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"...Hmmm, alright, alright, don't rush me... We need some good defense, and you already snatched up the finest shortstop in the league... I guess I'll have to take the decorated spruce tree from the Gryffindor Common Room. Hmm? 'Movie version or novel version?' Pffft, what do you think, rookie?"
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Alright, Lieutenant, are you ready? The two of us are going to escape from the capital, get into a firefight in the swamp, commandeer a stolen gunboat, break into improvised internment camps, and blow up a space station to free our planet from capitalist subjugation. Any thoughts? ...That's right, just the two of us, yes... Hmm? Reinforcements? I guess we could find a ganglord under heavy fire and coerce him into assisting us until our teenage queen arrives with a young boy and two monks to back us up; that usually goes over pretty well, from my experience."
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Imagine a world just like ours - full of plants and people and animals - but with one glaring difference; some of the creatures can use abilities they normally cannot! Like, imagine if you saw a magnificent dragon, but instead of breathing fire, it zapped you with lightning instead!? Wouldn't that be crazy!?
Hmm? 'Yes, but not for the reason you're saying...'
Why, do dragons not exist in your world, or something? Don't be ridiculous!"
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Truly what is a mountain? What makes a mountain? How does one define the ancient and unknowable? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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What could be better than hanging out with the homies, flying down the slopes at break-neck speeds in a tank top? All of that, but with Seether playing in the background!!
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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Happy Thanksgiving, Sightseers! We hope this episode finds you well, and reminds you that despite how divided people are in the world right now, there is always hope for peace and understanding.
Unless your world happens to split into two separate realities, and the dark half is infested with angry, violent ink blots that want to erase you from existence... That does make peace a bit more tricky...
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Oh, you're going up the mountain to the old saw mill? No one goes up there anymore... Not since the...heheh, incident. Yes, it happened about fifty years ago; business started drying up and they had to file...Chapter 11!
...Hmm? 'Is that it?' Well, isn't that scary enough? The financial ruin of a longstanding, local institution is pretty terrifying, kid! What, just 'cause no one died, it isn't thrilling enough for ya!?"
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Has the sacrifice been prepared? Excellent, then let us proceed... It is with a very solemn and heavy heart that I must perform my duties today as the grand priest... But the sacrifice of one individual to the Mountain of Fire will garner us much favor with the gods! We shall have bountiful harvests for the following seasons, and the village will survive many hardships! Please remember that this sacrifice is for the greater good of all- Hmm? what's that? The mountain rejected her..? Like, it's just not hungry right now, or..? He said she isn't his type? Well, this is kinda awkward... I guess someone bring out the backup: the ol' 2004 Honda Accord... Man... I really love that car, too..."
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"...something about that mountain seems to breed tragic events..."
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Welcome to your worst nightmare... I think you'll find we've spared no expense in designing a unique experience intended to illicit the uttermost pain and suffering that you're pitiful husk of a body can muster... Here... It's a list of everyone you've ever met...and an old, rotary phone; you have to call each and every one of them...and have a meaningful conversation!! Mwahahahahaha!!!"
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Alright, LEGO Set #7153... My employer says he hasn't laid eyes on you in twenty years, and he's offering a handsome sum for your head. So I'm going to give you a fair choice... I can bring you in warm...or I can bring you in cold."
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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"Hey, time!! Time out! Ref, could I speak to you for a sec? Yeah, it's just that... up until this point, I've been fighting things like... large rats or cute slimes with goofy, cartoonish grins... And now I'm supposed to fight this guy... a ten-foot tall baboon, whose covered head-to-toe in blood, wielding an enormous katana in one hand, and his own severed head in the other... Like, am I the only one sensing a massive tonal shift here..?"
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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Ho ho!!! Hello little explorer!! You come to check out the capital of this dead kingdom as well? That's a big adventure for one of your stature hohohoho be careful, there's lots of puddles to drown in. Hold on, let me put on my glasses and get a better look at you... WHOA!! You're not a bug like me, you're a human!! How are you fitting in this cave?!?! What're you doing down here freak?!?!?
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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Greetings, Agent Orange. This mission is highly sensitive, and due to the nature of the dicey relationship between our two warring kingdoms, your actions will be denied and you will be disavowed if captured. If you still wish to continue, please check inside the bottom drawer. The envelope you will find details of the parameters of the operation.
Step 1 - Sneak past some guards and meet the princess.
Step 2 - That's actually it, really... Kind of anticlimactic....
As always, this message will essplode. Good luck, Jim.
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"Welcome to Hell, new fish. You're gonna learn real quick who's in charge of this place, and I'll tell you right now... it ain't the guards... If you're thinking of trying to operate you're own little smuggling ring in here, I'm warning you right now; my boss - the Governator - gets a piece of everything that comes in and out of this prison, and he- Hmm? Yes, I said the Governator... Yeah, like Arnold Schwarzenegger! Are you trying to be funny, pal? 'Cause Arnold doesn't like jokes! I mean he does... he has a very rich filmography spanning multiple genres, including comedy, but you get my point!!"
Outro: By Aiden Hamilton
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