The Caregiver’s Christmas Song Each year at Christmas time a different hymn has special meaning to me. It’s lyrics, it’s melody, it's new singer or composition. This year is O Holy Night, for this is a caregiver’s hymn. I have streamed 75+ different singers & groups perform it this past week. It acurately captures 3 tenets of caregiving. But do you know it’s fascinating history? Have you read the actual poem that gave rise to this much-revised staple on our radios this time of year? Have you ever read it’s deep practical meanings?  Three points from this hymn have special meaning for caregivers: 1) The heart of caregiving is the soul. The human soul feels it’s worth in Christ. Jesus says we possess nothing of value compared to our soul given to us at birth. And that if we should gain this entire world during our lifetime, we will still die bankrupts in hell if we do not have our soul’s worth found in Him.  2) Your care receiver languishes in anguish. pines in pain, without you. Enslaved like a hidden brother/sister, we serve them through His law as love, and His gospel as peace. This is what we DO as caregivers--we bring love and peace. Without you, your care receiver would be dead, or at best, pining beneath the suffering of body & mind in this falling world.  3) We serve the CHRIST inside our care receiver. This is the trick. He demonstrated for us, and now teaches us, to love one another. Let all oppression cease in his name. Let all within us praise his holy name, as our knees bow to HIS worth--through our care receiver. We serve the Ideal inside, if not the real outside.   Please share your thoughts to Info@Helping.Mom  

Are your feet pretty as caregiver? What strangest verse in Bible has to do with caregiving today for your loved one.

Surviving your mom’s middle finger!

Caregivers give thanks in different ways. Jadah and Hosanna are two.

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) There are 2 layers of caregiving, one masculine the other feminine. And we need both. Which are you?  The Book of Jude First, the book or letter of Jude. If you are tired of fake formal religion, what some call Christianity in Golden Slippers, read this incredible small book, by Jesus’ half-brother (brother of James). In this letter Jude challenges real from fake faith, and tells believers to discern truth, persist in right, and accept the limitations of the weak--while serving. He tells us to practice what we preach, to focus on fruit not leaves.  Example: Jude 20-21: Build up your faith; pray; keep yourselves in love of God; practice the mercy of Christ--and of some have compassion making a difference, and others (23) save with fear, pulling the out of fire--hating the garments spotted by the flesh. The first layer of caregiving is masculine, and speaks of duty chore responsibility obligation. Sacrifice. Service. Suffering. And silence. The other is feminine: loving. Giving kind generous. Healthy. Caring. Nurture.  The masculine focus on task is found in second part of what Jude says above--to pull them out of fire, even hating what they smell like. Some people ain’t no damn good. You care for them because of who you are, not them. My sister care for a man called our dad, who hated us. He abandoned me. Even as she cared for him in his deranged old age he was awful to her and her family. He even gave her secret bank information to her ex husband so he could steal all her money. Even as she mopped up his urine off the floor of her living room because he was too lazy to walk to the bathroom.  My sister Cassie is a better Christian than me.  Caregiving is sometimes like being a prison guard. You provide the tools and structure so that if they want to help themselves they can. God blesses people through the obedience of his believing servants. 98% of caregiving is not seen; it is behind the walls.  But our highest aim is the spiritual best of our care receiver This means we pray for them. We wish their ultimate best and we see our best work as caregiver is spiritual work. Their sanity, peace, dignity, respect, fulness of humanity, spirit, mind and soul. These are the things which live forever. These are what make us human.  Caregiving is opportunity and duty. Possibility + Chore. The salient characteristic of Christianity is forgiveness, we should look continually into the mercy of Jesus. The same for our caregiving.  My chains fell off, says one old hymn, my heart was free. I rose henceforth and followed thee. We are like father in Luke 15 who amidst the many numerous tasks of caregiving still keeps one eye out for returning son--and relationship again, above all else. This focus on person is feminine.  Caregiving is tasks-within-relationship, fully masculine and fully feminine. Which do you need to work on? 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Who to hire to help you?  The difference between men and women is seen clearly when asking this question: what is the most important thing when hiring a helper for your mother?  The woman will say things like “she must be kind and generous and gracious and patient and loving and sweet and so forth." The man will respond "nonsense.  Here is what she really must be: " Someone who can take an ass chewing, be criticized, micromanaged, told what to do, how to do it.  Someone who can endure long boring stories with no purposes or points or meanings.  Someone who forgets, with absolute confidentiality. There is a reason why the king would kill everyone of the servants after 12 months of service. Someone who can shift sights quickly & often.  Someone who does their duty. This is work. Do your job. You need them to do their duty. I don’t care if they love it, have a kind heart, or are generous, sweet and kind. These are nice, but not necessary.  You need him to do their job, quietly, against all sorts of negativity, and keep their mouth shut. Confidentiality is Key.   Someone who keeps head in chaos. Dependability, the ability to keep clear head clear in times of panic. For example, if your mom falls down at the shopping mall, what is next. If the oxygen machine breaks, How to change tanks of oxygen when your mother is semi comatose.  Someone who is CPR, willing to use it.  In Terms of pay—pay him/her so much they never leave and instead volunteer to help your mom in more ways than you can pay them to do.  Would I ever hire a male? Certainly.   But I will not hire a Liberal.  Share your thoughts to Info@Helping.Mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Today we look at book by Messie Condo "Nobody Wants your [Stuff]". Please also listen to my own podcasts 32 and 33, for more info. Please also share your experiences, at info@helping.mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) 29 countries, 234 new cities now listening to helping.mom, including new friends below!    Mount Laurel, NJ Oakland, CA Helsinki, Finland  Kanasin, Yucatán  Rensselaer, IN (home of "Brian's Song"  movie, and Speaker of US House of Reps Charlie Halleck) West Lafayette, IN  My 6 goals of being caregiver for my mom:   Integrity--subjective, objective, character/competence/reliability  Context--part of whole, all of fabric, all must win for each to win  Balance--i wasnt born for this, but i am equipped for this. This tho real is not ultimate.   Courage--to learn, fail, say "i am sorry, serve without note, be honest in all directions, say "no," agree to "yes," seek best of all, tell truth, make hardest decisions possible in life  Perspective--kalidoscopic (HOW do you spell this word???) with view like fly  eyes.   Communications--intra, supra, external, to find one who will listen. 85% talk, they dont listen. Who am I a 15% to? 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Matthew 10:24-5  The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. So what does this mean? Who is He? What about Him are we to be like?  We cant be: Son of God, Saviour of World, Ruler of Heaven & Earth, Messiah, King, Judge, Creator....So how CAN we be "as him?"   We are to be caregivers  If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. But He also warns in 37-38: He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. Caregiving is Christianity. Turning other cheek. Loving enemies. Praying for those who have missed you. Giving 2nd coat/level of effort. Rejoice with those who rejoice Caregiving is a reflection of the gospel. - life - hope  - truth - value The world (culture) cares nothing of these things. The gospel provides you were created in the image of God, though in great need that you cannot meet, but must be met by sacrificial love from outside.  Your value is established in your life, but the truth is that you need help from outside to live as you were intended to live. You are body and you are spirit. Your body fails, your spirit will live forever. The ultimate goal of caregiving is the spiritual well-being of your care receiver. Second is the overall quality of life that we can provide within the context of other challenges and resource limitations. This is a shadow or taste of something greater.  Knowing someone cares (however imperfectly) takes the care receiver beyond despair. Our care and demonstrated love serves as an anchor of their soul of their own value.  That life is worth living, and it is greater than what I am going through at present. Caregiving:  love God, love others greater than yourself If you have done it unto least of these, youve done it unto me Well done, good and faithful servant J127 vs J215--doing vs talking only, real faith vs non The first will be last, the greatest the servant of all He took a cup and washed their feet His sandals I am not worthy to unlatch

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) The hardest thing to do in life is to remember God. He is gone like the morning dew in the desert of Yuma. He vanishes on way up, on way down, and in busy-ness in between. When is the last time you thought about God, for, say, more than 15-seconds straight?  What is is about caregiving that causes us to forget Him even more? Well, everything about caregiving causes us to forget Him.  A cure is Psalm 48. In it we are told we can study Him, see Him, hear Him, and experience Him--that we might then share Him with the generation that follows behind. This, I think, is key to remembering God in our daily caregiving. Experience Him, then Share Him--THEN you will remember Him. You dont learn, then do--you do, then learn. Try it!      

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Rejoice that God has given you this hard work, and He has qualified you for it.  Rejoice that His works are eternal, and your work is absorbed within His own.  Rejoice that crowns await you, fashioned by His hands to fit your head perfectly.  Rejoice your care receiver is alive, and you are here, responsible--serving.  Rejoice your kids see your example, and no one around you can argue against your silent testimony. Instead, they honor and are provoked by you to do their own good works.  Rejoice that our verbs go with us into heaven, like when we give, love, serve, care, help, assist, teach, guide, protect, schedule, cook, clean, plan, do, etc.  Please share your own joys with me at info@helping.mom 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Questions every caregiver asks vs ONE we should ask  How long is it going to last?  What is the impact of this upon me—my ____?  What changes do I need to make to ___?  Do we have enough money?  Can I do this? What if my CR ___falls, gets sick, vomits, loses mind, gets worse, becomes violent? Am I going to have to change her diapers? (Or other awful fear)  HOW awful (not is) is this going to be?  Will anyone help me?   Will we have to put into nursing home?  How do govt programs & insurance work?  Where do I go for help?  Who do I ask? Should I tell my friends? Kids?  Will my mom suffer dementia?  Why me?  Why is this so difficult? Can any good come out of this? What if i die first?  Can I do this? SEV  times  The BEST question we can ask instead: What should I do today, right now, to maximize the quality of life for my CR--within the context of all other factors?  Please share your ideas to Info@helping.mom

My take as Army Vet/caregiver: Charlie Kirk was a Cultural Caregiver to our nation, strengthening minds & hearts through speech, reason, & debate. He is why we have the 1st Amendment in our Constitution. He was murdered for his faith in Jesus Christ, and for taking the “leaven” of faith serious in his life & work. Let us as caregivers to our own loved ones serve them today in peace and hope and love—in light of the timelessness of eternity. 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Matthew 8: 5-10 Elements of US Army (indeed, of all US Military) is same as our Caregiving: MISSION  RECON SITREP RISK  PLAN OPORD COMMS Hooah!  Send ideas to Info@helping.mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Make sure you Listen to end on this podcast.  4 Mental Images of Sameness dominate our thinking: Groundhog Day Movie, Prison Cells, Chinese Water Torture, and Mouse Wheels. But let us examine these more closely.  Is it sameness we dislike so much, or something deeper?  Whatever it is, really, how can we combat it?  Please listen and share your thoughts today, at info@helping.mom 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) It’s interesting that Jesus tells us to pray. To work, yes. But to pray, why? He equates working and praying as synonymous, with no distinction to be drawn between them.  Like 2 wings on same plane. Yet we tend to gravitate toward one extreme or other.

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) This week I received a great compliment from a current customer, who said to me he hopes I keep doing what I am doing for others, so that when his kids get older I can help them too. This is nice to hear.  Tabitha was a caregiver through her acts of “good works” and Almsgiving. She was also a widow. What work(s) will survive your passing? What will you leave behind that others will be able to handle, and point to, as something unique that YOU contributed to this world? There is still time, if you havent thought this trough. Tabitha left behind works personal and real, which helped others and provided for herself, things others could put in their hand as proof of the meaning of her life. When I was in Army Basic Training a drill sergeant asked a private next to me, actually he yelled it at full-lung, "Private, HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE?!?!?" Friends, how do you justify your's? What works will you be crowned for in glory?  Tabitha was rich in good works combining her head, heart and hands. 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Today I share such helpful advice from caregivers given to another caregiver who's son just passed from Sepsis, a horrible medical condition.  Share your own stories with me at Info@helping.mom Please pray for this dear, grieving mother.  

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) 7 Things you can do GREAT as caregiver that require NO talent,skill or experience. 1. Being present, I’m Here (posters of GIs on walls at Dachau)  2. Making Effort, doing something to help. The way people can do it for years is because it is so gradual. Same as serving a prison sentence. Or getting through school. 3. Having Positive Attitude, thinking on bright side. Focu on what I can do, not should have done. Not my failures but fact you are today. I get stuff from store. I emptied a closet. Paid all bills. 4. Learning from Mistakes, then not repeating. There IS a dumb question in life—in fact 3 of them: one you don’t res to ask because you can figure it out; the one you’ve asked already; asking your boss to repeat himself because you’re not listening.  5. Figuring things out, thinking way through 6. Anticipating next need, with preparation. Alabama: the next right thing. 7. Tough skin. Resolve. Stamina. Hatred of losing. Desire to win. Not be beaten. Faith. Hope. At some point they’re all the same. Having Strong Work Ethic, make it through day Please send your ideas to info@helping.mom 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Do you have Feeding lips or Bleeding lips? Heart-Tongue Corridor of the Caregiver Proverbs 10:21: "The lips of the righteous feed many." I am a hypocrite! I promise you--I violate every thing I am going to share with you today. But I am reminded, that tho we stumble, we do not fall. Today several Verses on the Heart-Tongue relationship of Caregiver, with very little explanation. To quote Aerosmith, I am going to “Let the music do the talking,” or, here, the Bible. Of all people in world, the caregiver has the most right to be cynical, snappy, crabby and angry. Churlish Caregivers you could call us all for all of us have complained, griped, hated it, kicked against it like Paul did pricks. We are all grumbly bears. Reasons are many: On avg we donate for free 26 hrs/week; we pay out of pocket $8K/yr. 25% of us also take care of our own kids at same time. We feel bad ourselves. We did not plan for this, or prepare for it. We are not ready, qualified or motivated. No one is helping us. This decision may have cost us our family, our career, our happiness and our peace of mind. We are at our worse, taking care of someone at their worse who does not appreciate us or want us. No one in our society places much value on families to care for elders. Our kids never see us, or, like 10% of all teens in our country, they caregive with us.I read story this week of family who planned funeral of their old mother, and noticed few came to her wake or funeral. Then as soon as the graveside service was over, they drove to their mother’s house to find it completely ransacked by siblings and family members who had not gone to her funeral. Quate: “While all will fight for grandma’s money, no one will fight to take care of her.”  It all seems negative and only getting worse. But the Bible can help. Remember the purpose of the word is to correct and instruct in right uses.Out of heart mouth speaks (Jer 17:9), AND brain thinks! The heart has 40,000 neurons and sends more messages to brain than brain sends to heart. From heart comes emotion, awareness, response, maybe even reason. Bible declares the heart is  spiritually deceitfully wicked, and past finding out (Jer 17:9). Out of it flows 7 evils, says Jesus (Mt 15:19). And, “out of it the mouth speaks” (Matt 12:34). James says the tongue is a rudder which tho small controls the huge ship of our whole life and destiny (James 3:4). You’ve never gotten in trouble by things you didn’t say!!! It is set on fire from hell (James 3:6). We praise God and curse man with it (James 3:9). What is down in the well, comes up in the bucket. Particularly when no one is looking, and when money or stress of falling is at hand. To make matters totally worse, we will give an account for every idle word that proceeds out of our heart-mouth (Mt 12:36). If we will be judged by every silly word we have said, or words unnecessary, imagine what we face for everything hateful we absolutely meant to say!  Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), and; a soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). I proved this verse this past SAT when I took mom out to eat breakfast. Her first word, in parking lot, before getting out of vehicle, “And, he brings me HERE.” Paul says, as much as lies within you, live in peace with all men (Romans 12:18). He continues (Eph 4:29), let that which comes from your mouth be good, edifying, and minister grace to the hearer.BLUF: 1) The quickest way to restore relationship, and redeem your reputation, is “I’m sorry.” 2) The lips of the righteous feed (Pro 10:21).3) The words of the righteous build the other person by speaking grace into their lives (Eph 4:29). We speak life, says TobyMac. 4) “Speak the truth in love”