Humans love stories, and whether we realize it or not, most of us are usually narrating some kind of story about the things that happen around us. The challenge is that those stories aren't always accurate, and we all have personal biases that influence our perception of what those around us really mean by their words and actions. In this episode, we talk about mind reading, why it can cause conflict and challenge for us when we do it, and discuss what it looks like to adopt a different way of understanding the world, especially in relationships and interactions with those around us. Gene touches on how the work of cognitive behavioral therapy feeds into the ability to overcome mind-reading, and Matt provides a similar nod to acceptance commitment therapy to a similar end. Give it a listen and let us know what you think; after all, we can’t read your minds!
Hello everyone! In this episode, we welcome the fall and the stream of consciousness that it brings. We talk about all of the things you’d expect; pumpkin spiced lattes, our favorite holidays, seasonal affect disorder, the pitfalls of the modern medical institution, the responsibility we all have in facing our own personal suffering…you know, the usual! We thought we’d try a more free-roaming pace to this week’s episode, so we’ll leave it at that and hope that you enjoy the conversation. Let us know what you think!
We all agree that fairness is an important ideal in so many areas of our lives. We seek fairness in our relationships, in human and civil rights, in our workplaces, among many other places. But is it achievable? What does it really look like? What is the cost of pursuing fairness, and what is the cost of not pursuing it? We try to distinguish the difference between equality and equity, and why there’s a need to move beyond equality and see equity as the necessary evolution in the pursuit of fairness. We discuss how equity fits into the social movement for diversity and inclusion, especially in the workplace, where much of this conversation is happening. And Matt picks a bone with the expression that "life isn't fair." Fairness is much more than a state of things; it is a process, the result of all the choices we make, and a willingness to have hard conversations. To desire fairness is to also embrace the rapidly expanding definition of diversity, and define and redefine fairness with that understanding over and over again. We hope you enjoy this episode!
References:
This week, we explore the topic of optimism and pessimism. We discuss whether we think they are inherent traits or learned frameworks, and how they might influence our decision making throughout our lives. Matt proposes that they each exist on separate spectra rather than sharing opposite ends of a single spectrum, and we introduce how it intersects with realism as well. When does optimism start to turn into toxic positivity or ignorance? Is optimism a function of privilege? When does pessimism start to turn into depression and hopelessness? Are there situations where pessimism might be valuable? We ponder these questions and many more in our conversation; let us know what you think!
Perfectionism is something many of us struggle with, and for those of us who know it well, we know that it can create a lot of stress for us, and can feel heavy to carry in our day to day lives. In this week’s episode, we discuss perfectionism and where we think it comes from, as well as some of the psychological challenges it presents. We also tie it in with procrastination; Matt talks about some of the many ways that procrastination can creep into our lives and provides some suggestions for how to overcome it. Our conversation delves into the topics of perfectionism and how it influences self-esteem, how society escalates and pressurizes perfection, and even how our education systems perpetuate perfectionism in certain ways at their very core. We discuss what a path away from perfectionism could look like, and much more in this discussion. Thanks for listening, and please enjoy!
References:
American-Born Chinese on Disney+
We're back! In this episode, we explore the topic of acceptance of oneself and how it influences our ability to accept others. Matt helps us explore what it means to "belong to yourself" and Gene questions where we really draw the line of the people we "are" and the people that we "want to" or feel we are "supposed to be." We discuss how our self talk influences our behaviors, how it's often mirrored in how we treat others, and explore the importance of remaining curious when faced with novel social or cultural experiences. This led us to a conversation about diversity and its inevitability in today's world, and we ponder a different model of seeking understanding in the face of intolerance and some of today's challenges in holding the conversation around anti-racism. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!
References:
Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown
This week we tackle attachment styles, a big topic and one that we are both fascinated by! We discuss what attachment is on a basic level, what the different attachment styles are, and their origins as well as the behavior patterns that are characteristic of each style. We also talk about how those with insecure attachments might imagine moving to a more secure place, whether opposing insecure styles attract, as well as how to respond to certain attachment styles as an outsider to that person’s experience. We loved having this conversation so much, this episode is over two hours long! Pour a drink and pull up a seat, there’s lots to take in for this topic. We hope you enjoy it!
References:
In this episode of the MindfulMess, Gene & Matt discuss emotional intelligence and empathy. What is it, and why is it important? How does it show up, and is it a nature or nurture phenomenon? We discuss the three different types of empathy and how they are expressed, and share some personal accounts of how we express and exercise emotional intelligence. We also ponder the intersection of emotional intelligence with both gender norms as well as queer identity. Matt challenges the notion of the golden rule by proposing a Platinum rule when regarding empathy, and Gene emphasizes his belief in curiosity discovering others’ emotions rather than assuming that we know how to read them. We both relate to each other over the realization that we have a hard time accessing great expressions of joy and explore the reasons why that might be. These topics and many more in this week’s episode. Thanks for listening!
Welcome back! In a continuation of the Pride theme, Gene & Matt decide to share their coming out stories. In sharing these stories, we also touch on what a supportive reaction looks like to having someone come out to you, as well as whether there is a right or wrong time to come out. This episode is anecdotal so we’ll leave the show notes here and invite you to jump right into the conversation!
References:
Heartstopper on Netflix
Matilda by Harry Styles from his album Harry's House
Happy Pride, girlies! This week, in anticipation of DC Gay Pride festivities, Gene & Matt discuss what Pride means to them. We talk about the significance of Pride as political activism, but also as a beacon of hope for young people, as well as a broader celebration of inclusion. Matt talks about some of the harmful effects of loved ones who “worry” for their queer friends and family, and highlights the persistent and increasing visibility of queer people in spite of growing displays of hatred and bigotry, which continues to state the importance of Pride in our culture. Gene touches on the animal tendency to fear differences and engage in “othering” behaviors, and how Pride is our courageous human attempt to overcome fear-based discrimination and embrace our uniqueness instead. These topics and many more in our Pride edition; we hope you enjoy them! And Happy Pride once again; have fun and be safe!
We’re back! After our break last week, Matt and Gene come together to discuss the topic of forgiveness and of letting things go. We try to first define what forgiveness is, and what it means to forgive. When is it appropriate to forgive, and who does it really benefit? Do forgiveness and letting go walk hand in hand, or are they actually separate actions? Is there a meaningful difference between letting something go and forgetting it happened? We also veer a little bit into the topic of anger and how that influences our ability or willingness to forgive. Tune in to hear our discussion!
References:
Response bias - the tendency for people to answer a question the way they think you want them to (or answering untruthfully in general)
Confirmation bias - the tendency for you to notice and favor information that confirms your beliefs or hypotheses
In this episode, we explore the idea of objectivity and subjectivity. We question the notion as to whether there is such a thing as true objectivity, and try to distinguish the idea of objectivity from social norms. We weigh the pros and cons of both ideas, and discuss whether they exist on opposite sides of a spectrum, or if they are more two sides of the same coin. Gene ponders whether a completely subjective approach to living life is limiting to our sense of perspective. Matt discusses the importance of practicing holding an objective lens to some of our subjective life experiences, and even discusses how many therapeutic approaches seek to accomplish this. We also discuss a division of mind that differentiates between the observing mind and the thinking mind, and tie that into how mindfulness moves us toward the objective in ways that help us deal with hardship or trauma. This episode is longer and covers even more topics than described here, so check it out and let us know what you think! Additionally, next week Gene & Matt will both be unable to record, so we’re taking a bye week and will plug back in the following week! Thanks for listening.
References:
Podcast episode on 10 weeks of CBT in 10 days
Gene's favorite cartoon show, Steven Universe
Eye movement desensitization reprocessing therapy (EMDR)
In Episode 10, we resume the conversation on identity - Gene opens the conversation by talking about how he categorizes the major facets of his identity, particularly his race and how his early family experiences influence his social behaviors even today. We discuss how our identities influence the way we form connections and relationships with others, for example seeking out those who are similar to us versus being attracted to people who are opposite to or very different from us. We also talk about how to parse out what parts of our identities are truly born of ourselves, and what parts are imposed upon us by society. Matt shares more detail about the strength and thriving he found after conversion therapy, and Gene opens up about his thoughts on his racial identity and the personal struggles he has experienced in being a queer person of color living in the states. We wrap the conversation up discussing the question of whether people can really change - what do you think? Do people really change?
In Episodes 9 and 10, we explore notions of identity: what makes up our identity, and how do we think we form our identities? The topic of nature vs. nurture comes up, naturally (or nurturally? :P), and we talk about internal vs. external personas and how those might differ. This conversation also gets a little personal as we each share what the most significant aspects of our respective identities are, to entertain the question, “how would you describe yourself to others?” and then “how would other people describe you?” We ponder how our queer identities influence our thoughts and behaviors and even touch lightly on the topic of kinks and fetishes. Tune in to the following week to hear Part 2!
Welcome to Episode 8, where we touch on the topic of vulnerability. Like boundaries, vulnerability is an important component to establishing and maintaining connection with others; Gene describes it as the “secret sauce” to deepening relationships. We contest the notion that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and propose that it is actually one of the best demonstrations of courage. We ponder the distinction between vulnerability and oversharing, and also explore what the barriers to vulnerability might be. Matt shares some psychological tools that he’s encountered in his practice as it pertains to vulnerability, and emphasizes the importance of making space for vulnerability, both in interactions and within ourselves.
And here are some of the references from this episode:
Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown
A Wiki entry that explains SUDs or subjective units of distress
Matt explains the "proximal zone of tolerance" but meant to say "window of tolerance"
In this episode, we branch out from the topic of relationships to discuss the importance of boundaries and communication. Boundaries are ways in which we sculpt and shape healthy relationships both with others and within ourselves, and communicate the need for mutual respect and psychological safety. We also notice the parallels between boundary styles and communication styles, and posit that setting boundaries can be a compassionate experience, instead of one that creates distance or tension. Developing and reinforcing boundaries do not box us in, rather they set us free to be ourselves!