Well, here it is: this season's final episode, posted way late, but who gives a fuck?
Yes, the Roar beat the Care Bears in the season's final game--a game we didn't even bother to pod about--but we can all agree that this year was a major letdown.
Apparently, losing an All Pro center and another vet o-lineman, replaced by 2nd stringers and inexperienced rooks ... losing both coordinators ... playing a first place schedule ... again suffering a ton in injuries to the defense ... and a bunch of other shit, was just too much to overcome.
Is there reason to look forward to next year? We'll get guys back on defense, the offense is still loaded at the skill positions ... The o-line? That's the big questions, ain't it?
Anyhow, enjoy the off season, Roar Nation, as much as one can. And even thought we know the Lions will always suck (except occasionally when they don't), keep roaring!
We're back, bitches!
Once again without Deano (still in eretz Yisroel), Uncle Brother and Lomas hold forth.
UB opens with a delightful Roar parody song to the tune of Feelin' Groovy by, who else, Simon and Roarfunkle!
Lomas recounts watching the game with Little Stevie Mendelson at a Roaraholics bar in Ferndale. Highly recommended!
We both admit that, given this topsy turvy season, we apparently know very little about football. Nothing makes sense.
We marvel at the difference a week can make. Where last week the Lions sucks donkey balls on both sides of the ball, this week they looked like the juggernaut we've come to know and love.
It was a true pleasure seeing the D get after Prescock and sack him four times. It was equally pleasing to behold the offense once again look like a well-oiled machine.
We note that Dan Skipper is an unusually large man and reported in as eligible approximately 74 times during the 3rd quarter alone. Jared actually tossed him a pass, which the big lummox dropped.
Bottom line, it was fucking good to get a win.
Next up: the goddamn Lambs on the goddamn road! Who despite losing last week are balling out and arguably the best team in the league. A win, however unlikely, would obviously be huge.
We conduct a two-part roar that really explores the studio space.
And we venture into After the Roar without a plan and end up having a fascinating discussion about Afros vs. Jewfros.
Keep roaring, Roar Nation!
Another Thanksgiving day loss.
To the fucking Pecklers.
At home.
The season seems kinda lost, doesn't it?
That's what Uncle Brother and Lomas discuss, minus Deano, who's in the Holy Land with Lady Deano, aka Stargazer.
What can we say? Jared was nearly flawless. Jamo had a huge game. The running game was OK. Yet the poor People Mover is still operating at around 63%, severely limiting how high and far the offense can fly. Where have you gone, Frank Ragnow, Roar Nation turns its lonely eyes to you!
The D, meanwhile, gave up 4 passing TDs and got barely any pressure on J. Love. Like, no pressure. Guy had all day back there, all kinds of time. Nothing but time.
And so ... We're left, as always, wondering why we care so damn much. And lament the fact that the Roar MUST always play on Thanksgiving, guaranteeing that the holiday will suck, at least football-wise.
And next we're on to the Cockboys, who've been playing well and have back to back wins over last year's Superbowl contestants. What could go wrong?
We're still roaring, Roar Nation. But barely.
What can we say?
Deano and Lomas pod together from the D suburbs. Uncle Bruv watched only the last moments of the game plus overtime.
And we agree that while a win is always good, the Roar look to be in serious trouble on both sides of the ball.
Sun God continues to drop passes.
Jared is very shakey under pressure
The People Mover is not what it once was.
The D line got very little pressure (although Hutch did end the game with a sack and had a bunch of QB hits, apparently).
The secondary left guys WIDE open.
The lone bright spot, of course, was Sonic, a one-man ROAR who has officially become one of the most explosive guys in the league. Maybe the MOST explosive.
The other lone bright spot was Master Bates nailing a 59-yarder to send the game into overtime.
Bottom line, we were supposed to demolish the Giant Donkey Balls, but for most of the game it felt like SOL.
The Roar still have not lost twice in a row since they started winning ... But things seem headed in the wrong direction.
At least the Pistons are kicking ass!
Anyhow, here's hoping the Lions find a way to beat the Pecklers on Roargiving (or ThanksGibbsing, if you please), so as to not ruin the holiday.
Roar?
The Roargasm crew is back in full force to mourn the Lion's pathetic showing against the Sheaguls.
Was this just one of those games on the road against the best D in the league? Or did it expose the Roar as a very good but not great team that can't really compete against elite defenses?
The Sheaguls D did not sleep on Jared. Instead, they pressured him all game and knocked him around, resulting in J's worst performance in the DC winning era.
D.C.'s game-calling magic sputtered, going 0-5 on 4th down conversions.
The fake punt went nowhere.
The PA call against the Roar at the end was total nonsense
A few silver linings:
--The Lions D played well (although the Sheaguls offense looked weak)
--No team looks totally dominant right now
--There's still time to figure shit out
--Uncle Brother busted out a beautiful song parody, digging deep into the Simon and Roarfunkle songbook
--Jamo was a good boy and gave the goalpost a nice hug
We're at home next week against the Giant Donkey Balls, and we fully expect the Roar to take our their frustration and run up the score. Here's hoping.
Stay strong, roar nation. Never stop roaring!
I, Impossible Lomas, was not present for the recording of this episode, and I haven't listened to it yet, so I have no idea what kind of nonsense Uncle Brother and Deano got into. But rest assured it's silly and dead serious; absurd and insightful; probably involves at least one song parody and several bizarre tangents.
And I assume there's at least some discussion of the Lions vengeful beatdown of the Cockmanders, who have truly fallen from grace.
Anyhow, keep roaring, Roar Nation. The Lions are gonna need our collective roar power against the Sheaguls next week.
The Roar got outplayed, out-coached, and out-muscled, at home, by a team with a rookie QB.
Are we flashing back to 2014? No, unfortunately. We're talking about right now.
A few silver linings in what was otherwise a dark and dreary game and pod:
--Arnold played his best game, with an interception and end-zone pass deflection
--Only 93% of the oline is injured. The remaining 7% is ready to go!
--World Wide Dock and Big Don joined Deano in Vegas for the pod!
What else can we say? The Roar haven't lost two in a row in the D.C. era, so here's hoping they continue that run against the Cockmanders next week, who by the way got their cocks handed to them by the Cockboys/Cowgirls.
Meanwhile, the Care Bears are 5-3 and pulled off a sweet trick play! We miss Ben Johnson. Johnny Morton is on super secret special probation, until further notice and at least two trick plays.
Anyhow, let's keep roaring, Roar Nation. Even when it hurts, even when the People Mover is performing a lot like the actual People Mover, we must keep roaring!
Ever heard of Erick Hallett? Arthur Maulet? Tyrus fucking Wheat? Neither have we. Neither has anyone!
And yet these unheralded, 5th, 6th, and 7th string guys stepped up and balled out, anchoring a Roar defense that held the Phuckaneers to a measly 9 points. Never mind that the Phucks were missing most of their offensive playmakers. Don't matter! Our D roared out and shut their assess down.
Meanwhile, Sonic hit the sonic button and Gibbsploded all over the field, tearing up the Phucks legit D.
Just as impressively, Lomas and Deano step up and roar out the pod absent Uncle Brother, who abandoned his country and, more importantly, the Lions to spend time with his daughter in fucking Europe. The Netherlands, specifically, which may not be an actual country, and definitely doesn't have an NFL team or any plans to host an NFL game. Pathetic.
We also discuss:
--Whether black guys can have mullets, and if so, how?
--Assembling the world's greatest producers and recording engineers and booking out the world's greatest studios to for once properly record a harmonized roar. Zoom just ain't getting it done.
--What the hell we're gonna do during the Lions bye week ...
--A bunch of other nonsense I can't remember.
Until next time, Godspeed, Uncle Brother. And keep roaring, Roar Nation!
No roaring today, friends. For we have been laid low by a resurgent Queefs squad, whose demise was exaggerated.
Mahomes was Mahomes. Bro can play QB. Our fucked up secondary, featuring guys we have never seen before, had no chance.
The Roar offense got off to a strong start but then bogged down.
Sun God dropped a pass! I repeat, Sun God dropped a pass. We couldn't believe it. HE couldn't believe it! It was that kinda game.
Worst of all Lomastradamus's streak came to an end.
And so we resort to one of our favorite pasttimes: inserting the word "roar" into as many Simon and Roarfunkle (and solo Simon) songs as possible. We do this for a while and thoroughly enjoy it.
At least next week we're not going up against a top QB ... Oh, wait. Fuck. We're playing the Phukaneers and Baker Fuckfield, who's been on a hot streak.
Roar?
This delightful episode begins with Uncle Brother and Deano mercilessly ripping into Lomas for being 30 minutes late to start the recording. Never mind that Lomas was on a call with a very important client! Never you mind what about. Lomas has a business to run!
Anyhow, once we get past that nonsense, we celebrate the taking of Ohio! Between the Tigers vanquishing the Guardians (lame-ass name) and the Lions demolishing the Brown Stains and the Bungles/Bungholes, Ohio is now basically a post-apocalyptic territory, it's major sports teams having been laid low, its people subjugated.
We marvel at how bad the Bungles current QB is and at how it wasn't long ago that the BDC (before D.C.) Lions would have made Jake Browning look like Joe Montana. That shit used to happen on the regular. Now, we mercilessly beat the shit out of weak teams and make 3rd string QBs regret many of their life choices.
We look ahead to a road war against the Queefs next Sunday night. Lomas predicts Roar 29 - Queefs 23. And so it shall be.
Until then, keep roaring!
The most interesting thing about this mostly pedestrian win was Lomas once again predicting almost the exact score!
The Browns D is as good as advertised, and Myles Garett is a beast. But no matter. The Lions did what they had to do to move the ball and shut down the Brown's offense without too much trouble.
And so we meander through this episode. Not too much to say. Good to see Hutch rounding into form. Jared once again played mistake-free ball and got the job done. Sun God is Sun God.
And so it's on to Cinci next week, where the Roar continue their march through Ohio, leaving devastation in their wake. We're confident the Lions will humiliate the BungHoles, who are without Joe Burrow and so without hope.
Let's keep roaring!
Due to Rosh Hashanah (the least partying New Year of all New Years), we're a bit late to the game with this episode ...
But holy roaring! What an incredible victory!
Most of this episode is a blur, but we (of course) revel in the Roar's glorious road win against a really good Cravens team. What we beheld (even Deano, who got a special dispensation from Hashem to watch the game) was roarection-inducing to the nth degree. Dominant O-line play. Sonic and Knuckles galloping through gaping holes. Jared and Sun God making incredible shit look easy. A 7-sack sack-a-thon against one of the most evasive QBs of all time.
The list goes on. And on. And we keep roaring!
We look ahead to the Browns (no childish nickname needed), whose fearsome defense is real, but whatevs. We shall destroy them!
After the Roar gets truly weird, where we imagine what football would look like if animals were allowed to play. A silverback gorilla at middle linebacker ... Why not? Let's make this happen.
Keep roaring, Roar Nation!
The Roar has been restored!
All it took was a 50+ ass whipping of the hapless Care Bears, who are in serious trouble if yet another QB ends up sucking you know what. Donkey balls. Just in case you didn't know.
Deano regales us with delightful anecdotes and portraits from Ford Field, where he, World Wide Dock, and Big Don roared through the game in person.
It was delightful indeed to see the offense roar once again. Jared was lights out and not slept on. Jamo outran the world and hauled in tow massive bombs. A Gibbsplosion was witnessed. The People Mover moved people. Sun God pridefully hauled in tres tuddies.
We celebrate the Roar's first sack-a-thon, including Hutch getting on the board.
Let's all roar at John Morton, who called a great game and most assuredly relished putting up a 50+ spot against the man he replaced. Speaking of whom, we like to think that maybe BJ is just a little bit regretting leaving the Roar for the Care Bears. It's a lot harder to look like an offensive genius when your QB's got a mouth full of donkey balls.
Anyroar ... Next week we roar against the Cravens, whose offense is potent enough to dull our collective roarection. Lomas insanely picks the Roar to win ... and so they shall! ROAR!!!
In this shockingly short episode (less than an hour!) we grudgingly attempt to suss out what the fuck happened in Green Bay.
We open with a much needed return to the Serenity Prayer, followed by a sad, depressing, hapless and hopeless breakdown of the debacle that was the Roar's season opener.
The all-important o-line is a work in progress, to say the least. Sonic set a record by catching 10 passes for only 31 yards. Jared took what the Peckler's D gave him, which wasn't much. Hutch was double teamed and didn't do much. The offensive play calling felt bland and uninspired.
Good thing Week 1 doesn't mean anything, right? Right?
So fear not, fellow roaraholics. We got you. The Roar are at home next week against the Care Bears and their shiny new HC, Ben Johnson. We love BJ, but we hope after next Sunday he's seriously questioning his recent career choices.
Keep on Roaring!
Welcome to the 7th (!) season of The Roargasm!
In this pre-season episode we go completely off the rails.
Lomas gives Deano and Uncle Brother permission to kill him if, in old age, he shows signs of dementia. Which gives rise to a discussion of ways to commit suicide appropriate for roaraholics.
We work through Uncle Brother's annual pre-season speed round, discussing everything from the Roar's projected record to whether we'll finally celebrate a Bowl victory (yes!) to whether Hutch will dominate (double yes!) and a bunch of other stuff.
We end with the first roar of the season, followed by an aimless After-the Roar, featuring appearences by our alter-alter egos, the old NY Jewish ladies.
This is it, fellow roaraholics! This is our time! Let's ROAR!
As you might notice, I couldn't bring myself to include the score in this episode's title. If you're reading this, you know what happened. No need to agitate the wound.
We open the final episode of a once-glorious season with "The Wreck of Ford Field," sung to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," setting the tone for the sad discussion to follow.
There are basically two ways of looking at what happened. Either this was it, the window has closed, and the Lions missed their best chance to get to the Super Bowl.
OR ...
This was just one of those games where everything goes right for the opponent and everything goes wrong for the Roar. Not to mention the fact that our defense was staffed mostly by guys who wouldn't be playing if not for the Holocaust the swept through the starting lineup. As Winds of Fury has so wisely opined, the Roar shall return next season once again ready to rumble.
Still, this loss hurts. And now we have to wait until next season to get out from under the malaise of crushed hopes and dreams.
We'll most likely have new offensive and defensive coordinators. Next season's schedule features a gauntlet of playoff teams. And who knows which free agents will return and which shall move on?
Nevertheless, The Roargasm shall return. For now, stay strong, Roar Nation. We'll see you on the other side.
Yes, it's a bye week, but The Roargasm never rests!
We gather the Supreme Roar Council to review the wildcard games and look ahead to destroying the Cockmanders/Cuckmanderes/Commodore 64s this Saturday eve.
We reckon that at home, against a rookie QB, with as many of our guys as possible back from injury, and with the coaching brain trust given a full two weeks to cook up something special, the Roar shall triumph in overwhelming fashion
We nod sagely at the demise of the once mighty NFC North, where the Roar rightly reign supreme.
We dip into a few Simon and Roarfunkle song parodies.
We roar it out and conclude the pod with a lively After the Roar.
Let's go, Roar Nation! Let's fucking go!
ROARRRRR!
WE ARE KING IN THE NORTH!
This jubilant and chaotic episode has it all:
The one and only Fantetti beaming in from the Northwest
Deano joining from the holy city of Jerusalem!
And a full 2 hours of roarection-induced mania in the wake of the Lion's masterful and beguiling dismantling of the Viqueens to capture the NFC North title.
We spend a lot of time marveling at the resurgent D, which held to Queens to three measly field goals.
We prostate ourselves in front of the majesty of Sonic's 4 TDs.
We love Anzalone even more than we already did, which was thought to be impossible.
We send flowers to Amik Robertson, who made Justin Jefferson disappear.
And we learn, via Amik, that you can't bury what comes from the fucking dirt.
I could go on an on, but the point is, ROARRRRRRR!
The Lions are Super Bowl favorites. We have home field advantage throughout the playoffs. We have time to get guys healthy.
Let's fucking go!
With Deano in the Holy Land, we are graced by the presence of Air Low AND the newly dubbed Hairestotle, aka Lil Air, whose flowing locks are indeed a sight to behold.
We begin with a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, which came to Uncle Brother in a dream.
Air and Hair regale us with tales of their journey to Levi Stadium, a wicked place where the Roar had not won in many a season. They took full advantage of the free and bottomless concessions and felt at one with Roar Nation, which was out in full effect.
We reaffirm that the hook and ladder is NOT a trick play at this point, although we still get to marvel at how flawlessly the Lions pulled it off once again, resulting in a majestic JAMO tuddy.
We're not thrilled about our D, which gave up 34 points and a ton of yard to a diminished 69ers squad, but a win's a win, and no matter what else transpired, the Roar finish the season with a perfect road record.
We look ahead, with some foreboding, to the epic battle against the Viqueens. It's kinda insane that a 14-win team will be relegated to a wild card spot, but that's how it is when you play in the toughest division in the NFL.
That's all for now. Until next Sunday, keep roaring loud and proud!
Ben Johnson is a goddman wizard. Chaotic neutral. His powers of creative deception are off the charts. In fact, there is no chart when it comes to this man's bag of tricks.
We spend a good chunk of this pod marveling at the "stumble bumble" trick play, or whatever the hell it's called, just gobsmacked at the audacity of BJ, Jared, and Sonic to make it look like a fumble (or something) to throw the linebackers off the scent.
And when Jared rose up like a vengeful demon and tossed a perfect ball to Porta Party ... There was rejoicing throughout the land, except in Chicago, where the pig-like, sub-human people there (except for Uncle Brother, Lady Brother, and their Daughter Brothers, of course) gnashed their teeth, donned sackcloth, and covered themselves in ashes.
We also talk about other stuff, although I don't remember many details. There's some debate over what needs to happen for the Roar to claim the top seed and earn a bye. Best if they just win out.
Speaking of which, we predict the score against the 69ers, the basic point being that we have no doubt that the Roar will hold nothing back in dishing out sweet revenge against those fuckers.
This episode's After the Roar segment is sponsored by the Force Feed an Offensive Lineman Foundation (FFOLF). For only $877 a day, you can help a Lions O-lineman get the calories he needs to keep serving up pancake blocks and for Dan Skipper, in particular, to practice his route running.
Happy holidays, all you helpless Roaraholics! Let's fucking go!
ROAR!!!!!!