Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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The Irish Times

571 episodes

3 days ago

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

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Comedy

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The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Comedy

Episodes (20/571)

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’

“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.

There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.

Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....

irishtimes.com

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3 days ago

5 minutes 41 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.

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2 weeks ago

6 minutes 5 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.”

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3 weeks ago

6 minutes 40 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.”

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1 month ago

6 minutes 25 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes.

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1 month ago

6 minutes 23 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend.

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1 month ago

6 minutes 22 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’

Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight out that he was Hertz Car Rental even thinking about going there again. But he asked her to marry him irregordless and then, in the first flush of their rediscovered love, she asked him – “tell me honestly, I won’t be angry” – what his friends thought of them getting hitched again and the dude snitched on me like a parrot with a megaphone.

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1 month ago

6 minutes 32 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’

The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years.

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1 month ago

6 minutes 9 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods.

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2 months ago

6 minutes 29 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.”

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2 months ago

6 minutes 18 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.”

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2 months ago

6 minutes 55 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?”

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2 months ago

6 minutes 40 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road.

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3 months ago

6 minutes 46 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ.

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3 months ago

7 minutes 2 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling?

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3 months ago

6 minutes 2 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.”

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3 months ago

6 minutes 5 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time.

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4 months ago

5 minutes 47 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.

irishtimes.com

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4 months ago

6 minutes 34 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.”

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4 months ago

6 minutes 28 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf.

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4 months ago

5 minutes 59 seconds