remembering my shamanic origins as Santa Claus 

Saint Nicola, Saint Catherine, flying reindeer

though I don’t need to ingest the medicine, I Am the Medicine

courage to stay present in these places 

with the autonomic contractions in my body 

to let the sickness pass through, there is ease, there is challenge

I have the skill, I have all the help, I remember my reindeer husband 

my Medicine husband, in this place and it looks like him  

I continue to cut roots of confused presentations 

and honor what is True 

birth of the Christ Light between the antlers of the reindeer 

Yeshua the Master and his Magdalena, as shaman, as yogin

they did not have to take the mushrooms either

we can transmute all words and sounds through the throat chakra 

even those that we hear or read, though we may not be speaking them 

all sound is mantra 

I come into my sensuality to come into practice, 

to be ready for my yidam, my secret lover

pile of spiral silver earrings, glitter and pearl 

behind the post in the bathroom stall

when we meet everything that manifests on the inner and outer 

with unconditional love and acceptance 

then we can change our destiny 

it is not fixed or predetermined, we choose it every moment

Yeshua the Master said, it is not about praying to me as your savior, come into my arms and together we align 

with the Mother-Father Creator God, the giver of Life, 

which is already yours, eternal and sweet as the morning dew. 

Let your longing soften you, for that which you think you cannot have but is already yours.

cultivate your light body and know the One directly 

hang onto your hats, it is the season. It is the moment

everything you hoped for, everything you feared 

it comes in the dark of night, 

so dark you think you will die of suffocation, terrible and wondrous beginnings and endings at this time of the year, 

the birth of the Christ light so wrathful 

the birth of the Christ child so tender, 

it comes in a storm, whirlwind in the dead of the season

steady wisdom of the sure-footed creatures of the North

my reindeer and buffalo angels come to snuffle me, snuffle the baby

there is no holding on to anything but your beloved 

and he is not who you thought. 

the birth of the Christ child is the cause of happiness, 

but it must result in human happiness, joy in the dark of the night, 

not alone, my family, my loved ones, we press close together,

 we affirm each other and the sacred together 

we sing praises in the dead of the night, 

even in deep depression and despair 

we look for the causes of happiness, know them and become them 

the victory of the Peace that is so implacable 

that the mind cannot comprehend. 

Alien Star Orchid Dakini. I came here to be human 

so confusing and disorienting, valiant struggle to learn 

Tree of Life, Breath of Life, humans hurt each other 

they ignore each other and insult each other 

they deprive each other of what is needed and wanted 

all of samsaric existence, when we experience life through samsara

Hathor Star Nation, shared Merkabah 

humans seem to get together and talk about things 

but there are so many other things going on beneath the surface 

so many energies in multiple other dimensions

I never understood how to focus just on that most surface level 

I am the One of Supreme Peacefulness 

I am the One who proclaims the sound of HUM

lover and beloved as Father,

not father to me, but Father in himself

spine and the wings, stem and the bowl

Father and Mother, masculine and feminine in the Union 

the roles disappear, but are not diminished 

I see you, I am seen, it is personal, it is cellular 

we ride on the golden wings of the hawk 

against the back, hold me so close, 

up in the sky, protecting the eyes and the corridor to Heaven

the Mother and Father are One 

Indestructible Bindu of red and white seed essences 

eternally wed in the Heart 

the Light and Will of the Father, the Love and Devotion of the Mother

Love of the body, of the Earth elements 

the physicality must come from the Mother, she is that

the body and the Love of it

The Precious Treasury of the Basic Space of Phenomena 

is the depth of mind of the omniscient lama 

that beautifully reveals the meaning of Dharmakaya, 

Genuine Mind itself, to be Naked Awareness 

with nothing to be added or dispelled

I possess the slow seeing of Owl, measured turning of the head Medicine of discernment, wisdom, and destroying deception

Truth of the Garden, Truth of the hell realms 

lighting the way through death with shared Light and cultivation

to liberate the suffering ones, following Yeshua and Magdalena 

but he has forgotten, or maybe not 

yet he is choosing something else 

in this moment of eternity and I am grieving 

I pray to be shown the highest good that is in this 

I especially pray to know my own happiness 

the Causes of Happiness, and my deepest desires fulfilled

one part leaking energies and one part pristine absolute Truth

tantric, shamanic, and indigenous

we travel into the celestial realms through my voice, 

then root into the body of the Mother, fingers touching lightly, 

sinking bare toes into warm sand, sun kissing shining faces

man and woman on this earth walk, witnessed by the medicines, 

creatures, angels and other humans in the light of day

letting go of him from ceremony, from the womb of purification 

I took him in so deeply with the spoken prayer 

the smoke, earth and sky, grandfather Tabaquito 

letting go of him from traveling 

through astral realms and the underworld,

where I already knew him

we have been there before many times together 

he does not want to do this with me now

Master Alchemist, I am assigned the task of transmuting 

every elemental energy and emotion without judgment or reactivity, 

Sacred Neutral, every step I take is leading to my happiness

I practice as the yidam even though I feel like an undeveloped fetus 

like a raw peeled shrimp from the lower realms

the alchemical centers are the glands of the endocrine system 

the chakras, they are the autonomic foci of the nervous system 

portals from the subtle dimensions into the physical body

fusion of sun and moon in each one 

Master Alchemist, the knowing of this 

the need to balance it with development of the human 

the paradox of needing to practice in these profound secret ways

just to tolerate being in this body 

and in contact with other humans and form 

forgiveness of the looking forward to new sweaters and crystals 

and things that I don’t even really want

we do our deity yoga first, manifest as our yidam 

and then command the protectors to protect us 

from that point of view 

they are part of our spiritual Sangha, expressions of Buddha activity  

they are our spiritual immune system

commanding the elements and the miracles, 

commanding the orders of angels and the protectors 

commanding from my God self 

from the place of union and inseparability

I must activate the bellows to be in my body 

difficult when in ordinary non-ceremonial life

but necessary if I am to be in Presence in every moment 

a cleansing mental, physical and spiritual shower 

somehow, I need Protectors for this 

I must ask and receive, but somehow use my volition 

maybe nectar up, as the rain pounds on my body, the dead body 

the shame is hard to bear 

I stay inside, I stay deep inside with the writhing 

I cut the roots of the glaring projections 

I cut the roots of the ones who are drawn to them and grab for them egg on the face

the passionate holy camels tenderly eat it off with their swimming lips 

the accidental running into them 

without eye contact or acknowledgment is painful 

since confusion is due to afflictive emotions

it is held that freedom comes 

from making emotions themselves the path, this is fortunate

hatred for her face, rage for his profile, 

as they waited for their hamburgers 

Angels of Mercy, Dove of Shekinah‘s Grace  

fractured souls,  fragmented psyches, grief and devastation

I submit to the cleansing shower, like a shivering dog in a bathtub

when the dark night of the soul persists do not resist

the rebirthing process, stay connected, that is the key

all spiritual approaches must culminate in the approach 

of the Vajra Heart Essence, being impossible 

to attain Buddhahood without perceiving this doorway

I made a vow to him one night as we were still damp 

from sweat and heat, I said, I pledge you my Truth

he spoke of the Nature of Mind

allowing boundary to arise from adoring care of self and other 

free from aggression

when there is discomfort or negativity in the dream 

the practice is to bring Love to it

I understand the fractured soul, the fragmented psyche

the kind where the mother tries to destroy the child 

or the mother kills herself 

it makes for a very different kind of life and practice 

we take care with the story and positionality

the fear of the softness, of the reverence, the vulnerability 

the fear of being seen in that place 

the shame of previous profane thinking and acting 

the fear of remembering the connection with him and the reverence the sacred opening, remembering, remembering

the words, the prayers, the songs, they penetrate me, I am split open

my passion shows on my face, and in my body, my deepest desire

sacrifice, to make sacred, everything that I think is, or was, profane

my teeth are pearly white, I sing the Song of my Highest Destiny 

I want to be lying down when the serpents come alive 

and start to dance. Vase Body

my Father, the Creator, gives me what you hear me say 

and what you see me do 

the Mother of Wisdom, Shekinah-Sophia, the Holy Spirit of Truth 

bears witness to this

becoming aware that I was in the death process for years 

continually resisting the rebirthing, the initiations 

I did not realize what was happening, or know how to do it 

I did not know how to let concrete reality dissolve gracefully 

and safely at the time, while raising two daughters

the yearning for him, to be close to him 

I don’t indulge it or inflame it and I don’t deny it 

I let it come out and I let it be, I let it rest, I let it breathe and be seen 

I stand on the top of the ridge 

before Grandfather Sun and the Sky Grandmothers 

with all of my Relations and the Angels of the Tree of Life 

with the Stone People and my Magdalene brothers and sisters 

I speak out loud…I want, I need, I love, I feel, I am seen 

I rest in the light of day, I start with my roots through my feet 

breathe up, resting in the bowl of my womb, alive 

breathing up through the gates, the Nectar, the life force 

my heart it swells, it is afraid, I let it burst up through the corridors 

Cosmic Buddha Christ, Angels of the side bodies 

offering up the red death, offering up the white glare 

I take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, my True Essence 

Divine Mother, who never fails me 

we breathe in, we breathe out, we sing 

I stroke my arms and my hips, I stride with dignity 

I rest in the Beingness that I Am

Sangha is in the head center, it is body, Nirmanakaya

Dharma is in the throat center, it is speech, Samboghakaya  

Buddha is in the heart center, it is mind, Dharmakaya  

my deepest desire, 

for Union with my beloved on a mild sunny day 

stamping crystalline reindeer, white seed essence 

for Union with my beloved in the dark of night 

jaguar breath of fire, red seed essence 

red and white eternally wed, indestructible Bindu in the heart 

Vajrasattva, help me to remember

I spend devotional time in communion with the Seraphic Hosts developing in myself the superior power to cast out demons 

and take dominion over the outer world of form

Blissful Inner Heat Yoga of the Fierce Goddess 

is associated with the navel chakra 

Dream Yoga is associated with the throat chakra

memories of the sun on his skin, the marks, the coloring left behind

their suntanned faces above finally bleached linen robes, 

Sun kissed  

longing for the Sun, longing for the Sun and the Moon 

desire of the Moon for the Sun and Sun for the Moon 

Moon kissed by the Sun, the hunger for his skin,

kissed by the Sun 

the warmth of the Sun on my skin, I let myself have the yearning 

I offer it up

stroking, nesting, intimacy, the joining of magnetic fields

the nesting of the male initiate 

in the magnetic field of the female initiate

reproducing being in utero of the mother  

I recognize this, I hold it sacred, Pure Intention 

the good fortune of the female initiate 

my heart grieves, my pain body cannot comprehend 

that Creation could have made this mistake 

I Am made for this, the training to stay awake and be the Love 

tender and fierce, where there has been deep injury 

Angels of Mercy and my own True Essence, teach me to see clearly