LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

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LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW

78 episodes

1 week ago

Send us a text This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favori...

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Self-Improvement,

Health & Fitness,

All content for LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life is the property of Jerry Sander, LCSW & Kristy Gaisford, LCSW and is served directly from their servers with no modification, redirects, or rehosting. The podcast is not affiliated with or endorsed by Podjoint in any way.

Send us a text This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favori...

Show more...

Self-Improvement,

Health & Fitness,

Episodes (20/78)

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Bad Couples Therapy

Send us a text This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favori...

1 week ago

53 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Are You Curious About Yourself?

Send us a text After having previously considered how curiousity functions in a relationship, Kristy and Jerry take a look at how it also influences us as individuals, over our lifespans.

2 months ago

37 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Are You Curious About Your Partner?

Send us a text After a summer hiatus, Jerry & Kristy are back, talking about the curiosities -- or lack of curiosities -- we have about our partners. How does this affect intimacy? Long-term relationship habits can work to erode spontaneity, a sense of discovery and wonder and all the good stuff that was there in the beginning. Can curiosity be restored??? YES, and at any point in the life span of your relationship.

3 months ago

38 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Controlling Your Partner

Send us a text Jerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway? An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated.

7 months ago

40 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

When You're Both Avoidant

Send us a text So what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat."

8 months ago

31 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Seek First to Understand

Send us a text Identifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy and Jerry consider how the search for understanding of "the other" usually presents itself -- either in its presence or its absence and show you how this often breaks out in fights. Alternatives are identified and practiced.

8 months ago

41 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

That Third Day of Vacation Fight

Send us a text You finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most couples? What explains it? And what could help things be better?

9 months ago

34 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

The Space Between Our Two Realities

Send us a text Sometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner.

10 months ago

33 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

New Beginnings With the Same (Old) Partner?

Send us a text Is it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner.

10 months ago

30 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

The Long Ride Home After Couples Therapy

Send us a text Triumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event.

1 year ago

26 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing

Send us a text In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety th...

1 year ago

46 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Send us a text In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively...

1 year ago

36 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

How To Use Therapy

Send us a text Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.

1 year ago

35 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Making the Most of Your Time Together

Send us a text It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health.

1 year ago

45 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Diagnosing Your Partner

Send us a text The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....

1 year ago

32 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Send us a text Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.

1 year ago

1 hour 9 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Send us a text Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified.

1 year ago

43 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Patriarchy In Our Relationships

Send us a text Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.

1 year ago

42 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed

Send us a text You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair.

1 year ago

32 minutes

LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life

Send us a text What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.

1 year ago

46 minutes