For survivors of abuse trust can be so hard.
Our trust has been broken by what has happened to us.
But trust is so important all of our connections, it is the foundation of having healthy relationships.
This can be one of the main reasons that survivors of abuse have such a hard time in relationships.
We are all meant to be in relationships with others but if we can't trust anyone else because of what happened to us how can we find it in ourselves to become vulnerable enough to trust?
What we say to our children can be so important.
It is important to be aware of the effect of the language that we use when we talk to children, especially when we are discussing difficult issues like abuse.
It can make all the difference in their life when they know that they can discuss anything with us.
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Why do we slow down to pass accidents?
Why are we drawn to scary movies?
Are we sick and disturbed if we watch those awful flicks that have graphic violence and gore?
Is there something else that drives us to be fascinated by shocking stories?
Should we be ashamed to admit that we get a thrill from scary movies and true crime stories?
I know that I have often been drawn to the morbid and disturbing but now that I know that there are reasons that they are fascinating to me for reasons that I didn't understand before, i don't feel ashamed to admit that I get a kick out watching .
This time of year it is easy to get too busy to slow down and appreciate the moments that bring us awe and wonder.
That is why it can be so important to take the time to relish that sense of awe that can fill us up and give us something to hold on to when we get overwhelmed
As survivors of abuse the holidays can be a really difficult time to get through and that sense of wonder can bring that feeling of innocence.
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What does retribution mean to a survivor of abuse?
Is it even possible to make up for what happened?
Does retribution make any difference?
These hard questions are not the most important point, what really matters is if retribution helps a survivor with the healing process.
Because what really matters is how we get to a place of healing.
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We all love the Holidays
Well maybe not all of us, maybe not all the time.
For survivors of abuse the Holidays can be hard.
Going home can mean going back to the place that the abuse happened.
Or seeing the person that abused us.
Our family might not have been there to support us and might expect us to just get over it.
There can be many triggers for survivors during the Holidays.
So how can you take care of yourself and have a Healthy Holiday?
For many survivors that can mean setting boundaries, having a plan for when you're triggered, or arranging to have a safe person with you to turn to for help.
It's important to remember that it's not up to you to make sure that everyone else has a happy holiday, but it is up to you to make sure that you can have a Healthy Holiday.
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One of the lessons that we have learned from doing this podcast is how important it has been to have a community of other survivors to share life with.
We are meant to be in community, we are made to be social and share ourselves.
As survivors of abuse to be in a community with other survivors is so helpful to have someone who understands what we are going through and helps us not to feel alone.
This has been so impactful in our lives since we started doing this, and we know it makes a difference in how we feel about ourselves.
It is also so humbling to come alongside someone else who is going through this and be there for them.
As a survivor of abuse who can we look up to for role models?
This is a problem for survivors because there are so few positive portrayals of survivors in media.
Often survivors are either victims or perpetrators, but they aren't represented positively.
As survivors of abuse the way we can change this is by being a role model ourselves and talking about what happened to us and how we are getting through it.
By doing that we can be the role model that other survivors can look up to and get inspiration from.
It's up to all of us. We can be the inspiration.
Such a fun topic, repulsion and revulsion.
It's the instinctive reaction we all have to some stuff, like rats or spiders, and the way that we think about certain things.
Like sexual abuse.
We can't help it, it's a repulsive topic but as survivors sometimes we must talk about it.
But it is the act that is repulsive and the perpetrator that is revolting, not the survivor.
That is important to remember, what happened to us was repulsive but that doesn't mean that we are.
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What happens when you embrace your triggers?
As survivors of abuse we often have many things that can trigger a reaction, some of them that we aren't even aware of.
The first step in embracing our triggers is to recognize what they are.
Then we can understand why they are triggering us and acknowledge what that came from.
That helps us to embrace why we have triggers and how they were a part of how we survived and how that was important to us then.
Once you recognize your triggers and understand why you have them you can begin to learn how to react to them differently so they don't control your behavior.
So by embracing your triggers you can regain control over how you react to them.
This May in Illinois the states attorney general found that more than 450 Catholic clergy abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950.Revealing that the problem was far worse than had been reported by the Church.He also stated that those abusers "will never see justice in a legal sense" since the statute of limitations has expired for most of those cases.Where is the outrage?The laws need to be changed for there to be justice and if there is going to be any deterrence for these crimes.No Longer AshamedNo Longer Ashamed FBbolgerkevin15@gmail.com
Exposure to pornography when you are too young can be traumatic.
To give a child pornography is abusive and can have life long affects on them.
This can lead to addiction to porn which can destroy their lives.
Sexual content is so easy to find and it is becoming normalized in every day life.
We have to be more careful about what our children are exposed to and teaching them why it is important to avoid the destruction that pornography can have in their lives.
BolgerKevin15@gmail.com
This week we have our friends Mike Chapman and Daniel Eichelberger on as guests for our panel about reporting your abuse to the authorities.
Both of our guests have had very different experiences with reporting and they share what it was like for them.
This is a difficult subject for survivors of abuse because it can be so hard to report because it can feel like being re-traumatized.
Because the authorities - whether it is the police, or Clergy or whomever, often have to ask such personal information it can feel like a violation.
However it is so important to report for so many reasons and it can mean that one child could be saved from abuse.
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When Beth was growing up she wanted what she saw that the other kids had - a loving relationship with their parents.
But she knew that her mother couldn't be there for her and her father could not be trusted.
She ended up with resentment and self hatred that she has had to overcome and has lead to much of the hardship in her life.
In the time that we have known Beth we have watched her growth as she has addressed these issues and she has arrived in the place where she agreed to share with us on the podcast what that process has been like.
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We first interviewed Daniel Eichelberger back in November of 2022.
He is the author of the blog "These Ashes, Reflections of Hope in the aftermath of male childhood sexual abuse".
in these past couple of years he and his wife have been busy with fostering children and are preparing to adopt the baby boy that they have been fostering since he was three days old.
We catch up with him on how it has been for him since he first shared his story with us back in episode 56.
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Is it possible to have the Serenity to accept the things we cannot change?
Is it possible to Heal without having that Serenity?
These are hard questions for a Survivor of Abuse.
But they are very important to realize that we cannot avoid them.
We cannot change what has happened to us, but we can change our narrative of how we talk about it.
In episodes 162 and 163 we talked about Ethan Krosses book "Chatter" and how to manage your inner voice.
Now we want to talk about his book "Shift: Managing Your Emotions - So They Don't Manage You"
We were introduced to his book when we listened to the podcast "Hidden Brain" episode: How to Harness Your Feelings.
For survivors of abuse being able to manage your emotions in a healthy way can be one of the most important skills to have - especially when dealing with the issues from being a survivor.
We have found that the techniques that he recommends for managing your emotions are very helpful and are easy to learn.
We are re - posting this episode because there was a mistake we made the first time so we have corrected it.
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So here we are coming up on our 5th year of doing this podcast and we are still learning!
This has been an amazing process and one of the most amazing things that we have learned is that for survivors of abuse the process doesn't end - but it can get better and easier.
That doesn't mean that is always better or easy, but that as we learn more about ourselves and about our issues than we can have epiphanies that are exciting and transformational.
These epiphanies come from self awareness and if there is one thing that we care about it is awareness, being aware of your issues, being aware of the lies that you were taught about yourself as a survivor, being aware that you are not alone and that you don't have to face your struggles by yourself.
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Last week we talked about Ethan Krosses book "Chatter" and how so much of it applies to survivors of abuse and the methods that are useful to understand and control chatter in our lives.
This week we take another look at chatter and how we can help others with their issues with their chatter and how we can receive help from others with our own chatter.
This issue of chatter can be so pervasive and intrusive for survivors of abuse since we are often taught lies by the perpetrators that have long lasting affects in our lives and lead to negative chatter that can be overwhelming.
If you enjoyed these episodes we highly recommend you read the book "Chatter" by Ethan Kross, and his other book "Shift" about managing emotions, that we plan to discuss in an upcoming episode.
We also would like to recommend the podcast "Hidden Brain" with the host Shankar Vedantam which has been a great source of information and inspiration to us.
Chatter is about that voice in our head that can sometimes become that static that interrupts everything and takes us over for awhile
"Chatter" is the title of the book by Ethan Kross that I actually discovered when listening to "Hidden Brain" the podcast by Shankar Vedantam episode "How to Harness Your Feelings" about Ethan Krosses book "Shift"
When I researched the title "Chatter" I realized that I really was interested in this topic because it is so relevant for anyone who is a survivor of abuse because that chatter from our inner voice can sometimes be so overwhelming
What the book talks about is how to use your inner voice to produce positive results in your life and have hope
We highly recommend both of these books by Ethan Kross and hope that you will try these methods to understand your inner voice