caught in a trap and it's a deep dark secret and you're ashamed of it and the guilt is so heavy and your mind is darkened and you don't know how to get out of it And you're afraid you can't take tell anyone about it Because if you live in a high moral culture whether it's religion You know Just send me an email Innergoldmail.com I n n e r g o l d mail.com Reach out for help I'll explain to you what's going on and how you can start putting some strategies in place to stop this behavior that's tormenting you

I'm telling you It's not going to do you any good I've listened to hundreds of stories throughout my professional career None of these behaviors are going to satisfy that deep longing inside of you

And the quest of mental health Is to be free Is to be in charge of your life It's to be able to direct your life proactively rather than feeling chained to something whether it's with drugs alcohol You know sexual activity Those things just don't work people They just don't

You can rationalize justify minimize You can use all those powerful defense mechanisms But at the end of the day Just be really really quiet and look in the deepest part of your heart and ask yourselves the question Is this right? Is my behavior really right for me?

And then no one can choose for you I mean You have your freedom of choice Which is your greatest gift But I'm telling you You're not free to choose the consequences And I'm not saying that to be mean or judgmental It's just the way things are It's like the sun rises every morning We don't stop that from happening

And just as the sun rises every morning and sets every night Certain behaviors carry with it consequences Look in your life Do an inventory And just change those things

And don't say it's impossible You've tried in the past You've never Today's new day Even though you might have slipped or fallen a thousand times in the past Get up today Do something different And take charge of your life The power is in you Where you really can free yourself of these things.