There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us?
In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for uncovering what we genuinely want. We share personal experiences and tips that can help you reconnect with your desires and use them to create a more fulfilling life.
Here’s what we’re covering:
— How disappointment can serve as a powerful compass pointing toward what we truly want
— The crucial difference between what we genuinely want and what we think we should want
— Why some of us struggle to identify our desires due to childhood experiences, birth order, or cultural conditioning
— How to distinguish between assumptions about what will happen versus actual desires
— The power of using envy and "justice jealousy" as indicators of our deeper wants
— Practical techniques for accessing your imagination when you feel stuck or disconnected from your desires
— Why constraints can sometimes help us identify what we want more clearly than complete freedom
— How different personality types approach the process of wanting differently
— The concept that "desire desires desire" and how the gap between wanting and having creates energy
— Strategies for working with the tendency to lose interest once we obtain what we thought we wanted
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Jessica Fern's book Polysecure
— Our episode on Justice Jealousy
— Unruly: Our agreements lab for unconventional relationships
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.
The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit for you. We challenge the assumption that non-monogamy must be inherently harder than monogamy and offer practical insights for creating more sustainable, grounded relationships.
We’re breaking down:
— The difference between "easy" and "easeful" in relationships
— How we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and why that keeps us locked in drama cycles
— The ways we unconsciously validate our non-monogamy by staying in turbulence and conflict
— Why the premise that "monogamy is easier" is a harmful myth that keeps us stuck
— How our nervous system awareness directly impacts our capacity for easeful relationships
— The drama triangle and how it keeps us locked in unhealthy patterns
— The importance of making implicit expectations explicit through clear agreements
— Creating micro-spaces for reconnection and communication in your relationships
— Why familiar patterns will win out over healthy ones (and what to do about it)
— How to identify what a week of calm, fulfilling polyamory would look like for you
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Our Drama Triangle episode
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.
Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you can use to build resilience and reconnect with your "why" – without burning yourself out in the process.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The difference between persisting through growth versus persisting through unnecessary pain
— How to assess whether you're genuinely at capacity or just expecting things to be easier than they realistically can be
— The importance of checking your actual capacity across different domains of life (physical, emotional, social)
— Practical ways to recognize your personal "tells" when you're becoming dysregulated
— Why the stories we tell ourselves about our exhaustion matter just as much as the exhaustion itself
— Building nervous system regulation skills to help manage relationship challenges
— The value of making meaning from difficulties rather than just trying to eliminate them
— Why it's impossible to "go back" to not knowing about relationship possibilities once you've started exploring them
— How the skills you're developing through non-monogamy benefit your growth regardless of your relationship structure
— The importance of community support when navigating relationship challenges
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Normalizing Non-Monogamy's community resources
— Marion Woodman's The Ravaged Bridegroom
— Andrea Zanin's Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond
Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.
We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate new relationship dynamics into established traditions. The good news is that it does get better with time, especially as you learn what works and what doesn't for your unique situation.
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why holidays act as amplifiers for both joy and challenges in non-monogamous relationships
— The importance of documenting what works and doesn't work during your holiday season so you can make adjustments next year
— How to handle being at different levels of "outness" with different family members during holiday gatherings
— The additional stress that falls on people in "hinge" positions who are trying to balance multiple partners' needs and expectations
— Why non-monogamy often becomes the scapegoat for holiday stress (when holidays have always been complicated!)
— Practical strategies for redistributing emotional labor during the holidays
— The value of scheduling regular check-ins with partners during high-stress holiday periods
— How to identify and honor what brings you joy during the holidays rather than just following traditions out of obligation
— The importance of prioritizing relationships over holiday perfection
— Why reimagining holiday traditions can be a powerful opportunity to align your celebrations with your values
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Our episode on learning how to spend time together as a polycule
Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.
The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy
— Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration
— How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working
— The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy
— Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges
— The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down
— How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions
— The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling
— Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships
— The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules
— How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relating
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Free Nervous System Regulation Training
— Trauma Rewired podcast hosted by Jennifer Wallace
— Unruly: An Agreements Lab workshop for creating flexible, resilient agreements
— Our free Repair Skills Videos
Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts!
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.
Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships
— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners
— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities
— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences
— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness
— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility
— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships
— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships
— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships
— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy
— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy
— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness
— Our episode on weasel words
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.
We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our attention. But there’s so much you can do to make peace with these feelings. This episode will help you to re-ground into your reasons for being poly, and find practical tips for re-energizing and recovering from overwhelm.
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why it's normal to feel overwhelmed by the constant self-work required in non-monogamous relationships
— The importance of connecting to your "poly why"—your personal values and reasons for choosing this path
— How entitlement can secretly undermine our experiences when things feel asymmetric or unfair
— Why community support is crucial when navigating difficult emotions (and what to do if you don't have access to community)
— The value of self-expression through writing, art, or other creative outlets when processing challenging feelings
— How to recognize when you're falling into the "martyr" or "hero" archetype in your relationships
— The difference between dating for genuine connection versus dating to "balance the scales" when your partner is having more fun than you
— Why celebrating your milestones and growth—even the seemingly small ones—is essential for sustainability
— The importance of acknowledging that asymmetry is normal in relationships, and "balance" may not be the right goal
— How to reconnect with pride in your journey of unpacking the ownership model of relationships
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Our PWF episode about finding compatible partners
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!
This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, self-criticism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, the tools and insights shared in this conversation can help you build more authentic connections with yourself and others.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What the "shame triangle" is and how it operates within us
— How shame narratives are inherited from family, culture, and society rather than being personal flaws
— The ways our inner critic can transform into an inner coach with more supportive messaging
— How our "escaper" behaviors (like perfectionism, numbing out, or overworking) can evolve into inner nurturers
— The connection between attachment styles and our preferred escape strategies
— Why addressing our shame triangle is essential for authentic living rather than just surviving
— Practical ways to recognize when you're caught in the shame triangle during interactions with partners
— How to create a shared language around shame that can deepen intimacy and understanding
— The importance of differentiating between raw emotional experiences and the shame stories we tell about them
— How this work can help break cycles of intergenerational trauma
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Jessica and David's new book: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work (out October 31st)
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.
A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions scheduled with Dr. Joli! That's because these moments, when handled poorly, can turn what could be positive experiences into sources of conflict and disconnection. But with some thoughtful planning and self-awareness, transitions can actually become opportunities for deeper intimacy.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What relationship transitions actually are (they're more than just coming and going!)
— Why the "grinding" day-to-day moments can either build you up or wear you down
— The importance of acknowledging your own transition style—are you a "fast shifter" or a "slow shifter"?
— Why it's okay to be "high maintenance" about your transition needs (and why pretending you don't have needs only makes things worse)
— How to create simple but effective transition rituals that don't have to be complicated to work
— Why compromise in transition planning doesn't necessarily mean "splitting the difference"
— The critical difference between reconnection and debriefing (and why mixing them can lead to problems)
— How to handle the "last bit of time" before reunion, which is often the hardest part for the person at home
— The unique challenges of managing transitions in long-distance relationships
— Why the fear of being "too needy" can actually prevent us from creating the transition support we really need
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?
These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default monogamy script that society provides. The good news is that with some preparation and self-awareness, we can create meaningful experiences together while honoring everyone's boundaries.
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why approaching polycule gatherings as "experiments" rather than perfect events or potential disasters creates a healthier mindset
— The importance of having intentional conversations before spending time together in shared spaces
— How to handle introductions, labels, and public displays of affection when cultural scripts don't exist for your relationship structure
— Creating personal "self-rescue plans" for moments when you feel excluded or uncomfortable in group settings
— The value of separating reconnection, aftercare, and debriefing after shared experiences
— Why some people feel energized by challenging social norms while others find it uncomfortable
— How to navigate situations where some partners are "out" and others aren't
— The emotional impact of feeling like someone's "secret" and how different people respond to various levels of relationship visibility
— Why processing time varies between individuals
— The importance of community support when navigating relationships outside mainstream norms
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Self-regulation skills training available on YouTube
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?
Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic connections across every aspect of our lives. We aren’t just talking romance here–relationship anarchy is about reimagining all your relationships by examining and dismantling their power structures.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What relationship anarchy really means:
— How relationship anarchy connects to political anarchist values of self-governance and community care
— Why relationship anarchy isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships but applies to all connections in our lives
— The difference between "power over" dynamics versus conscious stratification of relationships
— How to recognize when you're using hierarchy as a safety mechanism rather than as an intentional choice
— The challenge of moving away from obligation-based relationships toward mutuality and choice
— Why commitment looks different in relationship anarchy
— The revolutionary feeling of knowing someone chooses to be with you when they have complete freedom not to
— How to begin practicing relationship anarchy by first recognizing all the relationships you already have
— The importance of community in providing multiple sources of love and support
— Why relationship anarchy requires ongoing consciousness about power dynamics in all areas of life
— How to navigate the reality of finite time and energy without defaulting to unconscious hierarchies
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Modern Anarchy Podcast, hosted by Dr. Nicole Thompson
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?
Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture survivor to certified holistic sexuality educator. Her story of transformation—from wearing a purity ring and teaching "Ladies in Waiting" Bible studies to becoming an embodied intimacy coach—shows us that liberation is possible, even after deep indoctrination.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What purity culture actually is and how it manifests
— The subtle ways purity culture shows up even for those who weren't raised in religious households
— Lauren's personal experience with purity culture, including her first marriage to a man who later came out as gay
— How pleasure became the pathway to Lauren's deconstruction and healing
— The challenges of exploring sexuality after leaving purity culture behind
— The resurgence of purity culture concepts in modern movements like "trad wife" culture and certain wellness spaces
— A powerful exercise for examining your own beliefs about sex, relationships, and pleasure
— How questioning our inherited beliefs about sexuality can lead to greater authenticity and joy
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The documentary Give Me Sex, Jesus
— Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson
— The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.
In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings.
We’re breaking down:
— What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy
— Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring
— The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict
— How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine
— Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase
— Creative practices for working with opposing forces
— How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts
— The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension
— Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comes
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13
— Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the Psyche
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?
Reassurance in relationships isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. It's an ongoing practice that requires attunement, flexibility, and a deep understanding of your partner's unique needs.
In this episode, we talk about:
— What reassurance really means: actions, words, and engagement that serve to ease someone's doubts and fears (without guaranteeing those fears will disappear)
— Why reassurance needs change based on context, trauma history, and how "full" your threat bucket already is
— The essential ingredients for effective reassurance
— Why the desire to make everything "fair" in relationships often comes from our wounded parts seeking safety and control
— How to ask for specific reassurance: "Can you wrap your arms around me right here and tell me these exact words?"
— The challenge of offering reassurance when it conflicts with your values or agreements (like canceling dates with others)
— Why some people resist offering ongoing reassurance and what that might mean for the relationship
— The possibility of reimagining relationship structures when reassurance needs aren't being met
— How our "child parts" often drive our reassurance needs, and why acknowledging this can help us make more aligned requests
— The difference between true reciprocity and transactional "fairness"
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The Imago Dialogue episode
— Robin Wall Kimmerer's book Braiding Sweetgrass
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.
Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The difference between high context communication (relying on implicit messages, non-verbal cues, and shared knowledge) and low context communication (explicit, direct statements with less room for interpretation)
— Why these aren't fixed personality traits but rather strategies we can learn and adapt
— How our upbringing shapes our communication preferences (Joli was raised in a low context household but developed high context skills for safety, while Ken was raised in high context but never felt he mastered it)
— The healing that can happen when partners understand and adapt to each other's communication needs
— Why opening up relationships often requires a shift toward more explicit communication as the context changes
— How to navigate the frustration that can arise when communication styles clash (like during special events or anniversaries)
— The importance of having meta-conversations about how you communicate when you're in a "cool state," not in the middle of conflict
— Why communication patterns aren't static—they evolve over time as relationships deepen and partners learn each other's cues
— The safety component of communication styles and how different approaches can make people feel secure or insecure
— Why neither style is inherently better—both have their place in healthy relationships
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Edward Hall's anthropological theory on high context and low context communication
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.
They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to your relationship structure. Their journey shows us that opening a relationship doesn't have to be impulsive or chaotic—it can be thoughtful, intentional, and deeply rewarding at any stage of life.
In this episode, we talk about:
— How becoming empty nesters created space for Bill and Laura to explore "something more expansive" in their relationship
— The importance of unlearning social conditioning and stepping off the "relationship escalator" (the traditional path of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and then... what?)
— Why the process of "unenmeshing" from each other was crucial to their journey and how they practiced it in everyday ways
— The challenge of moving from theoretical knowledge to real-world experiences when Bill spontaneously met someone "in the wild"
— How they navigated their first big emotional hurdle when Laura had a "freak out" and Bill initially tried to fix it by stopping what he was doing
— The rejuvenating effect that opening up has had on their relationship in their 50s, challenging the notion that non-monogamy is "just for young people"
— The value of taking things slowly and allowing each person to move at their own pace
— How they've become more individuated while maintaining a deep connection with each other
— The ongoing process of working with difficult emotions like jealousy and envy rather than expecting them to disappear
— Why connecting with community and seeing others model different relationship styles was crucial to their growth
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.
This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that relationships should involve a certain level of enmeshment, where "we" becomes more important than the individual "I" and "you."
Opening up invites us to examine this balance between togetherness and individuality in ways we might never have considered before. It's not just about adding new partners—it's about discovering parts of ourselves and our existing relationships that have been hidden beneath the surface.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The difference between healthy interconnection and unhealthy enmeshment in relationships
— Why differentiation (understanding where you end and your partner begins) is crucial for successful open relationships
— How the "matchy-matchy" game many couples play can mask important differences between partners
— The ways opening up can reveal unexamined patterns, biases, and wounds in existing relationships
— Why it takes 3-5 years to fully adjust to the paradigm shift of non-monogamy
— How new relationships can illuminate both old wounds you've experienced and ways you may have hurt your partner
— The unexpected positive surprises that can emerge when opening up (like increased sexual energy!)
— Why the unpredictability of opening up can be both challenging and rewarding
— How justice jealousy can emerge when you see your partner relating differently with someone new
— The opportunity for deep relationship repair that opening up can provide
— Why friendships can be excellent practice for developing the skills needed in open relationships
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Jessica Fern's concept of Justice Jealousy
— Dan Siegel's work on interconnection as a healthy alternative to enmeshment
— Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle.
In this episode, we talk about:
— How to recognize jealousy in your body and stay present with the physical sensations
— The importance of naming your feelings without trying to explain or fix them
— Why the urge to take immediate action during jealousy is often counterproductive
— How to practice self-compassion when jealousy feels overwhelming
— Reconnecting with your values and remembering why you chose your relationship style
— The power of bilateral tapping and other nervous system regulation techniques
— Why jealousy doesn't mean you're "doing relationships wrong"
— How to choose one small, kind step to care for yourself when jealousy is present
— The importance of not outsourcing your worth to someone else's actions
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The Jealousy Resource Center
— The Befriending Jealousy Workshop
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns?
The truth is, you can help your partner through a moment of jealousy–as long as you have the right tools. And in this episode, we’re giving them to you.
We’re breaking down:
— Why we need to normalize feeling jealousy rather than stigmatizing it
— The difference between jealousy, envy, and insecurity (they're not the same!)
— How to recognize your habitual responses when your partner experiences jealousy
— The importance of regulating yourself first before responding to your partner's jealousy
— Practical ways to signal safety without taking responsibility for your partner's emotions
— Why shame and defensiveness create disconnection during jealous moments
— The power of reflective empathy and how to practice it effectively
— Why asking your partner to feel compersion instead of jealousy is counterproductive
— How to recognize when jealousy becomes an unconscious control mechanism in relationships
— The four steps of the Jealousy Roadmap
— Why these challenging moments can actually build intimacy when handled with care
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The Befriending Jealousy Workshop
— Joli’s interview on Girl Boner Radio
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
When you've been together for years, it's easy to let your relationship run on autopilot. But what happens when you need to reconnect, especially after a difficult period? In this episode, we share our personal journey of creating an intentional retreat to nurture our established relationship after 18 months of significant changes and challenges.
We believe that established relationships deserve just as much intentional care as new ones—maybe even more so! The routines and patterns that develop over time can either support your connection or slowly erode it. By creating a specific container for reconnection, we discovered a renewed sense of love and appreciation for each other that surprised even us.
We’re breaking down:
— How we created a 5-day retreat to nurture our established relationship energy
— The power of using a Minimum Viable Agreement (MVA) to create clear expectations and boundaries for our time together
— Why choosing a familiar environment reduced the need for resilience and allowed us to focus on each other
— The importance of regular check-ins to stay connected without falling into hypervigilance
— How practicing differentiation (recognizing where you end and your partner begins) creates space for authentic connection
— The value of having a "parking lot" for relationship issues that need discussion but can wait
— Using regulation tools when things get emotionally challenging, especially around intimacy
— Why explicit communication is crucial for preventing resentment from unmet implicit expectations
— How repair tools like our soft safe word "marshmallow" and the apology and accountability ladder helped us navigate difficult moments
— The necessity of preparation when creating intentional relationship experiences
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— NSI (Neuro Somatic Intelligence) techniques
— The Apology and Accountability Ladder and other repair techniques
JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions