You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do.  And I guess it is also a question of what not to do.

BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important.  So, let's cover it!  In this episode, I cover 5 to-do's and to-don'ts.  And in the next episode, I'll cover 5 more of each.

Why is this important?

Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) when they aren't quite sure if they are clear on the path.

That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE.

RELATED RESOURCES:

Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do

Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do

Why You Are Discouraged... and What To Do
How To Save Your Marriage - System

What gets in the way of you getting traction in your efforts to save your marriage?

These days, there is one very substantial reason... one thing that keeps you (and many others) from making progress.  And it is only accelerating.  What is it?

Distraction.

Yep, it absolutely gets in your way, pulling you away from what is most important.  Pulling you away from priorities and opportunities.

What is the antidote?  We talk about it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage Toolkit
My Books

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"

The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Pause Button Marriages
Dangers of Disconnection
"Can This Marriage Be Saved?”
The Save The Marriage System -- DE-Zombie Your Marriage!

A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it.  How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse?  That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it?

I have some news for you:  many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse.

In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as frustrated, and just as unsure as their spouse.

But there is a difference:  They think that working on their marriage... even when feeling upset and hurt, is important.  Important enough to choose to act in spite of those feelings.

You may be thinking, "Wait, I can't act differently than I am feeling!"

But with just a little reflection, most people realize they do it every single day.  "Not feeling it," but still going to work.  Upset about your finances, but still paying the bills.  Angry about something, but not taking it out on someone.

See what I mean?

We all do that all the time.  Why?  Because something is important enough to not just react to our emotions.

I discuss it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
7 Stages of Disconnection
Connection Matters
Better or Bitter?
Failing Ways to Argue
Save The Marriage System
My Toolkit

Are you an AI user?  Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life?

How about regarding your marriage??

If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion:  STOP!

Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage.  Some reported a spouse becoming enamored with the chat.  Some reported a spouse "discovering" from AI that they needed to end the marriage (which is less about the wisdom of AI, and more the result of how AI is built). Some have reported a spouse (or even themselves) asking for advice on how to respond to an argument.

The end results?

Certainly, not improvements in the marriage.  Mostly, the outcome was poor.  To the point of divorce, in many cases.

This isn't the fault of AI.  It was never intended for this purpose.

But since so many people are turning to AI these days, I thought it might be time for us to talk about this (I first typed "chat," but thought better of it).

RELATED RESOURCES
The Connection Principle
The Path to WE
Being a Team
Save The Marriage System
The System Toolkit

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment.  Look up some political topic.  People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other.  And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage.  Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

RELATED RESOURCES
Reverse Psychology Fails
No Contact is Crap
The Importance of Connection
Growing and Stagnation
Issues with Marriage Therapy
Grab the Save The Marriage System

Question:  does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?

Answer:  YES.

Longer answer:  for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity.  There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability.  But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens.  Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses.

And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended.

In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:

"What causes an affair?  Why did it happen in OUR marriage?"

and

"What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?"

In these two cases, the questions are not academic.  They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue.

If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Other Affair Episodes
Connection and Marriage
Book:  Recovering From Infidelity
Program:  Save The Marriage System

Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this?  It doesn't matter"?

I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.

It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives.  They are not the big things, but the small things.  And that is the tragic part:  many marriages die from a thousand nicks.  It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things.  In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things.

Which raises the question:  WHY do we have these arguments?  Why do we bicker?  (Check out the podcast below)

And then, the second question:  HOW to change this pattern?  (Check out the podcast below)

RELATED RESOURCES:
Control
Disconnect
Problems with Therapy
 My System
Article:  Conflict Isn't The Problem

 

 

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Yet
Connection and Disconnection
3 Levels of Connection
Acceptance - What IS That?
Save The Marriage System
The Lone Ranger Tool Package

I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble:  Getting Better or Getting Bitter.  One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing:  Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration:  Bitter.

Here is the irony:  many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness.  And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage.  They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing... and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns... away.  The bitterness gains ground.  It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was "too far gone," "too hurt," or "too damaged."  In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Getting Bitter or Better?

Let's talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go.  Listen to the podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Don't Let Emotions Choose
Forgiving in Marriage
Showing Up
Empathy and Connection
Save The Marriage System
The Daily Better Workbook

I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way.  So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you.

...And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.

(I bet you didn't think so, did you?)

Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse.  Sometimes, much worse.

Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem?  This is something you want to fully understand.

(If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.)

RELATED RESOURCES:
Break Your Agreements!
You See Things Differently
Dealing with Disrespect
Save The Marriage System
The Lone Ranger Toolkit

 

Connection is the lifeblood of marriage.  In fact, we are wired for deep connection.  And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting.  Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection.  When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection.  As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three layers, there is a multiplying effect.  Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week's podcast to discover the 3 Layers of Connection.

RELATED RESOURCES
Save The Marriage System
Why Connection Matters
The Pause Button Marriage
My Books

“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started.  The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though.  The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems.  I didn’t know what she was facing.

When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out.  There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged.  I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution.  My neighbor friend got the book.  My neighbor followed the guide.  And that cube was, sure enough, solved.  Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube.  Easy-peesy.

Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube.  There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s.  In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.

Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path.  They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.

Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.

RELATED RESOURCES
How Bad is it?
Should You Give Up?
Can It Be Saved?
Grab the Save The Marriage System
Get Tools for the Climb

Can you save your marriage??

That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage.

They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage.  And that fact keeps them from taking action.

Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action.

Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started.

I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can't be saved.  But I don't have a crystal ball... or even a Magic 8 Ball that will tell me whether it can/can't be saved. And so, far too often, they don't take action.

And their marriage fails.

But what if there were a way to get clarity... to get more understanding of what might be involved in saving your marriage?  What if there was some GPS that could give you direction on the possibilities and what is involved.

Well, there is.  And I discuss it on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I've created a new assessment, called The Growth GPS Assessment.  You can grab it for just a dollar.  GO HERE to take advantage of the offer... and gain clarity.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
The Growth GPS Assessment