This week we get into the holiday spirit by watching Santa With Muscles. It’s about Santa. With Muscles! Anything outside of that, we’re not so sure. This is our third movie on the pod to feature Hulk Hogan, but the first one that doesn't show him ripping a car door straight off its hinges.
Maybe the car doors were the friends we made along the way …
Hardly a Hollywood holiday hit has Hulk Hogan hurling hoodlums, heaving haymakers at henchmen, and having half the har-hars as the Holocaust! Orphan impropriety! Children cheering for virtuous violence! Clause Cunnilingus! Bob knows a crystal expert! Strokin’ during cave time! Mad scientist mafia! Ragtag researchers ransacking! Hogan hops in a hummer with his holiday horde! Deputy bazookas? Angels laughing at the damned! Exploding rose hands, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Pregnant by the Pastor: The Aftermath, and we’re not sure if it’s a sequel or the first installment because even Tubi doesn’t know. We don’t even know what this movie is about, who it’s for, or what its many layers of dense symbolism even mean.
Oh boy, here we go ...
Various vixens with vague values, valor or virtue vie for Vicar's viscosity void of virginity, vestments and vespers! Tyler Perry approach! Visual shorthand via hat! A ton of tongues! Meeting with the impregnator! Part-time pastor rap partners?! Talking shop over mustard and water! Side rimmer jobs? Graveyard chicanery! Sensible sound design, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into 1996’s Primal Fear, Edward Norton’s debut role, and Richard Gere’s best performance. It’s like that 2010 movie, Stone, but without the cornrows. We’re celebrating a good movie week before we get lost in the sauce again, so let’s take a deep breath, and talk about one of the best legal thrillers of the 90s.
Ready? Set! Go!!!
Martin motions that murderous minstrel mister has been mistakenly marked as the murderer of a Monsignor, and must mar the malicious materiality, mainly due to molestation of minors, and misguided men and maiden! Marty meets Marty! Janet isn’t into gerbil play! Bishop bedroom bedlam with a sweet little bloody boy! Marty bursts into Janet’s lunch! Tickling the jury’s doubt pocket, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Nicolas Cage’s The Surfer. Shoutout to Jeff for emailing us the suggestion. We all love Nicolas Cage more than life itself, so it’s only fitting we revisit the legend after doing Prisoners of the Ghostland two weeks ago. CAGE FOR DAYYYYS!
Little production note for y’all: Rob has a new supercomputer, and for some reason his keyboard is louder than god, and apparently his office chair needs to be hit with some WD-40. Sorry about that, let’s just call it ambiance…
Soul surfing snobby scumbag sociopaths sabotage, shame, scold and spite the son of a sandy and sea soaked suicidal slip ‘n slider! Cage’s craw gets stuck! I hope it’s anCHOVY! Fixing for a quick little shit-me-up! Sexual surf and branding rituals! Delirious with rat-spit infused wounds! Scally gets slick in the swim shorts, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Heyyyyy, no video feed this week guys. We had an unspeakable amount of behind-the-scenes issues that were unfortunately not able to be rectified. Thanks Norbit ... you broke us. We may never recover.
Here we go!
Unfunny, fake, flabby female flogs, flips, and feuds with four-eyed fellow and his frail framed female friend! Can you cut off a butthole? Blasian Face, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, you better hold onto your TESTICLLLEEEEEES because we’re getting into 2021’s Prisoners of the Ghost Land, starring our one true God, Nicolas Cage. What’s the movie about, you ask? Your guess is as good as ours, but it’s like if Mad Max was Snake Plissken, but also Nicolas Cage in a sci-fi horror Western saga. It’s that good.
HI-FUCKING-YAHHHHH!
Treacherous tale told, targeting a tyrant with twisted testicular TNT, a tormented town trek, and a true tribal takedown! Frankenstein henchman! Sex slave streets! Squid Game chasing! Kentucky fried Colonel wannabe! Veritable phantasms! Undressing a bunch of artistic chicks? Nic’s dick exploding suit! Post traumatic stress comedy relief! Clock tower towns! Psycho ghost Samurai zombies! Rob isn’t a gun, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into 1980’s Alligator; a movie that is way better than we thought it would be, but feel compelled to roast anyway given the nature of this podcast. You should watch it. It’s on Tubi for free. It’s great. Sometimes it’s not. But it mostly is.
Aight, let’s go.
Gator guts guys who are getting rid of golden doodles in the garbage, gores goons in the gutter, glances at a gal, and goes after greedy grifters at a garden gathering! Writing wizard wasted! Bayou beast bartering! City sewer slasher, or the works of a sketchy scientist?! Mangy mutt murder! Wrongdoing researchers! Steroid style growth of edible animals! Colonel Vagina Helm? Globs of hormone indicators! Madison’s vagina fetcher! Horny hunters eaten in Booger Alley, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Half Past Dead, or as we like to call it: Halfway to straight-to-DVD for the remainder of Steven Seagal’s career! Alcatraz! Ja Rule! Gold Heists! Cars! Guns! Russians! OH MY GOD WE’RE ALREADY YELLING SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET INTO IT!
Here we go, cuh.
Squishy Steven is stuck in a cell, in the stockade, since stripping stolen sedans is still a sin! Segal’s disruptive force! Bromantic bazooka spooning! Tactical goth squads! Morris Chestnut and his trench coat Mafia! No Ja-rules! Sneaky, cinematic Seagal segments! Hand-to-hand henchman hoisting! Temu Tyson Beckford! Duel in the industrial arena! You don’t see a lot of swinging chain fights these days! Utilizing armed inmates! In the heli as welly! Bob is an idiot, but Chris and Rob are idioter, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week we get into 80s historical fiction, Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Not too much fun though, they don’t even say “wanna,” which would come off as a little more informal and a lot more up for anything. Champagne wishes and leotard dreams coming right up for yerrrrrr!
Here we go.
Giddy, godly, go go girls grind with guys, grappling with a groovy gyration game, giving gramps the gloomy gus groan, then green light gladness! Super 80s caucasian dance pop kind of … thing? Horny babysitting tactics! Rich Bitch Natalie is just fucking awful! Chris wants to get back there! Lynn’s limb manipulation! Rob is right about walkaround milk, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Also, shameless plug! Bob’s daughter Ilijana’s short film, A Trip To Lua, is streaming for free on Youtube.
This week, we answer Slow Drip’s request, and take on Hobgoblins! Rob has technical difficulties and melts down! Chris makes an “impastable” assertion! Bob stumps us with Fact or No Fact! This is one for the ages.
Let’s go!
A garish & grimy Gremlins grift has got growling goblinoids grabbing a geeky goober, his grimacing girlfriend, a goony gabagool guzzler, his go-to good-time go-go girl and their girly goofball gal-pal! Co-host crackhouse queries! Pussies get no snussy! Army man, the two-pump chump! Mind controlled phone-sex fuckboi, the dialup dick tickler! Chris’ profound take on unwatchable stagnant views! Club scum and the buckets of… ! Tit scope primers! Lackadaisical light lore, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Here's the mail, it never fails, except when Dustyn suggests Teen Witch, upon which we'll rail!
Saddle up, fuckers! It's time to get witchy!
Teenage trick teaser taken with a twenty something turns tempered terrain into twenties, a tot into a terrier, a toad into a tonic, and a teacher into a topless trouser twirler! The Paranormal Porkies that could have been! Fudge brother diary smudging! Sticky but fascinating classroom jabbing! Marcia Wallace! Cycle sulking on the way to an eccentric seer! Sparky Sperm and Edna the Egg! Brad Fonzies a Coke machine! Drivin’ through the fog like a hog with a hardon! Quick panic puppy bath! What happened to the apron? First-timer fuck shacks! Second-timer sex boats, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Email us, you cowards!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we continue to dig deep into our mailbag with Kayla's suggestion, Jupiter Ascending... or as we like to call it, “Stupider Unending.” This was really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Like super bad. Not like the movie, Superbad, which is actually kinda good, but like actually super, duper bad.
What have we done?
Jupiter Jones joins a journey jonesing for genetic justice, just after Jupiter jettisons her juvenile jam! Insignificant integrity! Human goo mining! Realigning the quantum chi! Twin Tower trauma triggers! Dropping the jizz jar! Joop’s majestic powers of deduction! Vocal fry until we die! Blasting lycanthrope ropes! Canine cock! More rejuvenating jelly! Mutt mallet? Mister Whispers, the badboy brother! Gary "Oldham," and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Don't forget that this is our mailbag season, so email us you cowards!
This week, we get into Freddy Got Fingered; a film that Rob gives too much credit while Chris and Bob wish death on him. We’re kicking off our 24th season: new(ish format), new bumpers, and, most importantly, we’re digging into the mailbag. Big shoutout to Midge from Glasgow, Scotland for this request. We’re worse off for it, and for that we thank you!
Let's just go ahead and fuck this duck, shall we?
Green gives us Gord, goes for grossout gags, gets the gimpy girl, garners gonorrhea from a galloping gelding, and gains garnishments via goofy graphics! Fists full of horse cock! Japan four? Shins of sin! Bob’s bulge is back! Casual bestiality! Umbilical impropriety! Bamboo Blondes! Veggie blowjays? Wanton destruction of private property (again!)! Rip Torn’s butthole! Fist full of elephant cock this time! Chris riding Rob's coattails! Unexpected Gymkata drops, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We’re digging into the mailbag this season, so email us you cowards! Thanks again, Midge!
Good movie week. Alien! Starring the only person on Earth named Sigourney. What a flick! What a legacy! Too bad all the other ones mark a slow decline. We hear the new series is great though. But this is a movie podcast, and we only talk about those things as we dissect them with our state-of-the-art equipment.
This one’s great though!
Ridley renders a rival ‘restrial, who raids and rumbles relentlessly until Ripley, racked with revenge, releases the rival to ruthless reentry. Alien deepthroat sessions! Face hugging leads to face fucking! Chest ‘splosies! Snake skin duct dangles! Impatiently throbbing eggs! Points deducted for Pipe Logic (™) nightmares, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
Starting our mailbag season next week.
Drop us a line: www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we close out our sequel season with The Crow: Wicked Prayer, starring John Connor cosplaying as Harry Potter cosplaying as Robert Smith if he were a Native American … or something. Rob watched every single crow sequel and reboot in preparation for this episode, and for the sole purpose of defending one of the best revenge thrillers of all time.
We once covered the OG Crow movie during good movie week, and maybe Chris will finally come around and realize how it’s a cinematic masterpiece, unlike Wicked Prayer which is just a fart in your gas pump. Bob is sick, so email him a lozenge or something. He’s gonna need it after this one.
Yelling:
Convict coerces convicts to carve, kill, and clobber, creating chaos in the community, while the curse comeback crow causes counterstrike calamity and crushes killer cunty cretins. Gratuitous textposition! Gasoline freezer fire?! Chris’ alcohol and Fruit Loop sex dungeon! Broad daylight wedding rape? Dennis Hopper jive talk! Emergency rain dance surgery, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Universal Soldier: The Return, which is really the fourth film in the series, but a direct sequel to the first one. Rob and Chris think it’s an improvement from the first installment, but Bob begs to differ. As long as JCVD hits his contractually obligated slow-mo roundhouse kick quota, all is right with the world.
Here we go!
Seth surmises scientific sabotage, so surprises suits and soldiers with siege and slaughter, but is subsequently squelched in a standoff with a sprout! Disappointing lack of JCVD’s ass! Tree titty tie ups! Lookin’ at the wrong twins! The noggin toboggan/Goldberg Rosebud (™)! Supercomputer UNISOL assembly lines! Rocketing into the nether realm! Brain-operating laser inconsistencies! Unconsenting zombie slaughter, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Gearing up for an entire season of listener requests.
Email us, you cowards!
Environmental romantic thriller horror time as we dive into Birdemic 2: The Resurrection!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Giant Jumbo Jellyfish jabs Jezebel just as Generic Joes and Josephines join to jab and jeopardize jay-like jumbo-jet sized jackdaws! Tit-scope triplets get totaled! Abhorrent audio and acting! Crows kill cavemen mid CaveHub(™) climax! Rod's rotten cod kills a kid! Rope-along Miata road head drive ‘n slide?! Big-lib Propaganda Bob! Chris’ poopin’ and doomin’! Breen by proxy?! The “didn’t make it” pile, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
You knew you’d eventually see us cover Ernest Goes to Africa, and the day of reckoning is upon us! Surprisingly, this ISN’T the most problematic movie we’ve covered on the pod, but it’s definitely up there. However! Jim Varney was such an all around good guy and wholesome figure, we’re kinda willing to give him a pass on this one.
Know what we mean, Vern?
Yucky yokel yanks a yoke to yield a yo yo, yelps and yowls, and yearns for a younger yenta! Wildly waving your wood in a crowd! Gerald Foghorn?! Grinding your goldfish in a garbage disposal! Bazoo with his big old kazoo! Pre-rape rituals? 10% Charlie?! Lack of eggshell continuity! Deserved dialect disambiguation! Wrangling what dangles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!!!
This week, we continue our sequel season with Tooth Fairy 2; a direct-to-video clusterfuck of recycled jokes that nobody asked for. This is truly the turd of the ages. We’d hardly call it a movie, but it clocks in at about 90 minutes and attempts to tell a story, so here we are.
Let’s Get ‘Er Doneeeeeee!
Repugnant redneck raids rugrats rooms for roots, remitting rewards, and ruining a romantic relationship! Bob goes hard on the Rs! Automobile auction adultery announcements! Beauregard with no regard for being locked up on that man’s pussy! Brooke n’ Big Boy’s BBQ blblblblbl! Larry the Cable Guy remembering the memory he doesn’t remember! Biting off Bubba’s gumption! Ass-first Fairy Land arrival! Why are birds awake, it’s twelve o’clock?! 18 creamie weemies! Bob only has 5 minutes to yank one out, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we slither our way through our sequel season with Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; a movie that so aggressively undermines its own premise within the first five minutes of run time that it's actually impressive. We don’t know how we ended up here, and we’re certainly not happy about it.
Let’s yell it out now!
Pharma finds flowers for furthering folk’s function, forcing friends and foes to forage the forest for fauna, unfortunately, a forked tongue and fangs force fatalities and form a franchise! Snake-centered gloryholes! Hollywashing the premise! Tropical tropes on tap! Keeping a capuchin in your closet! Bushwacking for booty! Face-down open casket. Unquaffable waterfall hair? Gyrating sex balls! The Jungle Jack Smash! Unconsenting stock options, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!